


It’s full of stars

by yamisionnach



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Depression, Eventual Relationships, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Murder, M/M, Masturbation, Past Relationship(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-01-04 09:57:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 45,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21195791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yamisionnach/pseuds/yamisionnach
Summary: (Okay, I bounced this story off my SO and they seemed to like it. Said it felt like having anxiety. So if that is triggering for you please steer clear. Check it out if you want, I would really appreciate it!)Breathe. Inhale, Exhale. You can do this.And David clicked 'join' and smiled. Time to take a trip to Jupiter.





	1. Chapter 1

“David. I am concerned about your isolating behavior.” A grunt in response. He hated this. Hated having to leave his house just to come to these damned sessions. There was nothing wrong with him or his behavior. He was in the correct weight bracket, his dogs were happy, and he was camping every weekend.

“I know that you are thinking that your behavior is acceptable but you have told me yourself that the only person you talk to is me during our sessions. And those are only twice a month. You need more human interaction than that.” Bullshit. Human interaction was unnecessary. He was much happier alone; the snow and cold in the night. The wind helped him forget.

“Taking into account your living situation I am going to ask you to cooperate with us. Your insurance has already approved this as an addition to your sessions.” David clenched his hand together, and readied for a fight. No. They had already gone through this, he wasn’t taking orders anymore. He wasn’t going to be pushed into doing anything. Ten minutes, ten more minutes and he could cancel his follow up appointment. Pack up, catch his flight, go back to Alaska. Nine minutes.

“David. Breathe.” Exhale, Inhale. One, two, three, four, five. Exhale, one, two three, four, five. Dammit. His knuckles were white and the tendons in his arms were going numb and bulging. Stress. He hated surprises. It took more effort than it did last time, to breathe and unlock his fingers. Rolling his shoulders back to try and lessen the tension. Look up, eye contact. David made eye contact, he could handle this.

“This is why I am concerned David, last time my secretary knocked on the door and you took a knife out of your boot. I know things are hard, especially since you lost Rico, but your continued isolation and your, frankly, dangerous drinking habits are not healthy ways to cope.” The drinking… They hadn’t been talking about that recently. It was too much to think it forgotten. Not that David thought it was a problem, he showed up. It wasn’t hurting anyone.

“All I’m asking is for an attempt. Try it. What you will be trying is something that I have been working on with less… severe cases, and have seen marked improvements. This,” David tried not to twitch when the Doctor leaned over, pulling a laptop from under his seat, “is a laptop, nothing special. I have installed on here a video game. It is called ‘Minecraft’ and the goal, for more players, is surviving. It has a feature where you can anonymously team up to work cooperatively. I doubt that you will get much use out of it, but I would like you to try it.”

The black rectangle was thin, not big enough for explosives. It could hold a variety of things. Nothing looked out of place or changed… David reached out, holding his hand there, waiting. The laptop was passed over, it felt right. Nothing rattling or heavy where it shouldn’t be.

“I don’t have internet.” David’s voice was too rough, throat parched.

“I know, and I have something for that as well. The first month is paid through so it will be up to you to continue the service if this is something you want to continue.” David was handed another small black rectangle, very light. If he flexed it would shatter. “That is an aircard, if it is on it will give you internet access. There is a removable battery, I picked out a model with that feature since we talked about your distrust of electronics.”

“Knowing that you still want me to play a video game, cooperatively?” The Doctor leaned back in his seat, crossing one leg and resting his hands on his lap. He expected that question. David clenched his jaw slightly; he would have clenched it harder but some training ran deeper than others. Don’t show your feelings on your face. Every flinch, every action can be read by the enemy.

“That is exactly the reason I even considered it. Last session you expressed interest in recruiting more dogs for your team. Using the laptop you can find rescues and breeders, maybe even enter in a race. Modern technology is useful.” David looked down at the bundle on the couch next to him, he knew the benefits of modern technology just fine. Intelligence and observation, it was dangerous. Not something he needed in his house. The alternative however… Medication. Doped up until he could barely crawl out of bed.

“Fine. If I don’t want to continue, I can give it back, right?”

“Of course David, all I ask is that you try and if it doesn’t work out then we can try something else.” There was a soft chime to mark the session as over. David was on his feet with a hand on the door handle before his next breath. “You did well today David, unfortunately I will not be able to see you in two weeks so it will be a month before our next session. Are you okay with that?”

He grunted as he went through the door, leaving it open behind him. It was more than okay as far as David was concerned.

“Mr. Forrester, did you have a nice session? I see you got your gifts, could you sign this for me so I can add it to your file?” The secretary was kind enough, irritating but kind. Carefully, David placed the laptop and aircard down on the counter to scratch his signature onto the paper. They had overcome his frustration over redeveloping his signature but it was still a mess. It was easier when he didn’t have to sign anything.

“I already have you scheduled for your next session in a month, same time, same place. Oh, thank you! You are so punctual, it is a nice change of pace.” Talk, talk, talk. David didn’t want to talk, he wanted to get packed and on his flight in, a quick glance to the clock, 5 hours and 6 minutes. She passed him the small card that was his appointment reminder and smiled, waiting for him to take it.

“Thanks.” David could hardly grunt out the word as he took the card and headed through the door.

It was quiet, as quiet as a city could be of course. There were still cars, still the hustle and bustle that every city had. It had a restlessness to it, it made David want to hide in the shadows. His training screaming to take advantage. Plastic creaked in his fingers, the sheathed knife in his boot feeling hot in his sock. He was fine. He would be fine.

Sidestep a woman talking on her cell phone, a man gesturing wildly to his walking partner. A dog whimpering in an alley… Hungry, cold. David paused for only a moment, whistling softly and tapping the brick. It did not snarl but its ears were back and it looked at him with distrust. Good dog. Careful, more than careful, David tossed the dog a piece of jerky from his pocket. He had left some in his jacket, his dogs wouldn’t mind sharing.

David silently wished the dog well. He wanted to get back to the hotel.

He entered the back entrance, his card swiped quickly as if he was going to be ambushed. Stairs, heavy boots barely making a sound. Not silent. He wasn’t good enough for that. His boots were too heavy, steps too firm. It’s okay to take heavier steps, no need to sneak about, most people don’t think about it that deeply. Try stepping a little harder if you can. He couldn’t. The door was heavy as he entered. Fire door, heavy lock. That’s why he preferred this hotel over the last three he had been to; the cleaning crew had not disturbed his room.

David was not satisfied with that alone. Check the room. Bed, chair, dresser, bathroom. Window. Second floor, he could smash the single pane with an elbow and make the jump, a tree seven feet from the building. Short but thick, trimmed not young. Breathe. David inhaled and exhaled slowly. Every single time he did this, getting anxious over nothing. The bed was safe, he knew it. Crisp, clean sheets. He slept the night before, smelling of his clothing. Cigarettes.

David left the room with his backpack over one shoulder, laptop padded between his clothes. Stimple, routine. Two cigarettes on the way to the airport, walk don’t run. Four hours until the flight. Ditch the knife, two dollars. Acceptable cost. Airport security. Metal detector, ID check. Remove the laptop, turn it on. Cleared to wait for his flight. A whiskey at the bar, pay in cash. Another hour before the flight. Boarding, tuck the carry on away. Eyes shut, breathe. Sleep if you can.

Someone is coughing. The air smells stale but clean. Music, too loud. Snoring, first class. Drink cart, window seat. Breathe.

Exit the plane, airport. Two miles to the kennel. Snow, just under freezing. Spring. Two more cigarettes. Pick up a new carton at the corner store, pay in exact change since the owner refuses to let you pay the mark up. You are allowed, without you he would have frozen to death when his car ended up buried in that snow storm. He just mails mails the money back to the house when you over pay.

David gives the kennel’s faithful wolfhound a head pat and a treat. Old and nearly blind he still did a good job keeping all the other dogs safe. The young lady at the counter, her hair is red and her smile is bright. She knows that David is a quiet man and no matter how much she dresses herself up, he never looks her way. She will never understand how David doesn’t notice, or why he hides himself under all the old clothing when he was so handsome.

David can wrangle the dogs alone and does, his sled ready to run faster than usual. The dogs are tired and still mourning. David was too, Rico was his best and his first. The young lady hands him a bundle, explains that she was worried about him not getting enough to eat on the mountain. Hunters had been complaining about not getting enough so early in the season. David doesn’t check it but thanks her all the same, he knew her when she was barely knee high. After his first tour…

David secures his goggles and his muffler before mushing, the dogs are slow to start pulling. They were well trained but they had only gone out as a full team twice without Rico at the front. It was still a struggle to get them going as a pack but soon they would be tearing through the snow and out of town. Hours later David saw his cabin and a calm washed over him.

Home.

David pulled the dogs behind the house, untying them in pairs to go into their kennels. The ice had been building up on the fences again, he was going to have to knock it off before the melt came. It was hard work to feed them all, they were jumping all over the fences and him as he poured out their food. They missed him. David missed them too. The youngest, Dubois had not been able to hold herself back and peed all over his boots. Not unusual since she was barely two. David kicked snow over the wet spot and gave a sharp command, sending her off.

Out here, in the cold and clear air he finally felt his shoulders relax. His chest expanding, standing that little bit taller. Eyes skyward he could even smile. A harsh wind blew past and the dogs howled at the whistling; time to get inside. With care David stripped the excess layers and his boots, hanging his coats in order, leaving the boots by the door. Unpacking his bag to toss the relatively clean clothes onto the couch, the laptop left on the coffee table.

In the bundle there was a hearty stew, root vegetables and meat, it was still warm since it had been packed in pocket warmers and a thick scarf.

David couldn’t bring himself to eat it. He knew what she was doing and he felt sick over it. David was almost a decade older than her! She didn’t know anything about him! What he had... Breathe.

It was time for a drink. He pulled out a half full bottle of whiskey and settled back onto the couch, popping a cigarette from the pack between his lips. The burn from the smoke and alcohol was grounding, and David could breathe again. Aside from the dogs outside and the wind it was so quiet. He wanted… Maybe he could read. Turning to the bookshelf, he found nothing grabbing him. He had read everything he owned, some more times than he could count.

The radio maybe? David gave it a quick turn, nothing but the weather forecast. Rising temperatures. Back to the couch and another swig of hard liquor. The laptop sitting right there, looking so inconspicuous. Really now? Was he going to give in so easily? Maybe it was getting to him, now that the winter was over there was going to more chances for camping, but he couldn’t go as far or for as long. The dogs would get restless if he was gone too long.

Maybe it wouldn’t hurt... 

Opening the laptop David was hesitant, it had been a long time since he had used a computer in general. Electronics and technology was never his strong suit, he only knew the basics of operation because it was drilled into him from day one. You have to know enough that you can adapt. Typing lessons, navigation… Taking another drink he pressed the power button and waited. It didn’t blow up. He was greeted by a basic start up screen and then the desktop. Everything looked basic, sparse. The only programs seemingly installed were the game and the internet browser.

Well… That was comforting. Breathe. Internalize the feeling. David was surprised and felt safe, knowing that he could trust the Doctor. This was good. Still he made sure that there was no microphone or camera, to be sure. No GPS either. Simple. Not distrustful to check. The aircard however… That was going to be a stretch. Warnings about IP address tracking sounded in his mind. It was okay. He tried. Breathe. No one is looking for you.

It is unfounded paranoia.

David focused on relaxing his hands, the plastic was creaking and flexing. Paranoia. Breathe. Inhale, exhale. His finger trembled as he powered on the little device, something to leave out when he reported back at his next session. The little screen lit up and prompted him to plug the USB in. Okay. He could do that. After another cigarette and some food. He was not… He was stalling.

It was one thing to venture away from his home and into the world, another thing entirely to invite it in.

Torture would not tear from his lips that he was scared to let the outside in.

Another swig and let it happen. The little indicator changed and the internet was at his fingertips. Breathe. David thought it best to just get it out of the way and try the game. An account had already been set up; it needed an account? Start… Single Player… The music gentle and melodic. Not really his taste but it was almost calming. A little loud maybe. It took a second to turn the volume down with the trackpad. Completely counterintuitive.

Back to the main screen to create a new world. 'New World'? That sounded… 'Europa' was a better fit; 'All these worlds are yours except…' The world generated, or so it said, and the screen was filled with a forest. Not much of one in his eyes with none of the real world feel. No leaves in the wind, no wind at all even. No variety to the forest save for simple trees. A flower here and there.

At first he could only figure out how to turn in place and punch. Dammit. Something about that… Waiting around, waiting to be told to move. A tool to be wielded. Let nothing stop you, you have a single goal and you will do anything to make it happen. Failure is not an option! More whiskey and another cigarette. His pack was almost empty when he promised to cut back; he had already. One carton to last him a month. It wasn't going to be enough at this rate.

Springs in the couch protested as David leaned back and let his head rest, staring at the ceiling. This wasn't going to work. This exercise was futile. Useless. He had no idea how to play the damned game. It wasn't worth… It was worth everything.

Should he push through? Quitting was all but beaten out of him by Miller. Surrender was not an option. Failure was not an option. Push through. No ammo, find a new weapon. Broken bone, set and brace it. Pain tolerance can be extended, by will and by drugs. Solid Snake was the best, never failed and always finished his mission. It was the only reason he was allowed to retire at all.

Time check. Twenty minutes had passed, cigarette ash told the same tale. One good drag, the rest wasted on his chest; one last drag left before he dropped the butt into the ashtray. Nothing was going to stop David from being Solid Snake, they were one and the same. The sessions, the doctors, insisted that it was finding balance between the two sides. To suppress but not ignore the soldier. Cooperation… Building a world together as one.

As if he could bite back the small chuckle. It felt good, the rumbling in his chest, it had been so long since he last laughed. Trained for service, not for leadership, and this was the reason why. Always focused on the small picture and not the larger one, never making the connection until it was too late.

Breathe. Inhale, exhale. Keep going. The mission isn't over. Inhale, exhale.

Internet browser. Search for what you need.

It took only a minute or so to get familiar with the basics as described. Honestly it was amazing what could be built with those basics, the complexity from those that had a mind for it. He was going to flounder on his own, he needed support. Multiplayer.

Searching for that took a lot longer than he was prepared for, long enough that a howl alerted him to the hour. It had been a very long since last lost track of time, his own body protesting when he stood and stretched. Snow and wind with the fall of night, temperatures plummeting. Should have checked the weather report closer, there had been a storm in the mountains hours ago. Rarely they came into the valley but it has been unseasonably warm for so early in the spring; he should have expected it.

Mistakes were made. Adapt. Breathe.

The locks on the kennel fences were frozen and needed a bit of force to open. Grunts of effort were swallowed by the sudden wind but it couldn’t swallow the shrill whistle that called the pack together. If one decided to run there would be no searching for them until the morning and… David all but ran to the door, throwing it open, making sure all the dogs were together and inside. All present and accounted for. Happy and finding their favorite places to bed down, Dizzy laying her head on the laptop from the couch. She was always finding the warmest spot to make her bed.

“Come on Dizzy, up.” A pair of blue eyes looked at him as if he was an idiot before she huffed and moved over. She was so smart, no doubt that she was annoyed he got the best spot in the house. “Yeah I know girl. That’s why I made you move, is my spot.”

Dizzy yawned loud and curled up in the corner, tail covering her nose but eyes still looking at him. What a brat but he loved her all the same and gave her a firm head pat, covering her ears again and again until she flipped her tail to make him stop. Looked like he was going to be sleeping on the couch again. The bedroom was just too far away, too unfamiliar since he barely spent time in it.

A few clicks on the laptop and he was on a webpage that had a list of ‘servers’. Worlds to play with others… So many. The choice seemed impossible, too much of everything. Silly names and communities of hundreds. There had to be… There it was, a search feature, a sorting feature. Maybe there were smaller servers. Sorting by size helped but there were still so many; all he had to do was pick one. It really didn’t matter did it? Turning to Dizzy he looked for a sign, but she was curled up for sleep. A quick scan of the room he thought of keywords to use and then his eyes were back at the book shelf.

‘Jupiter’. The enter key felt heavy as he pressed it, the filter working for a few seconds and showing only three results.

‘Shall we take a trip to Jupiter? The Stars, Like Dust. May it fall on Ganymede.’ A smile. Science fiction literature references could always pull a smile to his face. Whoever created this server already shared an interest, their goal clear with so few words. Clicking on the server information there was a small message.

‘Just looking for someone to talk to and play with. I hope we can be friends.’ What a naive request, and it pulled him in. Taking server information he plugged it into the game, watching patiently as it checked from the server. It was online and there was only one other person. Breathe. Join the server. The game took a moment, and then he was met with a snowy forest. Dogs wandering around a small town of log cabins. A sign just in front of him, the blocky letters with a message.

‘Pick a house. I’m Otacon. See you soon.’

David did pick a house, the simplest one and found a chest inside. In the chest was a sign and bread.

He placed the sign next to the door outside.

‘Solid Snake. Stranger in a Strange Land’


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (This chapter is a bit rough since the is lot of chatting, like an IM. if you have trouble reading it then please tell me. I can make adjustments)

Hundreds of miles away a computer was sounding an obnoxious digital ring. A disheveled and skinny man jostling in his seat where he had been curled up and sleeping. The desktop mascot bearing his likeness was bouncing on his screen with a looping gesture to get his attention. A few keystrokes later and the sound was silent.

Many windows were laid out across both screens. None of them were flashing with alerts but something had triggered. Having to click back through the archived messages of alerts in the speech bubble by his little self.

'Paging Otacon! A new player has arrived! 'Solid_Snake'.

Oh! Someone joined the Minecraft server!

After months… someone finally joined.

Otacon set to creating a Minecraft server with the sole purpose of finding… Purpose. Social isolation wasn't so bad when he had work to do and coming home to watch his favorite shows and playing games felt satisfying. Like a reward! Then the work started drying up. Specialized engineers were needed less and less these days, unless you had some sort of award to distinguish yourself. Or you had no moral struggles working for the war industry.

Never again. His soul could only handle one lapse of morals in a lifetime.

Playing games and watching the same shows day in and day out lost their appeal four days in. His meals were delivered by courier, left at his front door. No need to speak to another human being. Waking up and looking at the clock, seeing that he had slept more than thirteen hours without interruption was… Depressing. Anime lost its appeal. Spending more than twenty minutes on a single game felt like a chore. Social isolation was more than enough to drive him into depression.

Something had to change.

The server had been a… More of a pipe dream than anything. No one was going to understand his references and more importantly without really putting it out there, no one was going to find it. Still, he left it on. The server left open to hold out hope that anyone would join. It took up so much of his bandwidth too, having the dedicated proxy and port to host it. It was almost too much trouble.

Custom writing plugins even seemed like a good idea when everything was first thought of it. When barreling towards a singular goal everything and anything you did seemed like a good idea... 

It was worth it because someone had joined. He didn’t have to be alone anymore. A dark cloud hung over his head even when smiling and actively rushing to back to the spawn in for the server. Outside his apartment there were people, there was a cafe down the street with the very kind young woman that gave him an extra shot of espresso when he was finishing his thesis. Her barely hidden laugh at his shirts with cartoon characters on them. Her pink cheeks as her co-worker mocked him when they thought he wasn’t looking… A park where the military vetren walked her wolf dogs, he cold stare when he asked her that winter about the way she was dressed.

His phone sitting silent and half dead in a pile of junk, the light blinking to remind him that his step-mother had called, that Emma texted him when she left for university.

It was different here, among the artificial nature and bright colors. Through his screen he could make a relationship with someone who he will never know personally. Sharing life stories, crying over words stolen from poems and books. It was so easy to get attached and then just as easy to forget when you, or they, move on. When you see a face, when you share air, then everything you do or don’t want to say is on display. Even Otacon, awkward and completely incapable of reading a situation as he was, couldn’t stand watching as people, friends drifted away from him. The look in their eyes changed the longer he spoke with them.

That’s why he had twenty texts from Emma, why Julie’s number was blocked.

Smiling bittersweet he navigated back to the small village he made at the 0,0 coordinates.

Nothing had been changed… That was to be expected, right? The description that he put on the server was vague and earnest, although that would have invited trolls, right? A quick walk around did reveal that there was a player inside one of the buildings, the username not moving. Were they waiting? His finger lingered over the chat button, all he had to do was say ‘hi’.

Light flashing, a notification of a new text on his phone. Startled, finger twitching, and the chat window was open. The first step taken, even if by accident. Cursor blinking quietly, waiting. A quick message, easy.

Otacon: Hi! You’re the first person to join. Did you like the description of the server? Are you a fan of Sci-fi?

Dammit. Otacon had hit enter too quickly and now it was out there. Over eager. Desperate. Annoying. Waiting for the log off prompt… There wasn’t one, just the other player moving around in the house a bit before walking into the main area. They were still wearing the default skin, holding a piece of bread in their main hand. A new player. Oh!

Otacon: Are you new to Minecraft? Do you know how to open the chat? If you press the ‘t’ key it will open it. Then you press ‘enter’ when you have typed what you want to say.

A beat. Two. Still here. Maybe they were…

Solid_Snake: Hi.

Solid_Snake: I’m Snake

Solid_Snake: I liked the references

Solid_Snake: I like Sci-fi

Solid_Snake: I’m new to the game

Solid_Snake: First one I’ve ever played

Oh wow. A rush of emotions filled Otacon. This Snake was stiff and was likely much older, he texted like an old man. It was charming to think about, like a small child walking a senior across the street. Well, nothing like that but the imagery made him laugh shakily. What had he been expecting really? A cute girl about his age to hop on and be everything he dreamed of? This situation meant that expectations were low. No one to impress, just offer a shoulder and let them learn. Be a kid, enthusiasm will carry you through.

Otacon: That is pretty impressive for Minecraft to be your first game

Otacon: Are you familiar with the controls? How the game works? You knew how to join a server so I can guess you figured it out alright

His apartment felt cold for the first time in a while, his desk a little sticky under his arm. He might have spilled something; had been eating and drinking at his desk when he really shouldn’t have.

Solid_Snake: I searched online a bit

Solid_Snake: Didn’t do too much alone

Solid_Snake: Not sure how everything works

Solid_Snake: Started playing to talk to people

Solid_Snake: I guess

Otacon: Well we have that in common. I can talk you through the controls and explain the game a bit

Otacon: It will be a wall of text so you tell me

Solid_Snake: Sure

Solid_Snake: Go slow

Solid_Snake: I can tell you when to continue

Otacon: I can do that

Otacon: You have the basics? Moving, jumping, punching, placing blocks?

Solid_Snake: Yeah

Solid_Snake: Next?

Otacon: Crafting?

Solid_Snake: Not really

Otacon: OK

Otacon: Press ‘e’

Otacon: That character is what you look like, you can change it if you want but you don’t have to

Otacon: The line of blocks is your inventory

Otacon: The line at the bottom is the items you can see when playing

Otacon: The 4 blocks in a square are a small crafting area, if it fits you can make it whenever

Otacon: Follow me I can walk you through the tutorial.

Otacon: You should have seen a prompt in the corner when you started playing

Solid_Snake: I did

Otacon clicked to punch and jumped in place, attempting to show Snake that he was going to start moving. Then he turned and walked through the forest to his small farm, rows of wheat and carrot next to ice. He had built a tree farm there, it was the perfect place to have Snake collect wood. Better than just cutting down the forest… Maybe it seemed silly but there was something beautiful about the generation and placement of flora in Minecraft. Maybe it was just because he was familiar with programming but he loved it. Wanted to keep it intact.

He punched a tree a few times, jumping. It was hard to communicate with just motions, without expressive emotes it was like playing charades but impossibly hard. If you knew the other person it might have been easier but then again, not many people understood him even when he was talking in person. Too wordy and panicked, awkward. ‘I don’t care about that.’ Beyond all odds it seems that Snake understood, immediately chopping down the tree and collecting the wood.

Otacon: Amazing! You figured it out! I thought for sure that my flailing wouldn’t make much sense.

Solid_Snake: punch tree to knock it down

Solid_Snake: seemed simple

Otacon: I didn’t make you mad did I? I was just so surprised

Solid_Snake: don’t worry about it

Solid_Snake: i’m not mad

Solid_Snake: you hit the tree

Solid_Snake: i hit the tree

Solid_Snake: simple

Otacon: You are really good at following directions

Solid_Snake: was a soldier

A soldier. Was. A cacophony of thoughts filled his head. Nothing finished or sensible. Belittling screams mingling with desperate cries that he was doing the best he could with the situation. For every voice that tried to keep him playing, three others would tell him to stop. To encourage this soldier to apply himself to a cause worthy of his time. To leave this poor little geek to his isolation, there was a lovely community out there that could help him more. A community that would give the soldier what he really needed.

A vague notion of what Snake looked like on the other side of screen began to form. Someone tall and muscular, dressed in a clean, pressed uniform. Sharp eyes, cropped hair. Someone that could break Otacon in two. Everything that he wasn’t. This image in his head, this soldier, did not belong. He had to say something… Say something!

Otacon: Was? I thought it was like Starship Troopers. You never stop being a soldier.

Not that. Anything but that. There was no guarantee that Snake even knew what that was! Sure he was a sci-fi reader but the consensus was the themes of the book were pro-military and pro-facist. What did that say about you? That you worship the soldier? That as a vetern should be placed on a pedestal over the common man? While stressing over the implications of his literary interests the chat continued.

Solid_Snake: if there was anything Heinlein got right

Solid_Snake: it is that you never stop being a soldier

Solid_Snake: he got a lot wrong

Solid_Snake: i always thought that was the point

Solid_Snake: mocking how the public saw it as some grand honor

Solid_Snake: his writing made it pretty clear that he liked serving

Solid_Snake: but was critical of it

Solid_Snake: might just be me though

Solid_Snake: i read it in basic

Solid_Snake: felt pretty fantastical

Solid_Snake: but equally mocking and negative

Oh… Otacon couldn’t type. He couldn’t even breathe. Internet friendships were like this and he should have been able to handle hearing such a story… No, that was wrong. Hearing about stupid boyfriends and psychotic ex lovers, about parents that just couldn’t appreciate ‘I am so mature for my age’. That was something he could handle because he had heard it a million times, parroted it back a few himself back when he was an amateur hacker. Nothing special about being young and not understanding the world.

Unless the person on the other side of the screen was a compulsive liar… He wasn’t the person that Snake should be telling all this to. Some loser playing video games because he was lonely? Wait. No. They were both doing that but there had to be a reason that a vetern was playing games instead of finding a date, or something like that, for company. No one would want to spend a night talking to someone pathetic as him.

Solid_Snake: Does it bother you that I served?

Otacon: GOD NO! I just didn’t know what to say

Otacon: I’m an engineer who refuses to work for the military

Otacon: My whole family was like that, working on the next weapon of mass destruction

Otacon: Kind of makes me feel like a little naive kid hearing that you were a soldier

Otacon: and nothing like Rico's Roughnecks

Solid_Snake: being macho gets people killed

Solid_Snake: they forced it out of you

Solid_Snake: never had to worry about that

Solid_Snake: i follow directions well

Otacon: Do you regret joining?

Solid_Snake: Didn’t have a choice.

Not a choice? That felt very familiar. Becoming a programmer and engineer hadn’t been much of a choice in retrospect, it was in his genes. No pursuing other interests when you could code and hack before reaching double digits. Especially when your father was well known for his lack of moral compass and designing weapons of war. He had to keep track of his father’s work, had to hide the worst of it when possible. It took no time at all to find out that the FBI was keeping a close eye on their home, they weren’t even trying to hide it. Until… His entire body felt numb, except for the horrid ache in the pit of his stomach. No, not again. He didn’t want to think about that.

Snake. He could focus on Snake. 

Otacon: Did you want to talk about it?

Otacon: I don’t mind

Solid_Snake: Maybe later

Solid_Snake: I haven’t learned the game yet

Otacon: Oh! Right. Okay so if you take the wood you just cut…

The numbness in his head and heart did not fade but he faked it for the screen. For Snake. True to his word, they did not discuss his military service or anything else particularly revealing again. Just hours of them working together, getting Snake familiar with all the things they needed in game. Talking about books, having a heated debate about movies vs books. Snake being on the side of the book, despite being wrong. Maybe he had a leg to stand on were they not discussing science fiction but they were. So Snake was wrong.

Watching the chat filling with words he could not hear… The passionate dedication to tearing apart the ‘inferior’ movie version of his favorite books… Otacon wished more than anything he could hear the other person’s voice. The numbness… Everywhere except for his ears it seemed, they were so warm. Straining for sound. What would Snake sound like? Like Rico? No, definitely not.

Not a single voice he could picture felt right; the stiff way of typing and the perceived age. It would be rougher, maybe a little wet. Was he a smoker? Probably. So many voices in his head. Movies, Television, Cartoons, Anime, Games. Nothing felt quite right when he re-read the words. It was a distracting train of thought. It seemed that Snake had given up on explaining and the chat window sat open, cursor blinking.

Otacon: Hey Snake

Otacon: What do you sound like?

Solid_Snake: Does that matter?

Otacon: Not really, I just want to know

Solid_Snake: I don’t know

Otacon: OK

Solid_Snake: What do you sound like?

Weak. Small. Like he had spent his short life getting shoved into or hiding in lockers.

Otacon: an Otaku

Solid_Snake: hmm

Otacon: what?

Solid_Snake: doesn’t make sense

Solid_Snake: a ‘you’?

Solid_Snake: doesn’t translate

Otacon: You speak japanese?

Solid_Snake: yeah

Solid_Snake: so what does it mean?

Otacon: Otaku is a slang word for people obsessed with a specific thing

Otacon: ’geek’ or ‘nerd’ is the closest equivalent

Otacon: could have just said ‘a geek’

Otacon: I guess

Solid_Snake: sounds about right

Solid_Snake: you said you were an engineer

Solid_Snake: brains not brawn

Otacon: My brain is my best asset

Solid_Snake: it is to me

Solid_Snake: not sure i would have figured this game out on my own

Maybe that was supposed to be encouraging, but he didn’t feel good when reading those words. Assets were things, he was a tool for someone to use. Snake would leave soon enough, he would learn enough to leave for greener pastures and leave the pathetic nerd behind. It was too much all at once. Otacon was just so tired.

Otacon: hey snake, i’m getting tired

Otacon: i am going to call it a night

Solid_Snake: will you be back tomorrow?

Oh… Snake wanted to play tomorrow? Glancing at the clock, he saw that it was already the next day where he lived. A vague idea of where Snake lived filed neatly into his subconscious.

Otacon: I can try to be

Solid_Snake: alright

Solid_Snake: Goodnight Otacon

Otacon: Goodnight Snake

A few clicks and Minecraft was closed, the server information showing him that only a few seconds later Snake had logged out himself. His little mascot avatar pinging softly to inform him of such. Click, click, and the mascot was silent, animated to lie on its side and make little snore bubbles. Numb. Heavy. Another night sleeping in his chair, the bed too far at that moment. There was no knowing exactly when he fell asleep but he knew without a doubt his last conscious thought was of Snake, and his imaginary voice.


	3. Chapter 3

Soft and delicate music filled his living room from the game’s title screen.

This was fucked up.

It shouldn’t have been so...

There was something about being able not to see the other person that let him open up so easily. It was comforting to be anonymous. Just another soldier. Just another player. Voice unknown. Face unknown. Otacon had no idea that he was… One of his dogs whimpered in their sleep, claw catching on the carpet as it wiggled, running in a dream.

It was time for bed but he wouldn't move. A dog half on his lap. Sleeping on the couch was not new. Usually he was cold, smelling like sweat and whiskey. It was warm now, with music and the sound of life around him. Distinct breathing, he knew each one and could identify them. Heart aching for the one that was missing. Breathe. The pillow fell from his shoulder as his head rolled back, his eyes looking at the ceiling.

It was turning a shade of yellow above the couch, probably from smoking on the couch. Needed cleaned, he could do that sometime this month. Maybe he could rotate the room while he was at it, the couch across from the door instead of just to the side of it. Does that matter, at this moment? It was his own house, no one ever came to visit. He had no friends anymore. No family that he knew of that he cared to see. Maybe the dogs shouldn’t be around it but they rarely spent time in the house.

Swiping a tongue over his lower lip he bit down, fighting the desire. He didn’t need another cigarette. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Again.

Sniffling. A soft woof. Scratching on the floor. A soft wind rattling the screen door. Fire crackling in his cast iron furnace.

Eventually sleep claimed him, a rare treat. Waking up with the rising sun instead of… the normal wake up call. Screaming, punching at nothing, arming himself with the 9mm tucked into the back of the couch. Last thing he needed was repairing another bullet hole in the wall.

Carl pawed at David's pant leg as soon as he made to stand, vocalizing for attention. With a heavy hand he gave Carl a pet. He was a good boy. Always the most vocal of his dogs and was fiercely intelligent, also first to make a mess in the house if he wasn't outside first thing in the morning.

A sharp whistle and little triangle ears were perked, turned right to him. Another and they all came to sit before him, licking their lips and paws dancing with barely contained enthusiasm. Knock on the door, huffs and vocalizations.

"Ask." Simple command, the pack answering with barks and woofs. Opening the door and off they went, knocking the screen door off its hinges as they charged. Mud flew into the air as the young ones decided it was time to wrestle. Great. Mud. That meant he was going to have to spread hay over the yard and kennel a few weeks early. That meant he was going to have to go south to buy more.

Ah well, no time like the present.

Food first. If not then all the mud was going to be all over him before he got the first bale out. Putting the dogs back in their respective kennels and feeding them took too long honestly. Too stiff from getting too little sleep on the couch. Trying to avoid the mud didn't work. Should've known better. Too much to expect that his normally well trained dogs would wait for food when covered in mud, with wrestling time interrupted.

Clean clothes? Maybe? When was the last time he did laundry?

Sixty-three days.

Miller's shirt and tie lying on top of the hamper in his closet, fallen from their hanger when he grabbed a clean button-up. A thousand sensations all at once… Man enough to say he fled from the room, choking on the memory of ash and gunpowder, and blood. This was not the time to remember that, but remember he did.

Finishing his task and returning to the living room, David made sure the computer and air-card were powered down. Then pulled the battery from both just to be sure. Check the house, just to be sure.. Hours later, smoking a cigarette on the couch was he satisfied that he wasn't… He wasn't going to end up like Miller. His jaw hurt, his shoulders tense. There was no one left. Not a single person on this earth could track him down and kill him.

Unless he left his guard down. Unless Otacon was lying.

If he was lying, then he was well trained. Molded perfectly to be his friend… The persona was too perfect to be fabricated.

Breathe.

Otacon felt real, the presentation of a gentle if awkward geek. Real enough that he lost time picturing what they might look like. Skinny? Heavy? Young? The engineers he had seen were skinny and meek, refusing to meet his eye when talking to him. A puff of laughter escaped him. Being so strong and built was intimidating to others, no doubt doubly so to the brainy types.

No wonder it took so long for Otacon to say something last night. A guy like David playing a computer game with a scrawny geek, must have been a shocking image.

His stomach growled. Right, lunch. He had things to do today.

Eat, bathe, change. Rehang Miller's things, hold your breath until you're out of the room. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. The hamper of laundry was nearly full, all his clothing except for a few button downs. He was going into town anyway, he could use the laundromat… Maybe. It wouldn't be too much work to wash it by hand. Just time consuming.

Hay first. Pack the laundry in the truck and decide on the way back, you need the hay. Have to prep the truck.

Battery in the closet. Three gallons of gas in the shed out back. More than enough to get him back into town. He'd have to fill up before getting back to the house, he could handle that.

Cash. Gloves. Boots. Coat. Car keys.

The dogs sang as he made his way across the yard to the shed, so sure he was getting their harnesses. A long, low whistle calmed them. There would be no sledding today. Too much mud and too little snow. Unless the temperatures stayed below freezing and they got another snowfall there would be no more sledding for awhile.

A quick trek through the mud and then back to the garage. Even with the ends of his pants tucked into his boots there was cold mud soaking into his calves. The splash from the puddles, so much water from the melting ice. At least he didn't need to knock it off the fences.

His old truck struggled to start. Every year was like this… If he could manage it then he was going to get thinner oil.

Breathe.

Inhale, exhale. Fingers aching from gripping the steering wheel. Okay. Hay. He could get the hay, hand wash his clothes, and struggle to start the truck. Things could just be this way. Driving through town was quiet and uneventful, farther south it was almost like being home. Just him and the crackling radio; some old blues song barely heard over the white static.

Three bales weighed the truck bed down, his pockets lighter then they ought to be. Frustrating. Change. Unexpected outcomes, like paying a 60% mark up on hay! He didn't have enough cash to fill the tank up. It was going to be light until the next time he needed to go into town. Not until his next appointment. Four weeks. Maybe the weather would remain steady, get a hiking trip in before then. He hadn’t gone since hunting season, before last winter.

A casual hike this time of year, maybe he could catch some fish if he went down to the water instead of up the mountain. Fishing sounded good, fresh meat for him and the dogs. Not that they cared, they were fed everyday so they were happy enough.

Dinner for the dogs and another can of soup for David, a few pieces of jerky on the side to get his protein for the day. So tired… A quick cigarette and then sleep. Laundry tomorrow. He never made it to the bed, out cold on the couch after putting wood into the fire.

Screams pierced the room. The gun heavy in his hand, shirt soaked with sweat and cold against his skin. Not again. Not again.

Breathe.

Inhale, exhale.

Inhale, exhale.

He couldn't catch his breath. Heart pounding in his chest, pulse pounding in his ears. Trembling, sweating. Put the gun down. Focus.

Five things you can see.

Laptop, floor, table, couch, gun.

Four things you can touch.

Hair, wood, fabric, gun.

Three things you can hear.

Pulse, fire, dogs.

Two things you can smell.

Smoke, cigarette ash.

One thing you can taste.

Morning breath.

Everything felt like lead. Bones aching and muscles sagging. The couch protested as he fell back onto it, the back creaking as he put the gun away. Memories, maybe fabrications, clung to his mind. The smell of sea water, and blood, as he shot…

Breathe.

Stop thinking about it. It was over. You are retired from service you never have to be put in that position ever again. There was no one left, no one close enough to be used against you. No friends, no lovers… No family. Not anymore. Fuck. Hands buried in his hair, pulling firmly until his scalp hurt, sharp. Whiskey, he needed whiskey. Where did he put that bottle?

On the counter, only half full. It wasn’t going to be enough but it was a start. Booze burning down his throat, followed by the choking numbness of cigarette smoke in his lungs. Better. The memory was just a ghost now, wafting, formless at the edge of thought. A few more shots of whiskey and another cigarette, it was gone. Nothing left except the buzz, and heat between his legs. Great. Every time with this.

Quick. Hot. Desperate. At any point did he masturbate for pleasure? It felt like he only ever did this to make the arousal go away. An inconvenience. Back in basic the others had pictures or stories about previous conquests but he couldn’t remember them. Not a story or a person, just the feel of his hand. Too dry. Always too dry. Too tight and rough from years of training and service. Knew without a doubt after Meryl that he couldn’t do this with anyone else.

Meryl.

It felt like ice water in his veins, everything hurt. How long had it been since he thought about her? He wasn’t going to think about her. He had to do other things. Laundry. Take care of the dogs. Minecraft.

Otacon.

Dammit. They were supposed to play the game together.

Maybe he was online? Quick, laptop, internet, get into the game. On the multiplayer screen there was the server name and a few little green bars to the right of it. ‘1/10’. Otacon was online and playing! Log in. The farm laid out before him but no Otacon.

Solid_Snake: Otacon?

Otacon: Snake?

Otacon: You came back


	4. Chapter 4

Otacon did not cry when Snake did not come back to play with him. He sniffled and chewed his lips until they bled to keep from crying, but didn’t shed a single tear. He was prepared for this, for being left behind. For being worthless…

Numbness gave way to a painful chill. Every part of his body tight and shaking, it was cold it his apartment but this felt like being buried in snow. It was how he felt when he dragged his little sister out of the pool. When he dragged his father’s lifeless body out of the water. Julie’s hand on his shoulder, her voice like shards of ice piercing his ears. ‘Good job, you did so good saving Emma.’

He cried then. There was no stopping it. So much self loathing and hurt. Hate. A torrent of emotions knocked the breath out of him, or was he holding his breath? If only. If only he could stop breathing and just make this feeling go away. It must have been hours later, he couldn’t recall, when his ‘episode’ was interrupted by his phone. Vibrating noisily against his wooden desk until it fell to the floor, the old carpet making the sound soft. An unknown number. Strange, but he answered it anyway.

“Hal Emmerich speaking.”

“Hal.” Had he a full stomach he would have vomited over his keyboard. Directly in his ear was that sickeningly sweet voice, the same one that whispered sweet nothings to him. That voice that seduced him and controlled him for years.

“Julie.”

“Please don’t speak to me like that Hal. I was worried when I couldn’t contact you. I called so many times.” So she did hear the venom that he spat her name with. Why did she keep this up? Couldn’t she see that he wanted nothing to do with her?

“What do you want Julie?” There was a million things he would have rather said, but that would have drawn it all out. He just wanted to get it over with and block this number too.

“Emma said you hadn’t read her messages, and I miss you.”

“You do not get to miss me; and Emma is still mad at me for leaving.”

“Hal, I do miss you. Don’t you miss us?”

“No.” Voice trembling, throat choked with unshed tears. So many things he wanted to scream down the line but he couldn’t, she had so much power over him even now. With a slight inflection in her voice he was silenced, at her mercy. She did not have mercy.

“I’ve left my husband. It has been lonely since Emma left.” There was no mistaking her tone, what she was implying. It was sick! How could she not see how sick this was?! What a stupid thought. After what she had done to him, it was clear that she didn’t. Yet, just like before, he couldn’t fight her… He was weak and pathetic. Shaking, entire body trembling with hatred and fear. Why couldn’t he just tell her off and hang up the phone?

'Paging Otacon! A new player has arrived! 'Solid_Snake'.

Snake!

“Julie, I have to go.” Gentle partings abandoned. He just needed to get away from her. Don’t cry. An ocean separates you from her and she has no idea where you live. She can’t hurt you… Not right now. Snake was here though. Snake needed him, even if it was only for a little while longer.

Otacon: Snake?  
Otacon: You came back

Solid_Snake: Yeah  
Solid_Snake: Sorry I wasn’t here yesterday  
Solid_Snake: Something came up

Yesterday? That couldn’t be right… The clock on the taskbar indicated clearly that it had lost a whole day. Wow… That was… Snake was just some veteran! Getting attached to a person he was never going to see in real life was just foolhardy. Had things really gotten so bad that one little moment of emotional levity left him this vulnerable? Had to be quick, had to type something.

Otacon: It’s OK Snake  
Otacon: Can you play today?

Solid_Snake: I have a few things to do today  
Solid_Snake: but I can play  
Solid_Snake: i can tell you when i have to leave

Otacon: Sure Snake  
Otacon: Whatever you need

Solid_Snake: so  
Solid_Snake: mining?

Otacon: mining!  
Otacon: follow me!

Playing with Snake was great, he was such a quick learner and dutifully followed instructions. Usually when playing online, Otacon was the odd one out when it came to even the basics. No one liked building large structures when a hyper-compact one would do. Mining was done with reckless abandon instead of careful planning and execution of said planning. Snake played like a soldier, taking instruction as orders and following them with accuracy.

What did that say about him? To prefer someone that followed orders over those who were creative and chaotic. Would Snake think less of him if he mentioned it? Would Snake care? Probably not. Yet there was no keeping his mind from listing all the things he could have done wrong. The flood of self deprecating thoughts. It was always like this, but with Julie's unwelcome advances it was so much worse.

Solid_Snake: do you mind waiting for a bit?  
Solid_Snake: i have to give my dogs breakfast

Otacon: I don't mind at all, take your time  
Otacon: Can I ask you about your dogs when you get back?

Solid_Snake: sure

The image in his head, of the towering Snake being flanked by small puppies pulled joy from his chest, laughter filling the room. Such an image was probably nothing close to the truth. More likely, it was like that beautiful veteran that walked her pack of wolf dogs. Standing tall and commanding a pack of large animals, silent hand gestures and slack leashes. What kind of dogs would Snake have? Wolf dogs? Definitely a bigger breed.

Where did he even live? Earlier assumptions meant that he lived in Hawaiian Islands with tropical weather. Short-haired. Thin coat. Even without a clear image, he couldn't help feeling disappointed. Selling himself the idea of a tall, strong soldier surrounded by big german shepherds, before thinking it through.

Solid_Snake: i'm back

Otacon: will you tell me about your dogs?

Solid_Snake: sure  
Solid_Snake: i have a sled dog team  
Solid_Snake: 15 huskies  
Soild_Snake: i used to have 16

Sled dogs! Now that was a fitting image, maybe a little silly since he was now picturing Snake as a lumberjack surrounded by said huskies. Next thing in game they were going to do was tame some wolves. Snake needed pet wolves.

Otacon: what happened?

Solid_Snake: old age  
Solid_Snake: eventually dogs just get too old  
Solid_Snake: my oldest dogs are getting there

Otacon: Do you miss them?

Solid_Snake: yeah  
Solid_Snake: his name was Rico  
Solid_Snake: i think you can figure it out

Otacon: Yeah I can  
Otacon: Is it your favorite book?

Solid_Snake: not my favorite but i like it a lot  
Solid_Snake: i like reading

Otacon: did you name all your dogs after Starship Troopers characters?

Solid_Snake: yeah  
Solid_Snake: my current team at least.  
Solid_Snake: need to start training new dogs

Otacon: I have so many questions!  
Otacon: Can I ask them?

Solid_Snake: sure  
Solid_Snake: i don’t think i have ever talked about training dogs before  
Solid_Snake: where i live  
Solid_Snake: everyone knows  
Solid_Snake: since everyone has sledded before

Otacon: That sounds amazing!  
Otacon: I never had pets growing up so the idea of having so many dogs  
Otacon: It would be a dream come true

Solid_Snake: as nice as it is too have so many  
Solid_Snake: they are stubborn and too smart for their own good  
Solid_Snake: i only trained a handful of them  
Solid_Snake: the rest i adopted

Otacon: But you named them?

Solid_Snake: adopted from someone i knew  
Solid_Snake: named them when they were puppies

Otacon: I may or may not have just cooed from the image in my head

Solid_Snake: oh yeah  
Solid_Snake: what did you picture?

Oh… Well… That sounded dangerously close to flirting, but that couldn’t be right. Maybe it just sounded like flirting because he never actually flirted with people before. Consistently, women came onto him, aggressive and blunt with requests for sex. Maybe it was his fault, it certainly was when it came to Julie but all the other women? Who knew? It was just nice to be asked, to feel like someone was flirting with him. Snake was nice. So it’s not flirting, you’re just reading too much into it.

Otacon: Don’t get mad?  
Otacon: I pictured a burly lumberjack surrounded by puppies

Solid_Snake: i prefer being clean shaven  
Solid_Snake: but you aren’t far off  
Solid_Snake: i have cut down a few trees in my life

Otacon: I have the feeling you could bench me  
Otacon: Since I don’t weigh much  
Otacon: Not starving skinny but skinny  
Otacon: Spent all my time at a computer screen  
Otacon: Only workout I ever get is moving my computer  
Otacon: When I move, or for work

Stop it Hal! You are spewing keyboard vomit! There is no need to keep adding to your story. Snake already knows that you are an engineer, probably has already crafted a fitting image in his head too. Pockmarked and thin with dirty clothing, smelling of who knows what anymore. If that was the picture painted then it wasn’t wrong. Otacon was all those things, except pockmarked. One of the few kindnesses that had been granted.

Solid_Snake: if you weigh less than 250 lbs  
Solid_Snake: then i can bench you

Something hot and tight coiled in his belly reading the chat, and growing hotter and coiling tighter as he read it again. Oh, okay, this was happening, and he was not ready for this revelation. Just… Just don’t think about it. Besides, he didn’t have a chance with someone like Snake. He didn’t have a chance with that beautiful woman from the park and if Snake was anything like her, then there was really no way… But, was there too much harm in entertaining the thought?

It had only been three days, and Snake was a real person. He didn’t deserve to have some sad, lonely nerd feeling confused and excited about him. Snake deserved better.

Otacon: I weigh less than that by far  
Otacon: More than 100lbs less

Solid_Snake: then yeah  
Solid_Snake: i can bench you

Otacon: Do you still work out even though you aren’t serving anymore?

Solid_Snake: not as much as i should  
Solid_Snake: but I get some with the dogs  
Solid_Snake: wrangling them for sledding is a full body exercise  
Solid_Snake: built kennels for them when i got out  
Solid_Snake: used to be harder without them

Otacon: As much as I hate to ask  
Otacon: You seem to be the outdoorsy type  
Otacon: Why are you playing Minecraft?

Snake said nothing for a long time. His player standing there. Maybe he had over stepped, asked something he shouldn’t. For the first time in years he was close to making a friend, he had to go and ruin it. Just once, could he think about what he was going to say before speaking? Typing? All he had to do was stop and think, or just stop talking completely. Didn’t Julie always tell him to be quiet? That it was better if he said nothing?

They sat for a long time. Maybe not long at all but finally Hal typed out something.

Otacon: Sorry  
Otacon: I shouldn’t have asked  
Otacon: I should just be happy that you are here and are playing the game with me

Nothing more, but he was still here.

Otacon: Snake?  
Otacon: Are you okay?  
Otacon: Are you mad?

In a flurry of panic he typed out as many different ways he could think of saying ‘please don’t leave’ without sounding quite that desperate. Just before finally coming to terms with his desperate plea, Snake responded.

Solid_Snake: i’m not okay  
Solid_Snake: not really  
Solid_Snake: i don’t want to talk about it  
Solid_Snake: yet  
Solid_Snake: maybe later  
Solid_Snake: if you want to know then

Otacon: I’m sorry I asked Snake  
Otacon: Seems I don’t know what not to say

Solid_Snake: that’s alright otacon  
Solid_Snake: you didn’t know  
Solid_Snake: we can talk about it later  
Solid_Snake: lets just keep playing

Otacon: Of course  
Otacon: I’ll support you as much as I can

True to his word, they spent the rest of the day playing together. Mining and fighting. Taming wolves for Snake and building them a kennel in the village that put the entire thing to shame. Snake was an impressive builder when he set his mind to something. Of course Snake would pause to talk about the dogs he had in real life, saying more than usual. Giving Otacon the clearest description of each one and their names. It was so nice. Snake was so nice. Sharing his life, as much as he was able, through the chat.

In a brief moment where Snake left to take care of the dogs and himself, Otacon indulged. He shouldn’t but he was so lonely and so weak. So tired of feeling cold or numb. Flannel and strong arms would be so warm, fluffy shedded fur making his nose tickle. Would it smell of the earth, dirt and trees. Snow had a special smell, would it smell like that? Pine? Too many ideas, nothing concrete. Except for the idea of strong arms around him, callused hands on him. Nothling like Julie. Nothing like anyone whom he had been with.

It was quick, it felt so much better than it should’ve. Better than it had ever felt before. For the few moments before the pleasure faded.

He felt filthy because it was wrong. Clothes itchy and heavy. Skin thick and crawling. He was scum, using their relationship like this. Empty. Hollow. Feeling chastised, like a dog who made a mess on a rug. No better than…

He was not as bad as Julie. He will never be as bad as her.

What he did was… a moment of weakness. He would not do it again. He was human, he made mistakes. Don’t let it happen again.

Solid_Snake: im back  
Solid_Snake: whats next?

Otacon: Let’s find some diamonds!

He wouldn’t do it again.


	5. Chapter 5

“Welcome back David, you seem in good spirits.” As much as he was enjoying his time away from the office and the doctor, it was comforting to return. Familiar settings, a return to schedule. Something that before today was reserved for his little house and a deep bottle. Spending so much time with Otacon was changing so much. Before him there was… There was pain and memories he would rather so forget.

“That’s one way to put it.”

“Tell me about that, if you can.” Back bent, hunched with elbows on his knees, hands hanging between them.

“Well, I followed your advice and played that game. I have been talking with someone. They are using a false name, but they are nice. Nice enough.” Nicer than anyone should have been to a stranger. Nice enough that having to explain that they wouldn’t be able to play together for the next few days brought him stress; even though Otacon was understanding.

“What have you been talking about?”

“Sci-Fi books mostly.”

“Forgive me but I never pictured you as an avid reader.” 

“I read a lot when I was younger, started again after I retired.”

“So you’ve been bonding over a mutual like of Sci-Fi.”

“Yeah. I can talk about my dogs too. He likes them.”

“‘He’?” 

“I think they are a ‘he’.”

“Any particular reason for that?”

“Not really, I just picture them that way. He is an engineer, or so he says, wanted to design robots.” Skinny and nervous, glasses on a small face with a toothy smile. Tinkering with a toy robot as if he could turn it into a mechanical marvel. Was he smiling? Maybe a little.

“‘So he says’. David, I want to talk about that.”

“I… It is easy to talk to him, easier than it has been to talk to anyone in a long time. It shouldn’t have been so easy but it was. It feels… It feels like I walked into a trap.” Outloud, it sounded crazy. Leaning back, opening his diaphragm to breathe, relax. Inhale, exhale.

“Let’s expand on that. Tell me about how you came to meet them.”

“I… I had to do some research on the game before I started playing online. You have to join a server to play with other people. I looked for one, and I just… He was alone, and… It’s hard to explain.”

“Would you prefer if I asked questions?”

“No, but I need direction.”

“How did you find their server?”

“I looked for small servers, the less people the better. I typed in a word and found his server, something from a book. There was a description for the server full of literary references, Sci-Fi references. Something about it felt… tailor made for me. It is…”

“Here, use the circle David.”

“Scared. Exposed. I… Even the people that were closest to me didn’t know me that well, they didn’t want to know my interests…” Miller...

“Are you referring to Miller, your squad mates?” Frank...

“Yeah. Miller helped me buy my books but that was about it. Everything else was…” Ignored. Rejected. Soldiers didn’t need interests, their focus always on maintaining their edge, devoid of anything that could distract them on mission. Frank… Frank didn’t want to form attachments. Only at the end did they share their names.  _ ‘Not Fox. Frank. I want the last thing I hear- To be my name.’ _ Scent of blood and fire.

_ ‘I’m sorry Frank.’ _ Gunshot. Should have done it with his bare hands, but the bullet was a mercy.

“Are you feeling stressed?”

“A bit.”

“We can always come back to this later, but I do want to keep exploring the positive feelings you are having with this. May we continue to talk about this?” Anything to stop seeing Frank’s eyes. Seeing the pride there as his body was thrown back from the force of the bullet. No exit wound.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Do you need to breathe? Relax your shoulders?” Inhale, Exhale. Rolling his shoulders back and down. At ease while sitting down. “Better?”

“A Bit. Yeah.”

“Have you and this other person exchanged names?”

“No. We use screen names.”

“Do you want to exchange names?” No. Never. If Otacon was a plant then he could never tell him.

“I… No? I still don’t…”

“You’re not comfortable being ‘David’ yet.”

“Something like that.” Nothing like that.

“I want to shift focus; what do you like about your friend?”

“I wouldn’t call us friends.” No, never. Inhale, exhale. All his friends died. He could never have a friend again.

“Alright. What do you call them?”

“Otacon, it is his call sign.”

“Tell me what you like about Otacon.”

“He is… naive. In a refreshing way. Supportive. No matter how small it is, he is quick to praise me. He is insecure, always worrying about something… Always trying to please me. Some part of me hates it, I can come across as angry when he is too… needy; but I like it too. Being a-”

“‘Being a-’?”

“More than a soldier. My opinions, feelings, interests, Otacon cares. Always careful, gentle, a little like he is scared of me. Not because I could hurt him, but because I can leave whenever I want.”

“You have autonomy with him.”

“Enough that it matters.” Too much. Too little. Superiors barking orders, telling him when to pee. Being alone and losing hours to nothing, aimless but restless. Too anxious to rest. Done being told what to do.

“I would like to share my opinion. May I?” The Doctor would anyway, so he gave his permission with a curt head nod. “This Otacon has been a good influence on you and I would like to encourage you to take the steps to become friends. While I understand that you have your concerns and value your privacy, your isolation, I think pushing you to establish this friendship is necessary.”

“If I disagree?”

“Then we will just have to try something different. However, I think you do not?”

“No. I don’t.” He did, he didn’t. Wanting a deeper connection but knowing it could only lead to… Everyone he cared about died.

“Do you mind if we talk about your dogs?”

“No.” Please. Change the subject.

“How are they doing?

“Dizzy isn’t feeling well. Snapping at the other dogs. She is eating less…”

“Is she the oldest?”

“No, but she was part of the first litter, her, Rico, Zim and Carl. The males seem fine, slowing down but fine.”

“Have you given any more thought to adding to the pack?”

“I… I did; found a breeder and trainer. Their dogs looked healthy, said they would have a new litter in a few months. It would be a rough drive so…”

“So you’re hesitating?” Of course he would. Training new dogs meant accepting that the oldest were going to pass soon. Dizzy, Carl and Zim, they only had a few more years in them. Less if they were going to suffer. The last thing David wanted was for them to suffer.

“Yeah.”

“Hesitation is rare from you. My impression is that you are a pragmatist.”

“Been spending too much time in my own head lately.” Always, never left it.

“Tell me about that.”

“Ever since we… After… I don’t drink as much lately, so I think a lot. If I think too much I… I go back. So I think about the dogs, or the house… About my paranoia.” Paranoia. No one left to track him down. Breathe. Inhale, exhale. You killed them. Blood, gunpowder. Broken ribs, swollen cheek.

Breathe.

Inhale, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Exhale, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

“You’ve never called it that before David.”

“That is what it is. Isn’t it?”

“I would like to say so but as I understand it, from both your words and from the nondisclosure agreement I signed, that ‘paranoia’ is not what this is. ‘Irrational and without evidence’ does not describe it. Caution is necessary for a man such as yourself. I would not like to mislabel it.” Of course they had meddled. How many ‘David Forrester’s could there be?

“So if it is ‘necessary’, then why push me to change?”

“You isolate yourself because you know you are a dangerous man but still you come to my office. You drank to self medicate, but now you are spending your time with the game, with Otacon. You seek to better yourself, to change, and change is good David. The effects are already making themselves known.” Change. Social interaction. Accepting that he was human.

Human? He never thought of himself as human. Obviously he was, physically. Mentally, he was a soldier, a tool for his country. Conceived to follow in that man’s footsteps. Every waking moment since he was old enough to form sentences learning to follow orders.

Killing a man before he was old enough to be called one.

“It was easier being alone. No one to protect except myself.”

“Do you like being alone?”

“Until I retired, it didn’t matter what I felt. I wouldn’t know if I like it or not.”

“Well that is something we can talk about the next time we meet. I’d like to express my gratitude and pride on your progress today, you have taken big steps. I hope that you will continue to develop your relationship with Otacon; your interactions are having, from what I see, a positive impact on your life. I also want to encourage you to add to your pack.”

David felt his fingers lace, tighten. Sharp and rough fingernails biting into the back of his hand. The Doctor raised a hand and gestured, asking without words to let him speak first.

“Just think about it David. This is just another gentle push, but if you don’t decide I am sure those puppies will be adopted by someone else.”

“I’ll think about it.” Nothing more.

“That is all I ask. I’ll schedule the next appointment as always.” The receptionist smiled and waved goodbye, he offered a short one in return. Just out of the corner of his eye did he catch her blushing and tittering into her hand. Ignore it. Last thing he needed was another person fawning over him, and acknowledging it. Hotel, knife, feed the dog in the alleyway. Still a good dog, distrustful of people and hiding. Walking, smoking, only two instead of six. No whiskey today, just the quiet terminal and the dull grey sky.

Two hours, twenty-three minutes until his flight.

Otacon said they should explore more of the game world, so many biomes to explore. Seeking out the Endgame, if David wanted.  _ ‘It won’t really end the game, but it is something we can work towards. If you want to.’ _

An amused but small smile made it onto his face; travel the world from the safety of his living room. It did sound nice. Stiff finger, wrist. Force it, cracked like twigs under foot. Using the laptop’s trackpad was too cumbersome, he needed something different. There was a gift shop. Computer mice tucked against the back wall with a nearly empty stock of phone chargers.

Forty-Five minutes until his flight, a mouse tucked into the smallest pocket of his bag.


	6. Chapter 6

Something had happened.

Something had happened to Snake. 

After playing together nearly every day for three months, the sudden silence was just…

Maybe he had done something wrong? Why else would he have gone silent for three days without warning? Of course there was no way to ask, they hadn’t even exchanged real names let alone a way of communication outside of Minecraft. There were means, ways that Hal had used before to find out things he shouldn’t. His computer was always recording incoming IP’s, it was as simple as going back through the logs, pulling the IP and track it back to the origin.

It would be an absolute violation of Snake’s privacy. Only a bad person would go through with it. He was a bad person…

Bad enough to do it.

Barely two minutes of work and he learned both more and less than he expected. Solid_Snake was David Forrester, former Green Beret. Retired to an undisclosed location in Alaska. The record was too short… No one dropped off the grid that easily, especially after becoming a Green Beret so young. Who was David that he could be a Green Beret before he was even an adult? Who would even allow it?!

Hal stepped away from his computer, pacing his cluttered apartment living room. Agitated. Skin crawling, disgust filled him from toes to crown. Atrocities happened everyday, he knew and hated that he could do nothing about them. Knew he was scum for doing nothing to better the world but those things were far away. David was close, so much closer than he thought he would be. He didn’t deserve to know this, shouldn’t know this.

He didn’t know enough.

Snake could spend his days with his dogs and playing games, he had retired from service. At the very least, he could have been placed on leave. Post-Traumatic Stress afflicted even the oldest and most experienced soldiers. If Snake had been a soldier since he was a teenager then… Maybe he was having an episode? What if he was suffering? How could he help from so far away?

Back at the computer Hal pulled up a map of the town just south from where Snake was supposedly connecting to the internet. It was small, less than two thousand people and every single business looked family owned. Satellite imagery was three years out of date but nothing had changed, everything was exactly where it stood now. A dog kennel? Would they have a business number?

It was listed, a little hard to find since they didn’t have a website. Just an old tourism listing for the local lake; the number probably didn’t work anymore. Without thinking, without realizing, his cellphone was in hand and the number keyed in. All he had to do was press the call button. He… David would hate him! Everything up until now could be kept hidden, no one except him had to know. It would consume his thoughts and drive him deeper into that dark place until there was only Julie’s voice and the shame. But David would never know, they could still be friends. That is all that mattered.

But if…

If David was suffering? Then wasn’t losing the friendship worth it, because David would be safe… 

Or it could make things worse.

Damned if he does, damned if he doesn’t.

The call button clicked down when he pushed it, and a soft ringing followed in his ear.

“Twin Lakes Dog Lodging and Sled rental, how can I help you?” The answering voice belonged to a teenage girl, nearly the same age as his sister Emma, maybe. Bored and clearly not interested in her job, it must have been a family business that she was roped into helping with. Hal could relate to an extent.

“Hi. I um- I was- I am looking for someone. A friend of mine. I know he lives nearby and has a sled team, I don’t think he has a phone. Or he hasn’t-”

“I’m goin’ stop you right there. You aren’t making any sense. Sum it up.”

“I’m looking for my friend, David Forrester.”

“You’re friends- with David? He has friends?”

“Well, yeah?”

“Okay, so why are you looking for him here?”

“I haven’t heard from him in a few days and I was worried. We usually talk everyday but… So I wanted to see if someone could tell me if he was okay.”

“He’s fine. Can’t tell you more than that, ‘cause I don’t trust you. I’m gonna tell him about this too.”

“I thought you would. Could you tell him ‘Otacon called’?”

“‘Oh-tah-con’ Sure. Wanna leave a number?”

“Ah- No. If David wants to still talk after this, then he knows where to contact me.” The girl on the line hung up without parting pleasantries to leave him with the repeated beeps of an open line. Eventually the line disconnected on its own, the phone pressed to his ear long after it went silent.

He should… 

The server silently came to life, the population empty until he connected to it. Appearing in their new little village, not nearly as large as the one he had built at the spawn point; this little mountain town was cozier. Dogs barking and whining as they did, names popping up on screen as he moved the cursor over them. All named by David’s hand, and color coded into teams. If things had gone differently then he could have added a sled mod to the game.

Now…

Now he had to explain what he did and why. With book and quill he sought the words to explain, tried desperately with every key on the board to capture the scattered thoughts. Begging Snake to understand, asking for forgiveness but knowing he deserved none. Over and over he wrote and deleted the words. Hours passed, and nothing felt right. Nothing was good enough. With the whole book, he rambled.

A sign, a sign would do.

‘Snake,

I’m sorry.

Hal (Otacon)’

It was the truth. If David had any inclination to forgive Hal for what he had done…

He wouldn’t. David would never forgive him. Forgiveness was for men like David, at least the perceived version that lived in his head. With such an image in mind, an indistinct voice reminding him that he could never be…

Hal closed down the game and left his chair for his bedroom. Stuffy and stale, the smell of settling dirt and old linens. It had been weeks since he entered this room, just the sight of those green sheets that were far too similar to the ones he had… He deserved this. Wrapping himself tight in the sheet he was swallowed, falling deeper and deeper into the dark. Drowning.


	7. Chapter 7

“Mr. Forrester! How is Dizzy? Did she come back with you?” The last thing David expected when visiting the kennel was for the daughter to be manning the counter. Shouldn’t she be in school? She was looking at him, begging for attention. A puppy at heart.

“Ah, no. She needs surgery, so she is staying there.”

“Oh no! Will you be there for her surgery? I hear that it helps when your dog can see you as they go under.” Sounded like a crock, but maybe it would help him feel better? Watching over Dizzy like that? It would be another long drive, he couldn’t really afford it this month. Had to cover part of the surgical bill just to have them treat her then and there. That damned vet said it would be better for them to put her down. Fists clenching just thinking about it.

“Probably not, gas is too expensive to go until she is ready to come home.”

“I’m sure the town can scrap together the money so you can go visit! You’ve helped everyone out before, maybe they can return the favor. I can pitch in too!” Bile in his throat as he bit back angry words. Tired not angry. She was eager and enthusiastic. Enthusiasm was for puppies, like her. Not for old war dogs like him.

“No thank you. Ashley.” An afterthought.  _ ‘People appreciate when you address them by name, it shows that you listen to them. That you care.’ _

“Oh my god. That’s the first time you’ve ever used my name.” This was worse. So much worse. She looked like Meryl, bright-eyed and so desperate for… something he wasn’t. Something to bring up at his next appointment, maybe. Meryl came up too often in his thoughts lately. Their failed dates. Lack of emotional intimacy. Thinking about how easy it had been to open up to Otacon. What it would be like to share dinner, a movie… After. He was too old to be ‘discovering’ himself. Put it aside. Later

Breathe.

“Yeah, I’ll use it more. My dogs?”

“Oh, right! I’ll get them for you; I hope they feel better when they see you. They’ve been moping since you dropped them off.” They would. They knew Dizzy was sick and David didn’t until she lashed out. Bandages were scratchy under his jacket, his arm aching. Without a doubt they could smell it on her, they knew she was dying.

Fuck.

David swiped furiously at his face, expecting his fingers to come back wet. Dry. Vision glassy. On the edge of tears, but something kept them from falling. That something was the same thing that made him so appealing to Meryl, and drove her away. Solid Snake; more than a call sign, it was everything that made him into a model soldier. In therapy, they called it a ‘dissociative identity’.

_ ‘I’m not crazy!’ Vicious, venomous. Growling with teeth bared. The Doctor recoiled, just a little. _

_ ‘You are not suffering from DID and I didn’t mean to imply that you are ‘insane’. I meant that you have a dramatic shift in character, likely in response to your upbringing. You are dissociating under stress, unconsciously taking steps to keeping yourself safe. You’ve admitted to lapsed memory on occasion, especially under extreme stress. Solid Snake, the soldier, is extremely goal oriented, a survival expert. Described as making the impossible, possible.’ _

“Mr. Forrester? Are you alright?” She saw it, the anger and fear. Was it just his face right now? Did she see him wiping his eyes?

“Fine.” Curt. Short. A grunt at best. Carl, Zim and Carmen sat with their leashes slack, sagging in their own skin. Just like when Rico passed, already mourning their pack leader. Even if there was still a chance she could make it another year. Ashley’s hand was warm when she passed over the leashes, her fingers lingering on his gloved palm. It would be too cruel to demand she give up on her silly crush. Years of little kindness were already cruel enough.

“Next time you come to town- Keep the offer in mind. You’ve done a lot for us down here and it probably gets lonely up in your cabin.” Yeah, it did. When he wasn’t playing with Otacon.

Otacon. Dammit. He forgot. Rookie mistake.

No, in retrospect it was a mistake, but at the time he behaved to expectations. Isolate Dizzy, treat the wound. Pack the truck, subdue Dizzy and put her in the truck. Carl, Zim and Carmen in the truck bed, drop them off at the kennel, use their phone to call the vet. Secure, transport, extraction.  _ ‘Establish contact when you can, do not jeopardize the mission to submit updates.’ _

Otacon would be worried; he was always worrying. A click from his tongue and they made for the door, old training catching the inhale of breath, the crinkle of paper behind him.

“I almost forgot, some guy called here looking for you, said he was a friend of yours.” When did he turn around? The pale pink sticky note standing out vastly in his fingers. It didn’t feel right. Back straight and hurting, a raging river in his ears. ‘Ohtacon’ written in curly, black lines. Misspelled but clear in its message. Otacon knew who he was, tracked him down. Worst fears realized.

“See! I thought he was suspicious! I wrote the number down off the caller ID just in case you-”

“Give me the number.” Ashley looked scared, it didn’t matter. Hand trembling, she passed another sticky note to him, pale blue this time. Their hands did not touch, her’s flinching away as he all but yanked the paper into his space. Nothing more to say, he made for the truck. Dogs jumping into the cab before he followed, door shutting quietly despite the rage on his face. He should have schooled his expression. A good soldier would.

Not here, he wasn’t going to do this here. Plastic nearly yielding in his white knuckle grip. A cheap cell phone with a random number, bought in cash. No name. No tracing it when it was off. Only the vet clinic knew it was him. Drive home, be careful. The dogs settled into the wheel well and seat respectfully, and they went home. Carefully. No speeding, not even a single mile per hour over. Unpack the truck, feed the pack. They are mourning, barely greeting their pack mates. Shying from David as he cleans up the yard.

The pack settles in their houses as the sun was setting. Inside smelled of rotting eggs, stale coffee. Tidying up, smoking a cigarette, two left in the pack. A new bottle of bourbon waiting to be cracked. He would rather drink then confront this…

Breathe.

Inhale, Exhale.

Again.

While stubbing out the cigarette butt he keyed in the number. Not recognizing the area code. Not Alaska, or D.C.; not caring at any rate. There was no knowing if Otacon would answer from an unknown number. Shame he was tenacious, he would call until there was an answer. On a normal day they would both be playing for a few more hours at least. The phone vibrated as he hit the screen, starting the call.

Ring.

Ring.

Ri-

“Hal Emmerich speaking.” Meek. Small. Smart. Scared. Undeserving of the wrath that David felt at that moment. A shame Solid Snake didn’t care about other people’s feelings.

“Otacon.” A gasp, fumbling. Plastic landing on carpet, a rolling chair creaking as it was pushed. Awkward. There must have been a rule that anyone that worked with computers was terrible with their hands. He could hear hyperventilating, water trickling. He waited, the line was still connected. The breathing was getting louder, but slower.

“Who is this?” Cracking, panicking. It was best he didn’t work for the military, he wasn’t cut out for it. Easily manipulated.

“You know damn well who I am! How did you find me? Tell me who you work for!” A sniffle. Edge of tears. Naive, delicate. Every bit the man he had gotten to know over the past four months.

“I don’t work- I was worried! You were gone for days, and I know that we aren’t exactly friends but I- I wanted to make sure you were okay. I know it was wrong but- I’m sorry Snake, I’m so sorry.” Those were tears. Hal was crying. He was soft, a civilian. A civilian looking out for a friend.

“Tell me how you found me. Now.”

“I- Every computer connected to the internet has something called an IP address. If you- If you don’t fake it, then anyone can take that address and find out where you live. I- I am pretty good with computers so I… It is hard to explain.” No, it wasn’t hard. Hal thought that he wouldn’t understand if he did. That was probably right. Computers weren’t part of his training.  _ ‘Not worth the time, there is always some scientist or engineer that will turn against their boss. They are weak, best as tools and abandoned.’ _

“Do you know my name?”

“Ye- Yeah.”

“My service history?”

“Only your tour as a Green Beret. I found your call sign in an old article, it had your name in it; that lead me to a graduating class record. It- You were seventeen! They talked about your dad-”

“Stop!” Breathe. Inhale, exhale. A shot of bourbon. “You found this all out through the internet?”

“Well, yeah… Well, technically you need to know what you are looking for- maybe proper wording and tenacity but- Yeah.” For a moment that felt like a lie and then... It felt like... Dave wasn’t sure what this feeling was. His chest was tight but it was easy to breathe; in and out slowly but with a little huff on the exhale. Everything was warm. Fingers, toes, cheeks. Hands no longer trembling. Anger evaporating and floating away like steam.

“You don’t work for the military, or the government?”

“No! I would never!”

“Do you know what Foxhound is?” Careful. Listen for it. Listen for the lie.

“No? I mean there was that doctored photo a couple years back of a coyote/fox hybrid, but what would that have to do with-? Was that the nickname of your unit? I mean- I didn’t dig that deep! I just found your name and roughly where you lived; you were so young and I know that PTSD is a thing so I thought maybe you had- That you were having an episode and-” Rambling. Pitched up. Frustrating but kind of cute. Wearing his emotions on his sleeve. Of course Otacon, Hal, was cute. He already knew that.

“Otacon- Stop. I..” He sighed, looking for another cigarette but abandoning the pack as he leaned against the kitchen counter. “I wasn’t having an ‘episode’, Dizzy is sick. Might be cancer. She bit me a few days ago and I rushed her to the nearest vet four hours away. Got back into town a few hours ago.”

“Oh Snake I… I’m so sorry.”

“Wanted to play with you right after I got back; needed company. Then I got your message.”

“I understand if you don’t want to play Minecraft with me anymore Snake. What I did was… It was wrong. You can take care of yourself, I shouldn’t have-” Wait. No. That wasn’t… Damage control, say something.

“I can’t take care of myself.” Dammit.

“Wh- What?” This is where he would drink until he was laid out, too sluggish to think. Slipping into unconsciousness. Waking up too early to throw up. Pain grounding. The bottle was so close, he could drink now. Creaking plastic, tapping against a wooden table on the other end of the line. The bottle forgotten.

“I can’t. That’s what I wanted to tell you today. You asked me once, why I was playing Minecraft if I ‘seem to be the outdoorsy type’. I told you we could talk about it later, if you still wanted to know.”

“I- I don’t deserve to know.” Deserve? Of all the words… Later. Something to talk about later.

“Do you want to?”

“Yeah, I do, but only if you want to tell me.”

“I do.”

“Oh, okay then.”

“I do have PTSD, it doesn’t- Fiction gets it wrong sometimes. I don’t have ‘episodes’ where I disappear into the woods thinking I’m somewhere else. But I- I isolate myself, have been for a long time. I drink to sleep, smoke too much. Started going to therapy a little over a year ago. Doctor said to try the game out, get to know someone.”

“I’m sorry it was me.”

“I’m not.”

“You can’t be serious?”

“I can, and I am. To be honest, I’ve been paranoid about being found by someone. Didn’t have the internet until the day before we first met. Got a cell phone today, just for Dizzy. Of all the people that could have found me, I’m almost glad it was you.” 

“Are people looking for you? I mean…”

“Probably. What do you think?”

“I- Your record is too short, unless you retired at nineteen. As a civilian I would think you worked on classified missions, or something like that.” David let out a huff of laughter. Charmed into cracking a smile, corners tight and barely there. He was glad. It had been a long time since he could smile at all.

“Not far off, that is all I can tell you.”

“That is more than I could have hoped for.” So small, so tired.

“Have you eaten today?” They had talked about this before. Hal confessing that he didn’t eat much when David had excused himself to feed the dogs. Practically a ritual to ask before they logged off for the night. Ace howled softly, the rest of the pack joining in one voice at a time. He did the same when Rico died.

“No?”

“Hal, get something to eat. We can play tomorrow, unless I get a call about Dizzy.” It was an order but nothing like the ones he had given while on tour. Instead of harsh barks, it was softer. Not too soft, David was never soft, but softer. Like giving the dogs instructions. Hal was no dog, more like a scared and cornered wolf pup. Capable but unsure of himself. Maybe he was projecting.

“I’m sorry Snake, I am so sorry.”

“Dave; and I forgive you. Goodnight Hal.”

“Goodnight Sna- Dave.” The line did not disconnect right away. David could hear breathing, hiccups. Swallowed cries. A few seconds, maybe more, the line went quiet. Silence. Wind rattled the door. Ace let out a low howl and the pack answered. After setting the phone down, he grabbed a cigarette. A pop and a hiss from the match, a long drag filling his lungs with smoke. A slight tremble in his fingers and a restless pull in his chest. Three years spent alone, Meryl leaving with a duffel in the mid-morning air. A kiss on the cheek and a bittersweet smile on her face as she said ‘goodbye’.

Adopted out the young dogs that year. Fifty was too many, couldn’t take care of them all alone. Kept the first pack, raced with them that winter. Holed up even worse after completing in the bottom ten. It was his own fault, the dogs could run the course a whole day faster but he wasn’t there in the moment. Couldn’t stop thinking about everything that went wrong with her. They were both to blame.

With Hal… Things were good.

Sharing interests, playing cooperatively without issue. It wasn’t like the battlefield where they thought the same way, they complimented each other. Hal was the brains and David was the brawn, and he never felt like he was taking up the role just because. Hal didn’t treat him like he was an idiot. It was nice. Meryl assumed so much of him, especially that he wasn’t as smart as she was. It was frustrating to play the fool.

Hal was smart. Smart enough to not make assumptions of others.

He was cute. Really cute. Cute enough that when David finally made his way into the shower to bathe for the first time in a week, he did more than just get clean.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Happy New Years~ Welcome to a New Decade~ Might it be happy and filled with your OTPs~)

Hal was… pathetic.

Pathetic for many reasons but the biggest was his very real, very powerful crush on David.

After patching things up over his direct violation of David’s privacy, they made time to talk each week. They rarely for more than an hour, sometimes it was just a few minutes, a quick chat to make sure they were taking care of themselves. David took the initiative when it came to the calls, it just felt natural to let him handle things. That is what friends did for each other. They were friends. Nothing more.

Hal was pathetic because he thought there was more there. There had to be in the way David would sometimes call out of breath, early in the morning. After a nightmare or triggering memory, panting and hoarse from yelling in his sleep. Always calling Hal by name, like it the first thing he had to do to make sure everything was okay.

Friends did that for each other didn’t they?

None of his friends did before.

David was different.

Every other crush always started with something small that started it. Like the woman from the park when she offered him a cigarette after sitting next to him, taking no offence when he turned it down. Her rescues waiting patiently as she finished smoking. Every few days they would see each other, her face obscured by sunglasses and her long blonde hair. He rambled to her, she gave him treats to give to her wolfhounds. She never yelled or tried to stop him, just silently tolerating his existence.

But David wasn’t the blonde in the park.

David was different.

Or he wasn’t, he was pathetic.

They played almost everyday, they talked every week. David even started sending him texts of things throughout the day! Little short messages. Sometimes pictures. Blurry images of huskies or of Dizzy’s healing stitches. A picture of his computer screen with the pack of puppies he was going to adopt. Just today Hal even got to see David’s face when he needed to hold Kitten to show off her facial markings. Of course Kitten was so cute with her domino mask of fur but then there was… David was...

Rookie Snake had been stiff and all but glaring at the camera that took his graduating photo; now he had aged but seemed so much more free. There was no glare in the blue eye that was in frame, no tightness in the jaw. Brown hair longer, almost fluffy instead of cropped high and tight. A little bit of flannel, worn and thin at his wrist. Little wrinkles at the corner of his eye that made him smile and his stomach feel light. Weak knees, dry mouth, and butterflies in his chest, those were tropes for fiction but here he was, feeling them with a blurry picture of his friend, his crush.

Pathetic.

“Do you need a refill sir?”

Why was he here? Leaving the house was a terrible idea. Why was he so pathetic?

“Oh, no. Thank you.” Outside, at a cafe of all places because he wanted to see David when he came into town. When they talked about the puppies it was revealed that the rescuer was based in the same city he lived in. Of course he had rambled that information off as if it mattered and wasn’t surprised at all when it went unacknowledged. Meeting in real life was never going to happen even if they were going to be in the same place at the same time.

But, he wanted to see David with his own eyes. Wanted to hear his voice… Even if it was from over a hundred feet away…

Somewhere along the way it became a character flaw to betray his friend’s trust by using this information to all but stalk him. That is what he was, wasn’t he? A stalker. An obsessive creep, following a war hero who just wanted to live his retirement in peace. The worst part was that he wasn’t even trying to hide it. Out in public on a weekday, at an awkward time at that. A mostly empty cafe, sitting outside just across for a mostly empty park. No one wanted to be out in this heat, unless they were a useless nerd, or the young man currently handling a pack of puppies. The very same puppies that David was coming to adopt.

What was he doing here? Maybe he could just dig out the cash and leave, act like he didn’t wait for over an hour just for a glimpse. Another thing that Snake did not have to know he had done. Just like digging deeper into his family ties and service record; no one had to know that he cried for Snake after learning he killed his own brother and father. Looking to his phone to avoid the waitress’ eye, the happy dog and his friend greeting him from behind the time, thick, blocky numbers. A few more minutes and then he would catch a bus home; there was cash in his pocket for the soda and bus fare.

There was a yip from the dog park, then a chorus of puppies barking puppies. Maybe he should have just waited in the park, sitting on his favorite bench and sipping tea instead of upsetting his stomach with watered down soda. His stomach was upset from stress, so why was he lying to himself? In his hand, the phone vibrated. A text message, from Snake.

‘I’m about to meet my new dogs.’

That meant that… Hal looked up from his lap at the puppies across the street, then just past them.

There he was, Snake. David.

He was shorter than he expected. Maybe that shouldn’t have been the first thing he noticed but in the photo, he was the tallest. In person, he was still tall but only a little bit taller than Hal himself. Maybe a few inches at most. He was wearing a flannel with rolled up sleeves, but it was too warm. He looked too warm. Even from here he could see the damp spot forming on his headband. It looked so natural for him to be wearing it when it really shouldn’t, who wore headbands outside the 80’s? Flannel and a headband? Torn jeans and old boots? Who on Earth was this handsome dork?!

Hal cracked a smile and swallowed a laugh, this was no longer a crush! This was tripping and falling deeply in love.

He was so pathetic; a numbness started in his toes and at the top of his head, spreading out from both. A hand wrung the hem of his T-shirt, while the other weakly held his phone. He wanted to leave, wanted to stay. No motivation to do either. Here he sat falling head over heels over his friend, if they were even friends. David might not even tolerate labeling what they had as friendship. What was the saying, ‘Internet friends weren’t real friends’? So many people have come and gone, promises to meet in person broken without another word.

If they had agreed to meet, and David didn’t show… It would have been devastating.

This was better. It was okay to be pathetic and creepy at a distance. He wasn’t stalking David, just… Just keeping an eye on him. Not that he couldn’t take care of himself, even dressed like a dork he was still intimidating; even the young man was shying away when David leaned in to give one of the dogs a pat. Actually it might have been on purpose; David looked an awful lot like the bullies that used to trap him in lockers back in high school. Shoulders forward and leaning in; not that body language was something he knew particularly well. It was just familiar.

Hal took notice as David took out his phone, holding it out towards the smallest of the puppies. A picture maybe?

In his lap the phone vibrated, another text message that he couldn’t help but open as quickly as he could. It was a picture of the puppy, all white except for the little black spots by its nose, making it look like a heart.

‘She’s the runt. Might not make a good sledder but she would keep the older dogs company.’

‘Gotta start training them first.’

It suited him, pragmatism. Not that Hal could relate because he was almost crying from how cute the picture was. Bright blue eyes and a panting mouth that was almost a smile, she might have been the cutest dog he had ever seen before.

‘She is the cutest dog I have ever seen!’

‘She has a <3 on her nose!’

‘How was that not in the picture of them online?’

Across the road David’s phone was surprisingly loud, a unique tone. A sound effect from an anime! They had talked about it before and he recommended a few that David might like but- He set a custom tone for his messages! Barely half a year had passed since David joined them in the twenty-first century and he made a frivolous change to his cell phone! Hal shouldn’t have felt so proud but through the numbness his heart was light and warm.

And then David smiled. Oh wow… That was the smile of genuine happiness, squinted eyes and wrinkled corners. It looked like it would physically hurt, and Hal found himself smiling just as much. It did hurt. Turning back to his lap he caught the response to his question.

‘Because she is camera shy. I like her.’

‘Want to meet them?’

Hal was shaking in his skin. He couldn’t be- This wasn’t an invitation to-

‘Absolutely! When?’

If humans could jump out of their skin that is exactly what Hal would have done because the sound from David’s phone was much, much closer than it was before. Hazarding a guess he was just across the street, literally twenty-five feet away. The crosswalk sign started beeping and he could only hear one pair of feet crossing the road, heavy and firm. Twenty, fifteen, ten, five feet away and he couldn’t remember how to breathe or how to turn his head.

This did not happen to Emmerichs.

Who was he that this was happening?

“How about... now?” In person that voice was lower, rougher, and he could swear that he felt it more than heard it. Okay, he could do this. It would be rude not to at least acknowledge that this was happening. Just- Turn your head.

He turned his head.

“Snake.” Sighed like a teenage girl; if there was anyone else seated nearby they would be embarrassed second hand by his love struck tone.

“Dave. Unless you’d rather call me Snake?”

“Well I- I thought- It’s a habit since I knew you as Solid Snake first, and I know you asked me to call you Dave but I-” Was the waitress watching him ramble? Was anyone looking at them? The person with the puppies probably was. What was he thinking? Hopefully whatever those thoughts were, they were not negative where David was concerned. His voice trailed off because he had to stop talking, no one wanted to hear him explain, poorly, why he was terrible at talking to his friend.

“Snake is fine, Otacon. Want to meet the dogs?”

“Yes! Have you started naming them? They are a few weeks old now, right?”

“No names yet. Didn’t think about it too much and yeah, not even a month old yet. Have to start training them early for running in a team, it is harder the older they are. I’ve trained an older dog to race but they always had to run wheel, it was too dangerous to have them run any further forward.”

“Are you going to race this winter?”

“I’d like to, but I can only race when they allow less than twelve dogs. Dizzy isn’t ready to race and I don’t want to stress Carl and Zim. Carmen can’t lead the pack, just not her nature. I have to find a dog sitter too, I’d prefer someone there for Dizzy and the pups.”

“I never thought you’d talk more in person, it’s nice.” Why did he say that?! It was as if the filter that kept him in check online or on the phone was completely removed. Some things were better left inside the mind, and that was one of them. Maybe David would just leave him at the crosswalk because of how much of a social pariah Hal was, anyone with any sense would.

“You talk a lot less in person. Why?”

“I’m not really comfortable outside, or in person; I tend to ramble quite a lot so I am trying not to talk too much.”

“I like it when you ramble.” Stunned into silence and then pulled along when David reached out and took his hand. When was the last time he had held someone’s hand, had he ever held a hand so rough and warm? There was fur sticking to the cold sweat on his palms, and the calluses from David’s rougher hand was itchy, despite that it was so nice to feel another hand in his own. 

An emotional mess over someone holding his hand… There was really no wonder why he fell in love so easily or so hard the moment anyone was remotely kind.

Better than David being mad and chewing him out for being a creep about seeing him in person for the first time.

“Mr. Forrester, I was worried there for a second. Are you happy with the litter?”

“I am. How much was the adoption fee again?”

“Five-hundred per dog, and I’ll need your signature on the adoption sheet.”

“Did you bring the vet certificate?”

“Of course, I made sure to have everything you might need to cross the border.”

“The border? Aren’t you flying back to Alaska?”

“No, they wouldn’t allow the whole litter.” From his back pocket David paid the rescuer, taking the leashes with his free hand. Documents exchanged and signatures given, the young man said his goodbyes and walked off; was this what it was like to adopt a dog from a private citizen? It felt weird but it seemed to be just him since David was immediately tucking his papers into a back pocket. Okay what he was actually doing was tucking the papers away and placing a hand on Hal’s shoulder, a ghost of a smile on his face.

“Walk with me? Gonna try and tire them out before getting on the road.”

“Okay, sure.” Of course Hal would walk with him, as long as he didn’t mind hanging out with a stinky, sweaty geek. One of the pups decided that was the best time to sniff their new owner, the rest following when David knelt to let them sniff his shirt and hands. That must have been why his flannel was covered in fur. There was a pat on his leg and then a pull on his shirt; while not the best at nonverbal communication, he was being asked to kneel. The pups bounded over to him and immediately started sniffing his clothes and begging for pets.

“I was going to walk them, but I guess they should get to know us first.”

“Is that why your flannel is covered in fur? It is a lot of fur and it really is too warm to be wearing it.”

“Yeah, I couldn’t bring them down so this is the best way to teach the pups that this is their new family. Wish it wasn’t so hot.” Of course it was! It was the end of summer! Just as he was about to ask it they should maybe move into the shade of a tree, David pulled the flannel up and off his body.

Oh.

Wow.

“You should hold the shirt for a bit, that way they think you are part of the family too.” What? Hal had not understood a single word because his brain was currently trying to process what he was seeing. Objectively it was his friend’s exposed upper body, subjectively it was the naked torso of a man he had been secretly falling head-over-heels for and it was gorgeous. David was twice the man he was, everything that Hal wasn’t…

And Hal couldn’t handle the feelings in his chest, they were spilling out of him and he was going to say something to ruin everything… 

“You’re amazing, you can’t be real.”

“I’m not as amazing as you think. I’ve made mistakes, supported the wrong people. You’d be surprised what I’ve done wrong, what I’ve never done.” Their hands touched, the flannel was slightly sweaty at the collar, it smelled of pine and musk strong enough to smell that little bit away. It was nice. Everything about David was nice.

“Still better than me. I’m honestly surprised that you are still my friend after all of the stupid things I’ve done. Look at today, I was stalking you. I’m such a creep. I just wanted to…”

“Otacon,” Hal stopped talking, he knew that he was supposed to when David used that tone, “I have to get the pups on the sled as soon as the snow sticks to the ground. Will you come up and watch the rest of the pack when it does?”

“You want me to come to your house?”

“Yeah. It would really help me out.” Could anyone say ‘no’ to those blue eyes? Hal couldn’t.

Because he wanted to be worth something to David.

“Sure, okay. I’d be happy to.” Just like that David was smiling, that smile that was full of joy and physically hurt his cheeks.

“Thanks Otacon. Now we have to walk them, I have a long trip ahead of me.” They walked the pups almost six miles and then David had to carry them the last mile to his rented truck. How was it that David with an arm full of puppies was both cuter and hotter than he could have imagined all those months ago. Right, the lack of shirt, and the way the heart-nosed puppy pressed her nose to David’s and licked his mouth, and the smile that started small and only got bigger as they shared a hug goodbye.

David left with his flannel tied around Hal’s waist, who was too invested in waving goodbye to notice until much later. It was at home, remembering the feeling of strong arms around his back and a pulse against his cheek, that he even noticed. There was nothing stopping him from inhaling the smell of the fabric.

He was very much in love with David, his best friend. He was going to have to tell him.


	9. Chapter 9

Maybe, just maybe, David had been too hasty to invite Hal to spend a week with him.

At the time it seemed like a good idea. A lot seemed like a good idea when you were half drunk. Adopting a pack of dogs in person, confronting a stalker who was your closest friend, offering your favorite shirt to them…

Dammit.

A long drag of his cigarette, blowing the smoke out the open window of his truck. Second to last in the pack, a flask in his jacket just in case he couldn’t bring himself to meet Hal when the plane landed. The mission objective was training the new dogs without worrying about the pack. Hal was free, they were friends, it was convenient. Despite the cost of the plane ticket.

Complication. Secondary mission objective, open up to Hal and maybe… Maybe see if there was something else there. Something more. After the incident with Dizzy, the thought developed and lingered. No one before had risked so much to make sure he was safe. Meryl hadn’t at the very least.

Meryl had been… She wanted him to be open emotionally and he tried. He tried, and she couldn’t… They didn’t work because she was attracted to him because  _ ‘he made the impossible possible’ _ . It was clear in the way she slept on the couch when he had a nightmare. All but begging him to spend more time with her and less with the dogs. Just a soldier in her eyes… Even when he wanted to retire. Fully. Completely. One morning she had already packed up, said she was going to leave.  _ ‘You aren’t who I thought you were Snake, but thank you. For everything. Try and take care of yourself.’ _

Hal wasn’t like that.

Otacon was awkward but smart, patient but proactive. He should hate Hal for pushing past the boundaries that he had set around himself. Should have been creeped out seeing him trying to hide in plain sight but… It was endearing. Charming. Then they were in the park, kneeling together, Hal looking at him like he was the whole world. The real world. Everything good and bad.

A gesture, his shirt, to become a part of his family.

David finished his cigarette and stubbed it out in the ashtray, taking a quick sip from the flask to fight back the fluttering in his stomach. Hal’s flight would be arriving any minute now. Should he put music on the radio? They had barely talked about it before. Never mind. Always filled with static anyway. Weather forecast? No, Hal probably didn’t know enough about meteorology to understand the statistics. Something new to learn. David had a lot to teach him after all.

The flight was late, three minutes and twenty-three seconds. Acceptable. Annoying. Waiting for that little bit more put him further on edge. Breathe. It will be okay. As collected as he could muster, he stepped out of his truck and across the parking lot. Waiting patiently at the gate as the plane unloaded. Hal was the last one off, looking a little rough around the edges. Dark circles under his eyes. Probably didn’t sleep after they talked last night.

David raised a hand and waved to him.

“Snake! I didn’t expect it to be so cold, I guess I should have checked the forecast when I was in Anchorage. Usually all I need is my sweatshirt but I guess Alaskan cold is something else.” Rambling. Cute. Otacon didn’t shy away when David placed an arm over his shoulder and took his bag in hand. Light. Maybe enough for a week, if he stayed inside all day. That wouldn’t do. Hal was going to have to help out with the dogs. Warm clothing was a necessity. Could he budget some new clothes for Hal? No. Things were tight with the dogs, and the flight.

“You’re gonna freeze when the sun sets, the temperature drops.”

Meryl left her cold weather clothing behind when she left. They would fit Hal well enough, if he layered up. Maybe the parka from when he was a teenager was tucked in the attic with Miller’s stuff.

Breathe.

Inhale, Exhale.

“Did I say something wrong?”

“Just thought about something that stresses me out.”

“Don’t put yourself out for me, I can buy myself some warmer clothes. While packing I was so focused on making sure I didn’t have to check my bag, and it was so warm in my apartment. I upgraded my computer recently and it puts out a lot of heat! I was thinking that I could build you a computer that was more powerful and we could start adding more functionality to the game. There are so many mods, and even though I didn’t study video game coding in school I could probably make some of my own. Is there anything you want in the game?” This was nice. Better. Hal chatting up a storm as they crossed the parking lot to the truck and even more as they got in. Should it matter that the passenger seat was covered in dog fur? Was it comfortable? Should he ask? The center seat was probably better if the fur bothered Hal.

Breathe.

Stressing out over it was only going to make things worse. The flask felt heavy in his jacket, he wanted another sip just to soothe his nerves. Drinking and driving would put them at risk. Unnecessary risks should be avoided.

“I probably have some clothes you can wear, just have to find them. Would you mind helping me look?” Pulling out onto the road, keeping a close eye on the other cars driving past. Not a lot of people but more than usual. Tourists leaving for the season, most everyone getting their catches cleaned and butchered for winter. Didn’t go hunting this season because of the dogs. Canned and dry goods would have to do. Maybe he could spare the money for some fresh meat? Prices were good this time of year.

“You have clothing that fits me? Must be some old clothing then, I can’t even picture you that small. Or it is it from… Well, you probably don’t want to talk about it.” In his peripheral Hal made himself smaller, it would have been a little thing to someone else. Closing his legs, pulling his knees in close. Folding his arms and wrapping the sweatshirt tighter.

“My ex-girlfriend left some clothes with me when she left. Mostly cold weather stuff. Have some of my old stuff too. Does it bother you?” Cigarette. Last one in the pack. If he didn’t want to buy more then he was going to have to abstain for a few days. Probably for the best. Used the truck lighter even though it smelled awful. Better than an open flame in the car. Cracked a window, ignored the chill. Hal didn’t shiver. He turned up the heat all the same.

“Not really, I guess. More, that I thought you didn’t want to talk about that kind of thing; you seemed like the kind of guy that kept it close to your chest. Knowing that you have women’s clothes that fit me does hurt my feelings a bit.”

“Meryl was a tomboy, wore men’s clothes most of the time, most of what she left behind is.”

“Can I… Would you mind if I asked why you broke up?” Yeah, he did but Hal had opened up. Even the worst at reading body language could see that he was invested. Better to talk about it now, not later. Not when he asked for more without anything in return.

“I wasn’t the man she fell for. Saved her life on the field, couldn’t be that in private. Drank too much, too set in my ways. Didn’t treat her like a soldier. I retired. She wasn’t ready to hang it up.”

“Did you want to break up?”

“I didn’t try and stop her. Wasn’t going to if she was unhappy.” I should have hurt thinking about it but David didn’t feel a thing. It happened. It was the past. It didn’t matter. Until a hesitant hand touched his shoulder. Barely there, left and then came back heavier, surer.

“Completely biased opinion but you came out the good guy in this case. It sounds like you both were headed in different directions and you let her go because you cared about her. She must have loved you, but only a part of you. I… I don’t think love is like that. I wouldn't know, not really. I fall in love pretty easily. That must sound pretty naive to you.”

“No, it doesn’t. I believe at any time, anyplace, people can fall in love with each other. But if you love someone, you have to be able to protect them. More than war, there is illness and pain, loss and hopelessness. When you can’t protect someone, that is when love becomes work, obligation. A cause you fight for but don’t believe in.” The pause was thick, only the engine and road noise filling the air. With a drag from his cigarette, David continued. “We couldn’t protect each other.”

Hal hadn’t taken his hand back, just leaving it where it landed. Fingers chilled, thin. It felt right to abandon his unfinished cigarette, flicking it out the window, to take Hal’s hand in his own. Fingers much colder in hand.

“Snake?”

“Give me your other hand, your fingers are freezing.” The words came out harsher than he had intended. Still Hal reached over, presenting his other hand to be held. Those hands weren’t small but they were completely engulfed by just one of David’s. Practically delicate. ‘Normal’ really. Most people didn’t have fingers thick and rough from handling firearms. It was nice, even if it was awkward.

Their ride finished in silence; by then Hal’s hands were warm.

While it was the last thing on his mind, it was essential that they work out sleeping arrangements. The plan, when he actually gave it some thought, was Hal in the bed and he would sleep on the couch. It wasn’t like he entertained guests often. Letting Hal make a choice would be for the best. Maybe Hal would forgive their serious discussion, and the awkwardness that followed, once he saw the kennels. Usually the dogs only had him and they might appreciate a new friend.

Not meaning to stare, he noticed how Hal was lacing his fingers together. Must have been because he didn’t have anything to carry. Next time David would leave the bag to him. What a disaster this was becoming, and it had only been ten minutes. What he wouldn’t give to just crawl into a pair of sweatpants and drink himself stupid. Just around the garage the dogs were curled up for a nap; Hal trailing behind hadn’t seen them yet.

This was salvageable. Just have to appeal to him. Two fingers in his mouth to whistle shrilly, the dogs all at attention before it finished echoing off the mountain. Usually he didn’t encourage it but, cupping the side of his mouth he started a howl. Ace was the first to sing, followed by his littermates. Birdie yelled, never did learn to howl that one. Dizzy was the last to join, her voice loud and haunting. Most like a wolf.

Hearing the gasp of delight, it made him smile. Salvaged.

“There are so many! I knew you had… It is one thing to know and another thing to see! Can I…” Cute. Charming. Breathtaking. Adjusting the bag up his shoulder, he went to open the closest kennel. Kitten was panting, tail wagging so hard her back legs were dancing. Two pups, almost grown, wrestled in the small hut. The moment the fence gate was free Kitten pushed past to tackle Hal. Frozen ground, no mud to clean up.

“That’s Kitten. The ones wrestling are Tano and Sitha. You’ll get to meet them all soon enough.” Inside of course, Kitten was the only one that wouldn’t take off running when let out. A sharp whistle and Kitten backed off, sitting patiently next to David. Brown eyes happy, tail wagging. She waited while David leaned over and pulled Hal to his feet. So light. Too much force and they were chest to chest. Faces inches apart. Dammit.

Hal dropped his head, avoiding eye contact but didn’t back away. He should let go. It had already been too long. Long past awkward.

“Thanks for helping me up but you didn’t need to.”

“I wanted to.” Glasses fogging when he speaks. It was cold but his hands were sweating. Hal’s pulse is quick against his thumb. Not too fast, just barely quickened. Not panicked, nothing like when he was… Let go! Step back.

Breathe.

Not there. Not today.

“Let’s find those clothes. It’s going to get colder.” Hal said nothing, but nodded. Barely. David opened the cabin and called the dogs inside, holding the door for his guest. Who was looking at the rest of the pack with the wind catching his hair. David called to him, encouraging him to come inside and warm up. Wood for the fire, fanning it a bit to increase the heat. Comfortable. He hung his coat and rolled up the sleeves of his sweater. Something dressier than usual to impress.

The tour was quick, the cabin was small. Took longer to show how everything worked. Fire in the furnace, how to use the cooker on top. All the little things that had to be turned on to make the sink work. Where the generator and the gas was, the water heater for the bathroom. Should have cleaned it better. Little hairs from shaving stuck to the counter. Mats flattened by use. Something musty and old mixing with the scent of his body wash. Not a comment until they were back in the living room, coffee warming their hands.

Hal took milk and two tablespoons of sugar. David had it black with a shot from his flask.

“There is a lot to remember. Honestly, I am surprised how easy it is to take these kinds of things for granted, like immediate hot water. It is nice to have a hotspot right by the furnace though, if I’m cold I can just come out here. As long as you don’t mind. I know you invited me but you never know what people can be like until you live with them.” So serious. Cute. David coughed softly and scratched his chin, embarrassed by himself.

“Don’t worry, I can handle most of it. Just focus on taking care of the dogs when I’m running the teams.”

“I’m sure you’ll be showing me that soon, or is it simple stuff?”

“Yeah, around noon I’m going to show you what to do before I start working with the pups.” Speaking of pups, Sitha decided that wrestling inside was boring. Now was the time to investigate. Nipping and pulling at Hal’s socks, forcing him to curl up and tuck his feet under him. Laughing softly as it happened. Of course that did nothing to deter her and soon enough there was a dog in Hal’s lap chewing on his drawstrings. He should put a stop to it. Prevent bad habits in the dogs.

Instead he brushed some hair behind Hal’s ear, fixed the lopsided arm of his glasses.

“I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but you are a lot more- tactical than I expected. Up until we met in person, I thought you wouldn’t be like that at all but then you hugged me and I-”

“You don’t like it?” 

“Oh no! I do- It’s just- unexpected. I really only was-” Hal was not smiling now. He was frowning, pensive. Hurt.

“Otacon. Do you want a hug?” Open arms, palms turned up. Yes or no, it’ll be okay. Please smile again. I want you to be okay. Their eyes met, and Hal looked torn. Pupils contracting, darting as they looked over his face. Fear. Confusion. Acceptance. Calm. A story told with no words and then they were hugging. Sitha growled softly as she was uprooted from Hal’s lap. It was awkward but in a good way. So different that David thought of nothing but the feel of Hal in his arms.

“You must think I am pathetic.” Quivering, as if spoken through tears. His arms tightened, flexed as he pulled Hal closer. Wood creaking and springs groaning from the motion.

“No. I don’t. Spent a long time without this kind of thing, didn’t get to grow up with a family that cared much for it. Meryl didn’t like it much either. I can stop, if you want me to.”

“I- I have to tell you something. It’s- It’s important.” Slowly their embrace ended. Instead they sat, knees just touching, hands a hair’s width apart. Kitten stuck her nose out from under the table, sniffing at the foot beside her. Coffees sat steaming, leaving rings in the old varnish.

“I don’t like being touched, well, that’s not true. I do like it, but- I don’t deserve it. The last time I was touched, at least, not by accident, was when I was living at home. My step-mother, she and I- well- we were… Intimate. In that way. My father was wheelchair bound and she- well she-” Listen. This is important. But he couldn’t hear a word. Raging rapids filled his ears. Ice water flowing in his veins. Too much like the time he nearly drowned while hiking. Emotion made him choke, throat tight. Separate and identify. Despair. Disgust. Dismay. Overwhelmed.

Breath.

Inhale, Exhale.

Again.

Hal rubbed a tear from his cheek, righted his glasses. Water spots dotted the glass.

Rage.

“-it was my fault you know. I let it go on too long. It wasn’t until my father… My father killed himself, that I finally put a stop to it. Until then I thought Julie loved me and was waiting until I was old enough to-” David had grabbed Hal’s hand. Tight. Hurting. Bones moving as they should not under his hand. There was fear in his friend’s eyes. Tear on his cheeks. The picture of terrified.

“How old were you?” Demanding, rough.

“I was- It started when I was sixteen.” Not even an adult. Disgusting. Breathe.

Inhale, exhale.

“Where is she?” Overwhelming hate filled him. It was worse than being betrayed by Frank. Worse than learning his twin brother had been involved with Miller’s death. Worse still than listening to his father proudly say they lusted for war over all else. Nothing came close to his hate for that pedophille who preyed on his friend.

Hate so blinding that only when Hal winced in pain did he realise what he had done. Let go. Red marks on pale skin, immediately cradled by the other hand. No broken bones. David was sure of it.

“Please Snake, don’t do anything about this. It was a long time ago. I can tell that you are mad about it, I am too but trying to- Doing anything about it won’t change that it happened. I also have a little sister that I don’t want to lose. She is important to me. She just graduated from Oxford! She is sixteen! I’m so proud of her.” All said through tears. Desperation in his eyes.

What a fucking mess.

David left the coffee on the table. Grabbing his flask from the kitchen, emptying it into his mouth. The burn doing nothing for the freezing feeling in his veins.

“I’ll teach you how to take care of the dogs tomorrow. I have to go into town for some smokes. Look around as you like.” Gritted teeth, aching jaw. Boots, coat, cash, keys. Throwing the door open and slamming it shut. Dogs feeding off his energy, barking with intent. They wanted to hunt, wanted to run. He did too.

Driving did nothing to cool his head. Bought two cartons. Smoked a pack in the truck at the edge of town, near choking when it filled with smoke. Needed the second hand, thick and full of nicotine.

What a fucking mess.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (This chapter talks about murder, It has been tagged.)

Hours passed before David came back. Hal had been waiting with Tano curled up at his side and Sitha sleeping on his lap, Kitten whining from under the table. He smelled of liquor and cigarettes, strong enough to be smelled from the door some ten feet away. Clinging to the coat since it was left on the hook, the smell failed to get stronger as David made his way to the couch. Falling on it heavily, springs letting out a whine as the wood shuddered from fatigue.

Silent tension thick in the air like smog, choking, Hal had to clear his throat to speak.

“My return ticket can be moved up, I can leave tomorrow if you want me to.”

“No. You’re staying.” Spoken with authority. The husky rumble deeper and rougher, had he smoked a whole pack in the time he was gone? Or was it the heavy liquor? Something spicy and strong, enough to make Hal’s head swim. Hardened veterans were certainly made of strong stuff if they could practically swim in alcohol and walk around like they’re sober. Then again, who knew? That Meryl girl would, no doubt she had seen David drunk before. So many thoughts echoing in his mind, one louder than the rest.

The same thought that had been echoing since he cradled Emma to his chest, begging her to start breathing again.

_ This is my fault, because I am weak and pathetic. _

It was his fault that David had abused his body today. It was his fault that his left hand was covered in thick red bands where he had been grabbed.It ached down to the bone, as if they would have broken if held a second more.

“Do you hate me now?”

“No.”

“Then why did you-?” Nearly choking on the words, Hal didn’t even try to finish. They both knew what went unsaid.

“I have to tell you something.” The phasing was not lost on him, using his own words as a warning that it was going to be important, something that might change how they saw each other. “I was thirteen, when I first killed someone. Burglar. On a military base, my foster parents were both officers. Broke in thinking no one was home. I snapped his wrist, took his gun, and executed him.”

“Executed?!” David visibly flinched and the word, the intensity of it, and Hal flinched away. Heart beating that little bit harder and hand aching that little bit more. He wasn’t afraid. There was no reason to be afraid. Stop cowering you pathetic little man!

“Executed. I lead him outside with his wrist behind his back. Made him kneel, put a bullet in the back of his head.”

“Why would you go to such an extreme, and why tell me this? I mean it was decades ago-”

“Twenty years, three months, eleven days, fourteen hours.” David interrupted easily, his voice strong and harsh. “I’ve killed hundreds, but only regret four of them. I was ready to add another to the list. For you.”

“You- I didn’t know that you wanted to kill Julie, I thought you might… I don’t know what I thought but not that you might kill her! That’s-”  _ Insane! _

“Why I left. Needed to cool off.”

“Do you still want to-?”

“Yes.” Spoken with such finality that Hal could say nothing in response.

_ Sorrow is knowledge: they who know the most must mourn the deepest over the fatal truth, The Tree of Knowledge is not that of Life. _

“Who are the other three?”

“Frank Yeager. Same unit, he was ex-soviet. Hand-to-hand, succumb to internal bleeding, put a bullet in his head. Eli Lyons, my twin brother. Replaced me in my unit when I retired the first time. Terrorist leader at Shadow Moses. Crushed under a vehicle, succumb to shock. John Sears, my fath-” David’s face pinched uncomfortably, too many emotions flitting across his features to distinguish them apart. It settled on disgust, and sorrow. David had never looked his age to Hal, far younger than the number on paper. Now he looked older, aging before his eyes as face filled with wrinkles and his strength was replaced by weariness.

Had they been closer, had Hal said something to him before talking about Julie, then he would lean in and embrace him. Try and carry some of that weariness on his thin shoulders because it was unfair that David had to carry it alone.

“My former Superior. A flamethrower. I burned him alive. Listening as he screamed his last word. It was my name Otacon. Not ‘Snake’ but ‘David’. Until then I thought- He never treated me like his son.”

“Snake. I think we both could use a hug right now.” Although it was Hal to open his arms in a grand gesture, it was David pulling him close, almost into his lap. Never mind the angry dogs that immediately began to wrestle when their quiet, comfortable moment was interrupted. Yelps and playful growls filled the room as their knees knocked painfully. Hal’s glasses pressed uncomfortably against him as his face ended up tucked into the crook of David’s shoulder. Sweat and cigarettes mixing into a nauseating perfume.

He coughed. Cold rushed in and he was sitting alone, David grabbing their abandoned coffee cups and putting them in the sink. Full grown men, just friends, embracing each other like that? Hal had secondhand embarrassment, a flush creeping up his ears and down his neck the longer he sat, his fingers twitched without something to fiddle with. Eventually he just cleaned his glasses because it was something to do that wasn’t staring at his friend and getting hot under the collar.

Okay. Maybe he was panicking a little bit because his best friend was a murder, with a vengeful streak, and really just wanted to be cuddled like a dog. That was a lot in just a few hours, and his brain was just beginning to catch up. David coughed hard and hacked something up, the sound of his groan like gravel in a blender.

“Snake, you alright?”

“No. Smoked too much, feel like shit.”

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

“No, but I’m probably going to be laid up for a few hours. Help me bring the dogs inside, you can play with them all you want.” In the future Hal might look back on this moment, where he jumped to his feet and rushed to the door, and be terribly embarrassed. After yanking on his sneakers, he caught David’s eyes smiling fondly, he blushed like a schoolgirl. Had life been an anime there was no doubt he would be glowing hot pink with steam rising from his head.

“Excited?” Even wet and rough, he could hear the softness in David’ voice; especially knowing what he sounded like angry. 

“Maybe a little.”

“Good.” After David laced his boots and donned his nauseating coat, they went outside together. The dogs sang, jumping at the fences when they stepped down the steps; Hal nearly falling as he was pushed by the three dogs rushing through the door and into the yard. A strong hand steadied him, a wet laugh following. Had it been anyone else he would have been offended being the butt of a joke, but instead he smiled, and was thankful for the rescue.

Wrangling the pack was a struggle, every single dog vying for his attention before taking off into the house. Did they not like the cold? No, that wasn’t it because they all ran back outside and tried to knock David over, paws pushing, and teeth grabbing and dragging him down by his coat. All except one, Dizzy. She growled softly as some of the dogs came to sniff at her freshly healed stitches. Poor thing.

David whistled harshly and the pack took off for the cabin, leaving Dizzy to walk slowly up to them. Her eyes were so blue, David’s shaky photos did not do her justice. She was truly a gorgeous dog, who was sniffling Hal’s hoodie with her ears at attention. After a moment she sat down, posing almost while looking up into his eyes. A pack leader.

“She likes you.”

“Really?” Hal offered his palm to Dizzy, who sniffed it for a bit before giving it a gentle lick.

“Yeah.” The scene inside filled his heart to bursting, piles of fur and ears all over the main room, Dizzy settling on the couch where David had been. Exactly like his fantasy

“Let me introduce you. Dizzy, Zim, Carl, Carmen; they are the oldest. Jelly, Blacky, Ace, Red, Padre, Kitten; Hassan, Ho, Yvette, Shujumi, Dubois; Dubois is excitable. The pups are Onos, Tano, Sitha, Patru, Trey, Onos has the heart nose.” Well, they certainly were and there was no way that he was going to remember all those names, there were twenty dogs! David said nothing about his slack, just taking off his coat and boots before finding an open spot on the couch. Leaving a spot next to him if Hal wanted to sit. Sure, he could do that, they were friends and friends could sit close to each other.

Between the dog to his right, David to his left and the furnace well fueled it was like sitting in a sauna. Alaskan winter forgotten as Hal pulled off his hoodie, revealing the flannel that had been left with him those months ago. White fur still clung to the chest pocket and collar. Now he was embarrassed again; he just forgot to wash it right? It had nothing to do with the fact it smelled like pine, cigarettes, and snow. It was cold in Alaska so he wore it to keep warm… Maybe David won’t notice?

If he did then he didn’t say anything, just laced his fingers together behind his head and slouched. Looking the picture of relaxation. After a few minutes David fell asleep, fingers lose their grip and one arm unfolding to land on Hal’s shoulder. Firm muscle trapped him when fingers curled into his shoulder. Maybe Hal could have gotten himself loose but that would mean waking up David. Dizzy huffed and uncurled from her ball before laying across his lap. A little sigh escaped the husky and she settled.

When it Rome… Hal very carefully laid his head on David’s shoulder, crossing his wrists in his lap so they didn’t end up stiff from sleeping up right. One of the dogs was snoring, David was snoring, and the fire crackled. It was nice, cozy. Warm.

What woke him, some time later, was a hand combing his hair. Not too rough but not too soft, the hints of panic completely quenched by the smell of musk. A soft rumbling hum against his ear, a heart beating slow and loud. David must have changed the angle or something because his blunt nails scraped along his scalp, and it felt really nice. A pleased sigh escaped him and the hand stopped but didn’t leave his head. There was a little movement, one of the dogs padded across the wooden floor. A click, a chuckle.

“Did you take a picture of me?!” It was so unfair, David looked like he just woke up and was just effortlessly handsome; probably a biased opinion.

“Of us.” Honestly he was expecting another blurry photo that was framed poorly, maybe David’s face being cut off like in all the pictures of the dogs but it wasn’t. It was clear and perfectly framed. Capturing the moment that Hal smiled like a fool in love, and David doing the same. Oh. So was David…?

Was this a good time to confess? They looked so lovey-dovey, and they were snuggling on the couch, and they… Looking up from the phone their eyes met. Now was perfect, all he had to do was say it. Say it! Hal opened his mouth to speak, a single syllable escaping when Dizzy whined from his lap. A plaintive sound with ears folded back, her tail curled inward against her back leg. Eyes turned to her and the moment was gone, Hal sitting up right and David leaning forward to inspect his dog.

Dizzy looked fine but there was a trickle of dark urine down her leg. Poor thing! She probably couldn’t wait any longer and let it out by accident.

“It’s okay girl, let’s go outside.” At the word all the dogs, except for Dizzy, perked up their ears and made for the door. David slipped on his boots and followed the pack outside, from the door he nodded to Hal. What that meant was completely lost on him, but Dizzy whined again from his lap so he didn’t have much time to understand it. Would Dizzy wiggle if he picked her? Obviously she was in pain or something, why else would she whine like that?

Carefully Hal managed to get his arms under her and scooched off the couch; Dizzy did not whine or wiggle as they headed to the door. If anything her tail uncurled and her ears stood up straighter, was she feeling better?

“She’s faking.”

“What? You aren’t serious?”

“Pulled the same trick on me when she got her stitches out. She does have to pee though. Dizzy, out.” As soon as David finished the command, Dizzy wiggled until he put her down. She was fine and once out in the yard she found a tree stump and did her business.

“I didn’t know dogs could be that smart.”

“Dizzy is a league above in my opinion. Too smart for her own good, but it makes her a good team lead. Stops when she’s tired. Knows the way home. Stubborn though.” With the door open and the falling temperature, he should be shivering. Yet standing next to David he wasn't, acting as a barrier against the cold it seemed. Despite the cold appearance, he really was a warm person. Avoiding people but a dog lover, willing to spoil them from time to time. Hard in body but soft of heart, always looking for a hug.

Like mixing salty and sweet food, the contrast was irresistible.

"You sound proud of her, like she's your daughter."

"Kinda is. Humans and dogs evolved side by side, their’s influenced by ours. Not too unlike a parent imparting wisdom and intent on their children. Never liked chaining or crating, better to let them run free, as long as I'm watching. No matter how smart, they are still dogs."

"That's a pretty sophisticated thought process, to me at least. I didn't have pets growing up and I never thought about having kids… I just never thought about it before." Growing up the way Hal did he never wanted those kinds of things, it was better to just live for one's own self. The last thing the Emmerich line needed was another generation of brilliant engineers doing terrible things. Thinking about the future in general was not something he found himself doing.

"Dogs are easy to take care of alone. Kids? Only if I had someone.”

“Did you have someone in mind?” Probably Meryl or someone like her, not that Hal knew what she was like. Maybe just a woman in general; a feminine touch… It was for the best that he didn’t confess earlier, things were already awkward without romantic feelings and rejection hanging over their heads.

“I do now.”  _ Now? _ “Dinner time. For us and the dogs. Soup okay?”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nonplussed, non-plussed  
(of a person) surprised and confused so much that they are unsure how to react.

Morning came before the sun rose; a dog licking David’s face. Begging for attention. Just a quick ear scratch before getting to the morning chores. Dizzy decided, again, that his chest was her personal bed. There was a good reason he preferred sleeping upright. Spoiled. Have to remind Hal that they have to stay outside for the rest of the week. Smiling, he thought about how much work Hal was going to have to get used to.

Three days and Hal would be laid out completely.

The dogs paired off for their kennels with a command, eagerly digging into their breakfast. Snow had built up over night, wet and heavy. Dangerous to sled on with a new team, if he hadn’t already dug a track for them to follow. They would do fine. After the pups were done eating David got them into their harnesses, chaining them to the sled. Double checking the anchor to be sure they wouldn’t take off.

Time to wake up Hal. Paranoia prevented him from oiling the hinges, allowing them to squeak loudly when he opened the door. No need to turn on any of the lights, he could navigate the room easily in the dark. Finding Hal was another story. From the edge of the bed David slid his hand across the comforter. Not this side. On the other side, Hal was only a few inches from the edge. Cocooned against the chill air. Tomorrow night he’ll keep the door open, the heat couldn’t reach the room otherwise.

A gentle hand carefully shaking Hal awake. While he wasn’t a veteran it was clear that trauma might cause him to wake in a panic, David did the first time he woke up in an unfamiliar bed. Inside the cocoon there was a groan, a weak kick getting caught in the blankets. Cute, but mildly annoying. Today was a work day. After finding an opening in the blankets, he reached in, pressing cold fingers to warm skin. A pained yelp followed, fabric shifting.

“Why?” The whine muffled by the thick blankets. Charming, cute. David managed to keep his laugh to a small huff, it would be mean to do allow more.

“Time to wake up. Gotta start early today.” More grumbling came from the blankets, the sound of a hand tapping fabric. Skin on wood. A little huff of pain. Must have stubbed his hand on the end table. “I’ll get the light.”

The old lamp clicked loudly to life, a soft, yellow glow filled the room. Glasses catching the light enough that he could pick them up and pass them to the slim hand that rested at the edge of the bed. Hal eventually unwrapped himself from the blankets, falling asleep as soon as he was sitting still. Another gentle shake to wake him again. While not a chore David was going to enjoy adding to his morning it was not without it perks. Slim arms clinging for support. Nose nuzzling against his shoulder. Expression exposed and trusting.

Until Hal had his first sip of coffee, David could pretend they were dating.

After what happened last night…

The shower turned on, drowning out the sound of him groaning.  _ ‘I do now’. _ That line was worse than giving Hal the shirt off his back. Then at dinner, wiping away the crumbs that clung to his cheek. Domestic. Nothing like he was used to. None of his adoptive parents did anything like this. Casual touching, eyes meeting. Smiling at each other.

Fuck.

Not now. This was not the time to be reminded that he actually had sexual desires. Hal was just in the next room! Had slept in his bed last night, would again for the next few days.

Breathe.

It was his house, his room. Hal had just started his shower. Three minutes tops. Leave the door alone, it squeaked. A tissue from the side table, couldn’t make a mess. One arm against the wall, the other at his belt. Just make it quick. Hal tucked under his arm, wearing the flannel so that his collar bone was exposed. Dreamy smile on his face, glasses slightly askew. David’s name on his lips instead of ‘Snake’. Quick work made of the buckle, popping the button, zipper opening easily. His hand was cold, too thick and rough.

Quick. Dirty. David bit back his grunt, had to keep it quiet when he came. Forehead pressed into the wooden panelling so he could hold the tissue against himself. A grunt that became a sigh, should have gotten another tissue. One wasn’t enough. No guilt or shame in grabbing another, cleaning his hand and the rest. Had to throw them away in the kitchen trash, the one in the bedroom was empty and it would be too obvious if he threw them away there.

The bathroom door opened as he finished buckling up.

Hal was dressed but only in jeans and a flimsy t-shirt. Too big. Clavicle just showing from below the worn collar. Guilt. Desire. Outrage.

“That’s not warm enough.” Accusatory, too harsh. He could see it in the way Hal adjusted his glasses, turning away to make himself smaller.

“I know but the warmest thing I have is the flannel you gave me, and I don’t own anything but jeans and pajama pants.”

“Cotton kills. Wait there.” Should have dug out those clothes last night, shouldn't have forgotten about it. In the drawer he couldn't bring himself to clean had all of Meryl’s old clothes. They would be a little tight on Hal but only in the waist. Better than the clothing that was almost falling off him. Warmer. Wool sweater and thermal pants, wool blend. Much better. Hal retreated to the bathroom to change.

A few minutes later he returned, dressed appropriately for the climate. Their shoe sizes were close enough, a pair of broken in boots would be enough for Hal to work in the yard. Being able to watch as he bent over to tie the laces was just a perk. Women’s clothing was designed to fit tight in the hip, it certainly did on Hal.

“Do they fit okay?” Innocent in tone, not in thought.

“Yeah, a bit- Um, tight in some places but nothing I can’t handle.”  _ Stop looking at him like that. Turn away.  _ David took a deep breath and pulled on his coats, skipping one. The last one, the heaviest of them, passed to Hal.

“The coat will be big but not too much. Just tighten the waist belt.”

“How long are you going to be gone?”

“A few hours, I’ll be back before lunch.” Once outside the pups barked impatiently, surging forward, trying to run. They were eager to get going, so was he. Every minute that passed was a minute wasted. So the yard walk around was quicker than he would have liked, but it was only a few hours. Not much could happen, especially with the dogs around. They scared off most things. “Dogs stay outside. Emergency number is on the table. I have my radio, your’s is already tuned to my frequency.”

Breathe.

Inhale, Exhale.

Nothing was going to happen. Nothing had happened in three years. He hadn’t had anyone to protect in three years. Last time he wasn’t there, Miller was killed. Hal wasn’t an invalid, he was smart, caring. Not a target. Vulnerable if they wanted to get to David. Nothing had happened before, someone might be biding their time.

“Be safe Snake. If anything happens, I’m here for you. Not that anything will happen, I just wanted you to know.”

“I will. See you later.” During their parting hug he heard a whisper; ‘alligator’. Childish. Charming. After their embrace lasted a fraction too long, David finally took off for the forest. Keeping the dogs from running too fast with the brake, raising his hand in parting until it was too dangerous to look back. Depending on how well the pups took to sledding David would be able to take the entire team out for a run by the end of the week. Bring Hal on the big sled, take him down to the lake. Still warm enough to go fishing. How long had it been since he last went fishing? Before he started playing with Hal.

Easy enough to lead the dogs to the prepared path. For the first time in the snow they did well, well enough. They would get better with practice. He could race the Iditarod next year, had the team for it now. Not to win but winning was never the goal. Hal could come up and take care of the oldests. Maybe even fly out to Nome and watch him cross the finish line.

Letting off the brake, David crouched low for the surge forward. A loud ‘marche’ and off they went, just a little free pulling to tire them out. Good way to figure out their temperment tied to the sled. Kitten and Ace had been the wheels for a long time; the time was coming to train a new pair for the position. In his ear the radio crackled to life, Hal’s voice coming through a little garbled.

“Snake? Don’t worry, nothing is wrong, I was just-” Static, a click, then silence. Hal must have let go of the button to talk. Didn’t know radio etiquette it seemed. Made sense. Something to teach him when he got back. David reached for the radio push-to-talk on his shoulder

“Are you lonely Otacon? Over.”

“So saying ‘over’ is a real thing? O-Over.”

“Means it’s your turn to talk. Over.”

“Oh, I didn’t know that. But, yeah, I was lonely. I was playing a game on my phone for a while, and then I played on your laptop but it isn’t the same when I’m not playing with you. It is really quiet… Over.”

Someone used to the city might think that, all those people packed so tightly. More than enough to drown out anything else. Hal’s ears just hadn’t adjusted yet.

“Bundle up, wait outside. Close your eyes, listen. I’ll be back before you know it. Over and Out.” In an all out run, they would be back home soon. Less than half an hour. Had to correct their course with the brake, leaning to ease the movement. Hal did not radio back but that was to be expected. He slipped the earmuff off his ear, listening. The beating of paws against the snow. Dogs panting. Crunching as a heavy pile of snow fell from a tree limb. Wind rushing over the shell of his ear.

Beautiful.

Hopefully Hal could appreciate it. He wanted to be able to share this with someone.

Cresting the hill behind the cabin, he caught sight of Hal standing in the middle of the yard. Eyes shut and hands cupping his ears, a serious look on his face. Trying, just like David asked him to. He never knew that love could be felt so deep. Entire being and soul.

Breathe.

Inhale, Exhale.

Inhale, Exhale.

Inhale…

The dogs pulled hard, running right for Hal. Brake dragging noisily as David brought them to a stop. Hal startled but didn’t run, rushing to the sled instead. Gloved hands grabbing the stop, catching the anchor ring and driving it into the ground. After only seeing it once? Smart. Adaptive.

“Snake are you okay? I heard dragging and thought-” Cheeks and nose ruddy from the cold. Glasses fogging from David’s warm breath. Eyes blue like the clear sky. He couldn’t resist. Hal’s voice died when David pressed their lips together. Thick thermal fabric prevented it from being a proper kiss, but the intent was more important. It was clear.

Eyes met. Hal looked nonplussed.

“Tadaima, Otacon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tadaima  
Japanese: (Translation) I'm Home. Lit: (I have returned) Just now.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Short chapter! Don't worry, there will be more coming.)

_ Oh fuck. Oh fuck! What just happened?! Did that just-?! _

Hal’s inner voice was screaming at the top of its lungs. David just kissed him. Just like that. No warning or lead up just… Leaning in close without breaking eye contact, breath smelling like coffee instead of cigarettes. Fleecy thermal muffler slightly damp against his dry and cracked lips. Such a smooth move too! Hal’s glasses fogged up completely from the heat that rose from his blushing cheeks, not that it mattered because he covered his face with his hands. So embarrassed that he had to hide from the reality of what just happened.

The world had just been upended!

Yet, David seemed fine. A quick peek through his hands and he saw David as he exposed his cheeks, not at all pinked, and face relaxed. Typical resting face, a little scowling and serious, blue eyes clear and focused. Casual. Yeah, that was it. Someone like David probably had a massive list of people he had fleeting romances and one-night stands. A little kiss like that meant nothing…

Hal tucked his hands into the coat pockets as the numbness washed over him. Ruffled from a little kiss? Pathetic.

A warm hand against his chin to tilt his head back up and away from his chest, another to remove one of the hands hiding his face. David was smiling gently, just a little curl at the corner of his lips. The same look he had when they held hands in the truck. His thumb pressed against his lower lip where it had split from the cold.

“Let’s get inside, it’s cold.” Such a gentle voice and an even more gentle hand pressing at his hip to steer him back into the cabin. Lower lip left cold and tingling when David’s hand fell away. Once inside Hal managed to undo the coat and take off his boots, nearly falling over when the boot didn’t come off even with a firm tug. Nearly, because David was right there to catch him with a strong hand on his shoulder. That smile... 

They ended up on the couch with a container of homemade jerky in front of them, another with dried fruit. Meat tore and snapped from the other side of the couch as they ate, Hal nibbled slowly at his own meal in silence. It was delicious. It was something to be preoccupied with while he was recovering emotionally. Who does that?! Leaning in and stealing a kiss out of nowhere then acting like nothing happened!?

With another bite Hal tried to focus on each thought that passed through his head, filtering them as best he could. The kiss had been impromptu, the fleece mask and chaste nature was proof of that. David regretted, or second guessed his feelings afterward. No, that wasn’t right. He wasn’t the type to act unless he was sure, at least that was the impression. Following that thought, if that was true then David was resolute about kissing Hal. Why did people kiss even? Usually because of love.

No one could love Hal. Tolerate. Use. Maybe even respect if he was lucky, but not love.

Why did David kiss him then? Cyclical thinking did nothing except leave him mentally exhausted, sick to his stomach as if he had been running for miles. David passed him another piece of jerky, and Hal noticed that his hand was empty. He accepted the food with a smile, something small that he barely felt, while David smiled that same smile back at him.

Suppose that David did love him? Working under that supposition, then that kiss was not as casual as it seemed. Maybe David’s heart was beating just as frantically in his chest, worrying that Hal hadn’t said anything since then. What if, right now, he was trying to work out what excuse could salvage their friendship? So…

David stood and packed away the rest of the food, returning to the couch where they were close enough to knock knees. A grim scowl had returned to his face.

“Otacon, did I…”

“No! I mean, you just surprised me when you-” That smile returned, blush rising to his cheeks and ears; Hal felt his face and ears do the same.

“Could I-”

“Yes. Please.” David’s lips were wet, and their facial hair rasped against each other. A little head tilt and their chaste kiss deepened, Hal crowded into the corner of the couch by a strong body and thick arm. Where was he supposed to put his hands? On his hips? Shoulders? Fingers slid into his hair, cradling his head. After hesitating Hal laid his hands on David’s ribs, through the fleece shirt he felt a band of scarring. It was long, thick, and rough to the touch. Nothing like the thin white line that marred his leg after being cleaned and stitched by a professional.

“Frag grenade, stitched it closed in the field.” Spoken between breaths before they went back to kissing. This time was more passionate, his head forcibly tilted back by David’s hand. It was too much, his chest was tight and stomach lurching. One little push and David gave him room, aside from the hand resting on his knee.

“Damn it! I’m sorry- I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s okay Otacon. Breathe.” In and out. In and out. David began to count evenly. A few times up to five and down again the tightness in his chest faded. Lips against his forehead, an arm wrapped carefully around his shoulders to pull him closer so their side touched. How could he be so kind after being pushed away like that? Before, with anyone else, there was no kindness. Accusations and yelling, dismissals and pity. He didn’t deserve kindness. 

“Snake it wasn’t- You didn’t-”

“Shh. It’s okay Otacon.” Another kiss on his forehead. “Talk to me?”

“...I can’t.” After a long moment Hal spoke, quietly and hesitantly. If he were stronger then he could explain how it would be better if David found someone else to love. Instead he was pathetic, a weak little man that wanted to be held and loved until all the painful thoughts stopped screaming so loudly in his head. Being in love wasn’t enough, knowing that David loved him in return wasn’t enough. Every single day would be a question not of if but when their relationship would implode.

David’s volatile anger… Directed at Julie it was frightening enough, if directed at him…

“Okay. It’s okay.” It wasn’t but he was so sincere. Hal could almost believe that it was.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Apologies to everyone who has been waiting so patiently for the next chapter, it is another short one. I hope you can forgive me for taking so long on so little. Also this chapter is a little NSFW, not explicit but you know. Mature.)

Over the course of the next few days David was getting frustrated, with himself more than Hal. Every time it felt right he would instigate a kiss that would lead to more and every time Hal would push him away in a panic. In sniper training his patience had been exemplary, why couldn’t he muster that patience now? Why couldn’t Hal just talk to him? Stupid question. Trauma. Julie. In his hands the rifle racked loudly as he moved the bolt.

Breathe.

Carefully he slung the hunting rifle onto his back and left the garage. Checking his holster to be sure the handgun was snug and safe, Miller’s old sidearm, would have been a shame to lose it. In the yard Hal was filling the buckets with food for the dogs, his voice raised slightly as he was pushed into a fence by an excitable Onos. As much as he loved watching the scene play out, it made his blood boil. Annoying. Frustrating. 

Breathe. Calm down.

It was just sexual frustration. While a new experience it was no worse than anger or physical pain. Put it out of your mind.  _ ‘Emotions make you vulnerable, being vulnerable will get you killed. Pain is much the same. These things can be ignored.’ _ Miller’s voice echoed in his mind, the memory of pain from being kicked in the gut sharp. Focus, put it out of your mind. The memory faded, the heat in his blood did the same. A few steps forward, snow crunching underfoot. Hal turned to him with a bright smile and flushed cheeks, a hand trying to keep Onos from knocking his glasses off.

Frustrating.

Breathe. Inhale, exhale.

Maybe not making time to be sexually active until he was in his mid thirties was a bad plan. It left him inexperienced, reckless at the worst of times. Times such as now as Hal closed the kennel gate having escaped the dogs. Raising his arm, looping around Hal’s waist to pull him in close, combing a hand through the dark walnut hair. He noticed the other night when Hal had fallen asleep on the couch, they were the same color. Dark Walnut. Blue eyes, pupils dilated. David stole a kiss, deepening it a little until Hal let out a little gasp.

Step back. Give him room. David stuffed his hands into his coat pockets, fingering the cigarettes in one pocket, and the spare ammo in the other. Usually Hal would go pale, curling into himself to be smaller. This was different. Flushed and leaning his head to where David’s hand was. Droopy eyed, lips parted.

Frustrating. Arousing.

“Be back before sunset, hopefully with fresh meat for dinner.”

“Yeah, okay. You are taking your radio right?”

“Always.”

“Be safe, Snake.”

“I will.” He stole another kiss, a quick little parting thing. Domestic. The team barked impatiently as he stopped to tighten the tarp to the sled. Ha hated to lose another one. After pulling the anchor loose he offered a wave to Hal, receiving one in return. ‘Marche’ spoken sharp and loud, the dogs setting an aggressive pace. Had to brake to keep Carl and Zim from overexerting themselves. Too much energy from over-stimulation and lack of exercise. Hal’s flight was tomorrow, the pups had done a good job getting used to sledding. They could take a long trip tomorrow, all together.

Without Hal within eyesight it was easier to put his physical desires aside, to fall back on his training. Scouting. Tracking. It wouldn’t be too long until he reached his favorite hunting spot. Not popular with out of towners, and the locals prefer open ground, working in teams. David bought the dogs to a stop, firmly planting the anchor in the frozen ground. Carl and Zim whined, they wanted to run. He soothed them with a low voice. They would take the long way home.

Crouched low David began tracking. Some old moose tracks, a few hares. A young wolf, limping, thin. The wolf would not make it through winter, shame. Nothing to do about it, nature would take its course. Still, David offered his condolences. Moving through the heavy snow layer, he happened across some fresh tracks. Hare, a big one too. Perfect target for the handgun at his side, even shooting from a distance. Now to find it.

At the edge of a clearing David waited. A few minutes passed, a few more. There it was. Big and fat, sniffing about in the snow. Line up the sight, breathe in, slowly breathe out. Squeeze. The crack of gunpowder echoed off the hills and in his sights a spray of red colored the snow. Damn it. His shot was off, the poor thing was still alive, hanging on by a thread.

Police the shell. After holstering the gun he rushed to the animal’s side, the knife from his boot already unsheathed. Quick, straight to the neck, severing the spine in a single motion. No more pain. It went faster than he expected, it usually took at least another hour before he was ready to head back if he actually caught something. Must be morale. The dogs were more energetic, if acting rebellious because of Hal; David felt better than he had in years. Down to half a pack a day, only a shot with coffee.

Passing the evenings reading, and watching anime with Hal. Mostly ones with giant robots.  _ ‘There is a big difference between Super Robots and Giant Robots! You see, Super Robots…’ _ It was good to see him so passionate and animated. Even if the anime he was so passionate about wasn’t the best fiction Japan had to offer. Not that he dared to say that out loud. He had to laugh thinking about Hal’s wrathful shoves when he said that the imperial war drama set in space was boring. Or when he dared to critique the lack of battle tactics in that ‘giant robot’ show full of kids fighting wars.

It was funny until Hal hid in the bedroom, acting childish. Then David was left standing in the hallway taking deep breaths, aroused, thinking about all the ways he could try to win back Hal’s favor.

The anchor came free with a sharp tug, the dogs whining when the sled slid backwards on the wet snow. Take the long way home, drive some hare into the valley even. Eating nothing but moose for the rest of winter could get boring. David ate nothing but moose for a year when Miller was still alive. What he wouldn’t have given for something different.

Hal probably had never eaten hare before. David wasn’t the best cook but he could handle some stew. Brine overnight and then stew for dinner tomorrow. A home cooked, fresh meal before Hal went home. His order to the dogs was a little weak, but they pulled all the same. He had gotten used to having Hal around, felt like he wasn’t going to get used to being alone again. What if he confessed tonight? Could they share the bed? David liked cuddling. Did Hal? Spending so long without thinking about tomorrow, about what comes next left him woefully unprepared for this.

He gave a simple command to the dogs, ‘courir’. Carl and Zim will find their way through the snow. It kept him on his toes mentally, reading the unmarked path and communicating wordlessly with the pack. A few hours later he commanded them to turn home, ‘accueil’. They could find it by scent, certainly not the first time he has then led the way back before. Not proud to admit that once he got stumbling drunk while camping; Rico took them home then.

Over the crest of the next hill he saw the roof, then the tops of the kennels. Then the shed. A bull moose. Barking. Snarling. Where was Hal? Before he could think the sled came to a stop, his voice caught in his throat. Finger on the push-to-talk.

“Otacon, relay your location immediately, repeat, relay your location immediately. Over!” Panic was setting in, voice dropping in pitch to growl. Sounding angry. He was, because he was scared. He had never been scared before. Not of dying. Not finding Miller’s body. Not when the burglar pinned him to his bed with a gun pressed to his temple.

“Otacon! Where are you?! Over!” Nothing. Dizzy’s snarl was louder, and then she howled. The bull moose charged. Heading for the kennels.

No time. One shot. Rifle. Level. Lead. Aim. Lead more. Adjust.

Exhale.

Fire.

It let out a loud bellow. A spray of blood coated the snow. The bull leaning, stumbling. Falling. A dead heap on the ground. It made the ground shake. No. Not the ground. He was shaking. Hal. Where was Hal? Down in the yard David anchored the sled. Even in his panic he would not forget. Check the moose for life signs. None. The bullet pierced the eye socket, equal parts luck and skill. Dead within seconds. Minimal suffering. Dizzy and the pups whined and vocalized, clawing at the kennel fence.

Curled up at the corner of the fence was Hal. So small. The smell of urine. Oh Hal…

David very carefully placed a hand on Hal’s knee, ignoring the sudden flinch. A little firmer, knobby knee ice cold even through his glove. Brown hair, fogged glasses. Tears and snot running down a pale face. Now he could hear the stifled crying, watch Hal chew the inside of his cheek. His other hand swiped some of those tears away, some snot. Never minding the gloves. They can be washed. Glasses were clear, David could now see Hal’s eyes. Wide and darting. What was he looking for?

Hal’s hand reached, shaking, to tug David's mask down. Chewed nails catching on his facial hair as he did. Thin fingers on his cheek, sliding into his hair. Thumb running along his cheekbone.

“Hal, are you okay?” As if a spell was broken the sobbing came, loud and heartbreaking, as Hal hugged David tightly. Returning the embrace, wrapping his arms around Hal and holding him tight. Tears smeared along their cheeks, his hair pulled when Hal gripped at the back of his head. Cold skin pressing against his neck. Through the crying he could make out a few things. How he heard the snow crunch, Dizzy growling. Desperate to protect the dogs. Afraid of dying without telling David how he felt.  _ 'I'm in love with you.' _

“Hal, breathe. With me.” Inhale, Exhale. Inhale, Exhale. Inhale, Exhale.

“Thanks Snake, I was… I was so scared and you-” Never mind that. David kissed him, deeply, desperately. All the fear he had been holding onto bled away in an instant, Hal was safe. Hal was in love with him.

“Hal, I love you.” Whispered. Sharing breath. Another kiss, another. And another. Ace yelled, annoyed. The dogs could wait, just a little while longer. Hal couldn’t. But reality finally made itself known, things he had not given thought to coming into focus. Urine. Blood. Whining. Barking. If only he could stay in that moment for just a little longer…

“Gonna pick you up. Don’t squirm.” An arm under Hal’s knees and one at his back, keeping that thin face against his neck. So light. Thank goodness he hadn’t squirmed, David might have crushed him if he held him tighter. Across the threshold. Newly… Something or other. Not ready for that kind of commitment. Neither of them were. Too new to each other. In the future maybe.

Too much.

Breathe.

David set Hal down in the bathroom on the edge of the tub, kneeling in front of him to start removing his coat. His mind should be on Hal, it always was of late, but instead he was thinking about basic training. Bullies and thugs crammed into small barracks. David’s head was buried in a novel or training book while someone shared a tale about beating some kid in school.  _ ‘Fucking wet himself like a baby!’ _ Everyone laughed. David broke that recruit’s arm in hand-to-hand training. The bully wet himself when David’s boot pressed against his knee, threatening to break it. No one laughed.

Hal curling in on himself reminded him of that bully and his story. Smart kid, the type to stand out, to get under your skin. He probably spent years getting pushed around and pushed into lockers, mocked for wetting himself in fright. David pressed a kiss onto Hal’s forehead, wanting to say so much but settling for action. He was so much better with action.

Coat aside, he started in on the boots, fast lacing going slack as soon as he undid the bow. Should have offered Hal thicker socks, the thin ones he was wearing probably weren’t warm enough. Too late now. Hal would not be going back outside without an escort, not after today. Might have to put his plans for the Iditarod on hold. That was fine. Hal was more important than a race.

“Snake…” David looked up from the floor, from the little character on Hal’s socks. “Did you mean it, when you said you loved me?”

“Yeah.”

“I love you too. Although, I have to admit, I was hoping our confessions would have less… this.”

“Less blood and urine?”

“You must be pretty disgusted with me right now. I mean look at me! Snot and tears, and I even wet myself when that Moose started coming towards me.” A self-deprecating laugh followed and that was enough of that. David kissed him, a stolen peck on the lips and another. And another. Another for good measure.

“You’re human, it comes with the territory. Moose were scary to me the first time I came to Alaska too, but I didn’t have to face a charging one. You did exactly as I taught you, even tried to protect the dogs. I’m just glad you and them are safe. Don’t know what I would do without you or them.” Monologue met with a sigh, light but tired.

“Do you even know how awesome you are? You must have some idea?”

“No idea what you’re talking about. Gonna have to tell me.” Noses rubbing, Hal fighting a smile and a laugh. Slim fingers pushing David back but he wasn’t giving, this was playful, shy. Not scared.

“Liar, you know.”

“What I know is that I love you and everything about you. You’re smart, brave, charismatic, charming, cute. Annoying on occasion, naive sometimes. Your taste in anime is terrible.” That got him. A firm shove against David’s chest failed to move him. Hal uncurled a little, relaxing that little bit. Eyes bright with anger and laughter. Gorgeous.

“As if! You don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“You’ll have to teach me then.” Another kiss, against a gloved hand and again after the glove was removed. Both gloves tucked in his coat pocket, alongside cigarettes. “After you wash up. Gonna put the dogs away and butcher dinner.”

One more kiss, longer, deeper. Leaving them both panting softly and gripping at each other. A whispered promise of later, they could do this later. After dinner. Hal’s voice whispered a plea that he stay. No, he couldn’t. A parting kiss and David retreated, pulling the door shut behind him. Blood boiling, throat dry. Desperate. Frustrated. Dogs to put away. Calls to make. Dinner to prepare.

The pack was very upset, sulking in the snow while the pups yapped. Dizzy marking her kennel again and again to hide the smell of Hal’s urine at the corner of the fence. Time to spread more hay. After everything else. Had to move the dogs from the sled to the kennel one by one, they wouldn’t stop pulling to get at the dead moose. Eventually they were all behind the fences and the harnesses were put away. Back inside David dug up his cell phone and dialed in the local shop owner. Could get the word out about the moose and within a few hours only the blood in the snow would remain.

Hal joined him on the couch after a few minutes. Dressed in pajamas and a flannel, David’s favorite flannel. Sexy. Maybe it showed on his face because Hal was blushing, looking away shyly but sneaking glances. Hard to miss an invitation that obvious. Moving in closer, a little tug and Hal was in his lap. Chests touching and legs tangling. They kissed, and then it was more. Hal’s fingers tangling in David’s hair. Better. More. A breath. Mouths so close. Just a little taste…

They were on the same page. Tongues meeting in the middle. David got a hand around Hal’s thin hips, groping. A gasp, a moan. Hal’s lips on his jaw and moving down, sucking a mark on the underside of his chin.

“Feels good.” David had learned two things very well about Hal. Be liberal with positive reinforcement, and he was prone to single-minded focus. It seems one leads to the other. By the time David realized that he really should get started on their dinner his neck was covered in wet, red marks. Who knew Hal could be so aggressive? He had it in mind that he was going to be the aggressive one, taking the reins so to speak. Having Hal take control was good. Half way through preparing dinner he whispered as such into Hal’s ear. Stealing the chance to leave a mark just below his jaw line.

“You’re going to be doing that a lot now that we are…” Hal trailed off, cheeks turning pinker by the moment. Adorable. Too tempting. Couldn’t stop himself from nuzzling Hal’s cheek from behind the couch and wrapping him up in his arms.

“We’re dating now aren’t we? We’re boyfriends right?”

“Why does it sound so weird when you say it?!”

“Say what? ‘Boyfriends’?” Drawing the ‘o’ out. Teasing. Smiling wide.

“Stop it! You are such a dork!” A little push, some wriggling, too bad Hal wasn’t going to be able to escape David’s arms.

“Your dork.” Eventually David got back to fixing dinner, setting the large pot on the stove so the stew can cook. It would be ready in a few hours. A lot of time to kill, and he knew exactly how he wanted to do it. “So… Can we cuddle?”

“How can you ask that with a straight face?” Hal’s embarrassment was met with David’s smug grin.

“I’m not hearing ‘no’.”


	14. Chapter 14

Hal woke to a gentle kiss on the top of his head, but it was much too early to be awake. A string of sounds that might have been a complaint tumbled out of his mouth, he was trying for one. Through the haze of sleep Hal was aware of two things, David was snuggled up against his back as tightly as possible and a part of him was very much awake. Like ice water being dumped over his head, Hal was fully awake in an instant, mind racing with the previous day’s events and plans of escape. The muscled arms around him went tense and then slack.

Right.

David wasn’t like Julie. He was in control.

It took a little effort but Hal managed to wriggle his way into facing David without leaving their little cocoon of warmth. There was no seeing in the pitch black room with or without his glasses but he found David’s lips. Just a chaste little kiss, that stunk of combined morning breath and cigarettes. He reached out in the dark for a hug and was met with skin, muscles moving under his fingertips. Last night they had gone to the bedroom together, just to cuddle. He had fallen asleep a few times curled up in David’s lap as he read a book out loud, but they were fully clothed then.

Hal was still fully dressed sans flannel as it had been abandoned quickly as soon as he began to sweat from their combined body heat. When had David taken his shirt off? Had he taken anything else off? Hal bit his bottom lip in thought. Could he…? Fingers lightly ran down over ribs and firm, rounded muscle. The edge of the ’v’ that formed above the hip, thick fabric with elastic underneath. The thick fabric continued down, over a muscled thigh and all the way he could reach.

Hal let out the breath he was holding, unsure if it was out of fear or anticipation.

“I don’t sleep naked, or in my underwear, it’s too cold.” The rumble of David’s voice was more pronounced without the wetness that dogged smokers’ voices. Thick and rough with sleep instead, practically a pleased purr.

“Sorry, just not used to, you know, dating. So I didn’t think it was appropriate to ask.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Just a whisper in his ear caused goosebumps to appear on his arms. Fingers drummed along his spine, moving down each vertebrae to the curve of his lower back. Palm flattened and with a little pull their hips met. Oh. Wow. Okay. Things were moving kind of fast all of a sudden. He had thought about it but never in detail, and never for more than a fleeting moment. Only once did he touch himself to the idea of ‘Snake the soldier with a heart of gold’; David Forrester was better than the idea ever was.

“Is this okay?” Another whisper. David’s heart beating so hard and steady where they touched. Hal had to swallow to respond and even then his voice was weak, throat dry.

“I don’t know. I- I want this- you, but I don’t deserve it. Just by being an Emmerich I am cursed to ruin every good thing that has happened to me. If- If I get what I want, if we- I don’t want to lose you Snake. You’re my best friend, my only friend, and I don’t want to-.” Hal decided that David had a bad habit of shutting people up when he wanted to interject, and even though he did it with a kiss that did not stop it from being a bad habit. Worse still it was always when he couldn’t escape, the only option was to wait for the chance to breathe. David kissed his chin before nuzzling his hair and ear.

“You won’t. Just, tell me what you need, what you want.” That was definitely flirting, no one whispered that softly and that low just because they could. It was working too, goosebumps rising over his arms and legs in arousal.

“Can you- keep doing what you were doing?” His answer was another kiss and fingers in his hair, carefully leading him in the kiss. The palm against his back slid lower, over his bottom and onto the back of his thigh, pulling so that his leg was hooked around David’s hip. Oh, wow. He could feel every single muscle that went to the rocking motion of David’s hip. Not the only thing he could feel but his brain had short circuited. There was only the slow and effortless movement of David’s body against him.

So quiet and hot, like teenagers trying to hide from parents during a study session, wrapped tight in the blankets in their own world. Soft panting, with stolen kisses and moving against each other, David doing all the work because he was strong and eager and… They rolled, Hal’s hips pressing down into David’s and it was better, so much better. All Hal could do was grunt and sigh quietly into David’s neck, lost to the feeling of flexing thighs and hip thrusts. David’s little moans and gasps, the way he arched his back into Hal’s hands when they touched his bare chest. So sensitive and responsive. There was a whisper, David’s voice rough and breathless. Hal had to lean it, pressing his chin to David’s shoulder in the dark to hear it.

“Hal, you’re my first. Never been with anyone before. Feels good, so good.” First? Oh. Wow. Hal greedily accepted this gift and gave into pleasure, huffing out his peak. Against his expectations David moaned loudly when he reached his, shivering and thrusting up desperately. Sweat and musk filled the moist air around them. So hot, except for where there was an opening in the blankets by their heads. That happened. It felt amazing. He had been David’s first…

“Wait, Snake, are you actually a virgin?”

“Yes. Never made time, never wanted it from anyone enough.”

“Not even Meryl?”

“She is sex repulsed, didn’t like touching either.”

“It must have been hard for you…”

“Not as much as you think, until you I just went without.”

“All that time without, that sounds so much worse.” It really did, casual touches were certainly rare in his family until Julie and Emma came along. Emma liked to be held like the little girl she was, and always wanted little cheek kisses. Julie… She was subtle around the rest of the family, touching his shoulders, arms, and back. Kissing his cheek or forehead until they were behind closed doors. No matter how often Hal had fallen in love, his partners treated him casually. Touching freely and then tossing him aside…

How could he think about others when in bed with his boyfriend? Because it was easy to think back to all the other times love had ruined him, or someone else. Love wasn’t some magic that would suddenly undo all of that pain and self loathing. It was the curse of the Emmerich’s after all, to make weapons of war and hurt those you might love. He had certainly done his fair share of both…

“Help me make up for lost time?” Another kiss, and a hand at the back of his leg sliding up to grope his butt. It would be sexy except the sweat had dried on his skin and his underwear was sticking to him in a very unsexy way. He felt filthy and wanted nothing more than to shower, but that meant leaving the warm blanket cocoon.

“There is a lot of time to make up for isn’t there?”

“I’m not hearing ‘no’.”

“I’m not saying ‘no’ either, just don’t want to let you down.” Another kiss; David was extra clingy in the morning and that was saying something. Kind of like the dogs that he was so fond of, all hugs, cuddles, and kisses; that meant no matter how much affection Hal laid on him, David would never be satisfied.

“Don’t worry about later, what about now?” A gentle shove.

“Now I need a shower and clean clothes. I’m sticky.” Cold rushed in and left him shivering against Snake’s chest, the blanket folded over his one leg. The arm around his back held him close as they rolled, hardly an inch of bed left behind him as David reached for the lamp. Two loud clicks and the room was filled with light and Hal got an eye full. He had seen it before but that still didn’t prepare him, so many dark marks across a bare neck and flushed skin along his chest. Completely smooth, naturally. Flannel pants sat so much lower than his worn jeans, a peak of dark hair…

Oh.

He had been staring too long and had to look away, so quickly that his neck was left aching and he was left slightly dizzy. David had noticed, he always noticed, such an attentive man and lover. He was woefully undeserving of David’s love. Was a single person alive deserving of those blue eyes staring at them so lovingly? Hal could feel his cheeks straining, fighting the wide smile that was breaking out onto his face. Soon they were both smiling like dopes, foreheads pressed together out of affection.

“See something you like?” Smug was a good look on David, but Hal gave him a weak shove all the same, trying to knock that crooked smirk straight.

“All those lines I’m tempted to think that you like Romance as much as Sci-Fi.”

“Never read one, you?”

“Only once but I’ve watched too many ‘romance’ anime where cheesy lines like that are all too common.”

“Show me some time? I need more cheesy lines.”

“Never.” When Hal pushed this time he was freed, nearly falling off the bed and to the floor. Catching himself by grabbing onto David’s arm. Muscles hard under his fingers, warm too. Okay, he was sticky, and smelly, no more playing around. It was time for a shower. He made for his bag in the corner of the room, a pile of dirty clothes dirtying the otherwise clean room. David had straightened up yesterday, leaving out another set of warm clothing that hugged him tighter than he liked. Meryl must have been thinner, shorter, because even in men’s clothing they were a bit tight.

Not that the size mattered when they were clean. After his shower he was clean and warm, a cup of coffee pressed into his hand by a still shirtless David. Getting a kiss when he burnt his lip, David could have warned him that it was too hot to drink. Then again, David did always drink his coffee right away. Probably didn’t know how hot it was for engineers that barely got sunlight or hot food.

“Water’s on the stove, instant’s on the counter. I’ll be quick. Thought I’d take you out on the sled today.”

“You mean teaching me to steer? Do you have another sled so we can go out together?”

“No, can sit you on the sled. Take in the sights while I steer. Team needs to pull with extra weight anyway.” A tentative sip of coffee, still too hot to drink fully; David’s eyes lingering on Hal’s lip even as he finished off his coffee. No flask or bottle sitting out. No alcohol in the coffee today.

“What about Dizzy? Can she run? Will she be safe if you leave her behind.”

“She’ll be fine for a few hours, sleeps the entire time. Wanna go?” So earnest and open. It would be cruel to reject such an offer since it was a gift, a little bit of David that he wanted to share. Of course he smiled and accepted. A kiss stolen from him before David headed off to bathe; from behind the flannel pants were too big, only the curve of his glutes holding them up. Oh. He had never thought about it before but David’s body was sexy. So sexy. Up until now Hal hadn’t cared much about physical appearances, sure he appreciated beauties but it wasn’t something to worry about. He could be physically intimate with anyone, so why would he care? But David…

David was so sexy he had to catch his breath and tug on his sweater collar. Some romantic tropes had a basis in reality, never would have guessed. Even cooling off on the couch didn’t help because now that he cared, it was impossible to stop seeing it. Flannel pulled taut over muscled arms. Sharp jaw, pink from the razor. Wavy hair untamed and ruffled. The slight slant of his eyes; didn’t he say that his biological mother was Japanese? Was it hot in here? Humid? Did he leave the shower on? No, no that would have been silly. He had been living like this for years, he wouldn’t just forget. Then it was him, he was getting flustered.

Silently, David stepped into Hal’s personal space. Must have been second nature to move that quietly. A hand holding Hal’s hip and the other running along his ungroomed facial hair. Too intimidated by the straight razor to clean up. So old fashioned. It was for the best, the modern world was not for men like him. David needed clean snow and crackling fires. Needed privacy.

Hal was not suited to this life. Feeling cold even indoors, clumsy without asphalt under foot. Jeans and sneakers worn in long, empty hallways and walking to corner stores during grey drizzles. As soon as he went home, with hundreds of miles between them, David would realize it. This short time dating would be forgotten, they could go back to being friends.

Their noses bumped. Lips touching. Minty.

“Talk to me?”

“Long distance relationships never work out, even in anime. Thinking about the future is all.”

“Worry about the future later. For now, cuddle?”  _ Yes. Always. _ As long as he was wanted.


	15. Chapter 15

“Good to see you David, and I take it this is Hal?” Cold. Too cold. Forced air system was clogged. Smelling of dust, pollution. Shouldn’t have brought Hal along. Therapy was something he wasn’t proud of but it was a part of his life. Hal was part of his life.

“Yeah. Hal, Dr. Carpenter.” Relax. His grip was too tight on Hal’s hand. He wasn’t going to leave. Not because of this. Cold fingers ran over his knuckles, a soothing touch. Eyes meet, and David could breathe without counting. Residual anxiety from spending the night in the hotel, sleeping tucked up with a body at his back. Picked a new room, something different. Only have one smoke this morning, then breakfast. Coffee left unspiked. Hal nearly falling asleep in his cereal. Too tired to hide in the bathroom while they got dressed. His chest hair was soft.

“Why don’t you both come in? I will assume that you are both okay sitting next to each other on the couch?” Holding hands, making sure that Hal was comfortable before sitting down. Thighs touching, closer than he should probably be in front of someone else.

“David has told me a lot about you. Although he left out until our last session that you were a Doctor.”

“Well, I hadn’t told him until then, actually. I am proud of my doctorate but I didn’t want it to cause a wedge between us. Most people treat you differently when they know. Not that Sn- that Dave would. He isn’t most people.” Hal sounded as nervous as David felt. Grip tightening. Too tight. Relax.

“Still Otacon to me.” Voice gentle, rumbling. A ghost of a smile on both of their faces. Spending time apart was getting better. Secret smiles, casual touches. Having someone to hold while reading a new novel. Cuddling while watching a movie. Arguing over which is better, stealing breath with a kiss when passions were too high. They had only spent the day together, holed up in the room, and he wanted nothing more than to have that everyday.

“Being a geek is more accurate anyway, I may be a talented programmer but earning my engineering doctorate was because I wanted to build robots just like the ones I saw in anime. My teachers were impressed but thought it was pretty childish. I was still a child I guess, being the youngest in the program for years.” The Doctor laced his fingers, pensive. Eyes trained on Hal. Following his hand movements. Lingering on his face. Throat tight. Jaw clenched. Trigger finger twitching.

“That must have been very stressful for you, being so young.”

“It wasn’t so bad, the worst part was trying to explain why I had a GED instead of a diploma. Quite a few of my teachers, and classmates didn’t like that. No one really wanted to work with me, but I work better alone.” A quick glance, David meeting it. Defensive posture, leaning away under tension. Feet firmly planted. Ready to run. Have to protect the asset.

“Not to be presumptuous, but I think it was less that you work better alone and more that you prefer it that way. I see in your story very similar behaviors and mentalities that I've seen in David. While David’s came from PTSD and an underlying anxiety, I believe that your’s may be coming from depression.”

“Stop. Nothing is wrong with Otacon.”

“I didn’t say anything was-”

“You want to fix him.”

“Snake it’s o-”

“There is nothing to fix! He’s not broken”

“David, stop. We have had this conversation before about our assumptions and goals here. You are pushing your insecurities onto Hal, and deliberately misinterpreting my intentions. I am intervening to help your relationship because the last thing I want is to see it fail. I have seen an amazing transformation from you because of Hal, however I have noticed that it is reinforcing certain unhealthy behaviors in you.”

“Just now, this exchange, you became viciously defensive. Your body language was aggressive, your anger beyond your control. Take a look at your hands, do you see what happend?” A trick. Just trying to get him to look away. Hal’s hand in his… David did look, his knuckles bone white and Hal’s fingers turning purple. Flushed where their skin met. It took everything to loosen his grip, finally letting go. There would be bruises. Dark and thick. Hal met his eyes, relief.

Fuck.

“It’s okay, Snake, Dr. Carpenter is just trying to help. You’ve known him longer than me, you can trust him, right?”

“Nothing’s wrong with you Otacon. We’re fine.”

“We aren’t though.”

“David, please let me help you both. Again, I am happy to see your transformation because of your relationship with Hal but at the moment you are both at risk ruining what you have. I know for a fact that David does not rely on anyone else in his life, I suspect the same of you Hal.”

“You wouldn’t be wrong, Doctor Carpenter, but I-”

“I’m going to have you stop right there, unfortunately we have little time. I am going to be asking you questions and I’ll just need ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answers. Do you think you can handle that?”

“Yes, of course. They’re just questions.”

“David, I’ll need you to practice your breathing while I ask them. Can you do that for me David?”

“I don’t-”

“Snake, it’s okay. I can do this. We can do this.”

“Still don’t like it.”

“David, you are allowed to feel that way, but we all have to do things that make us uncomfortable from time to time. All our sessions have been leading up to you using those techniques to handle these kinds of situations.” Fuck the situation, he hated it. Would rather dig deeper into the wilderness, take Hal with him. 

Just the two of them, quiet and alone for the rest of their days. Hal would build muscle and he would learn electronics, they would sled together with a team of dogs until they were all too old. Graves with carved stones and wild flowers. Their lives would end wrapped up together and frozen in the snow. Not rotting in hospital beds, Leaving life on  _ his _ terms. A future together. Not apart. Falling farther and farther from what he was trained to think. Farther from Foxhound, from Miller, from Big Boss…

“Snake, breathe.” Breathe. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale.

“Good work David. Now, Hal…” Time passed. Blood pounding, the roar of air in and out of his chest. Words barely heard, half caught. Solid Snake, the soldier, clawed at his mind. Issuing orders but David persisted. Anxiety, worry. Misunderstanding. Dr. Carpenter smiles, a thin hand laces its fingers with his. Hal is okay, seemingly. Conflicted emotion hardens his thin cheeks but softens his eyes. There is longing and sadness there, but his lips are smiling. Complicated.

“Snake, I’m here for you.” His voice cuts through the white noise. He exhales and his body feels light. Relaxed.

“Sorry.” Apologizing for more than just his anxiety attack. Something had shifted.

“David, I want you to keep this in mind moving forward okay? In my professional opinion, it is very likely that Hal has depression. Obviously, I would need more sessions with him to really  _ know _ and the severity therein. I want you both to talk, really talk, to each other. Anything and everything, making clear your boundaries.”

“I also want to be frank with you both. Codependency will do neither of you a favor, you will both think you are doing your best for the other; enabling each other to be happy. You’ll mean well enough. I will be working with you, David, closely to curb some of his more… ingrained training. I will be relying on you to help Hal, if he does not seek out medical intervention. Like your anxiety there is no cure, only management.”

“I want you both happy and healthy, as a professional and as an acquaintance.”

“I don’t-”

“Whatever it takes.” Hal’s voice was strained, a breath away from shaking itself apart. Nothing more to say, he wouldn’t even try. Not when he was reaching out to pull Hal close, pressing a kiss to his forehead. To soothe. Or was it to ground himself? His muscles were trembling. Edge of his vision shimmering. “What can I do? How can I help you?”

The words escaped before David could clamp his mouth shut.

“Come live with me.” Silence. Just a moment, then Hal was huffing out a breath. Breathing in sharply.

“You don’t want that, I am the worst roommate.”

“I want it. Just, for a little while. If you don’t- If you decide to leave, I wouldn’t stop you.” David meant it, he wouldn’t tie down Hal. Free to leave whenever he felt it best to. The soldier would survive and go on, as he always had. As he was trained to.

“How long?”

“Not long, a few months. The Iditarod, I was hoping you would watch the oldest while I raced.”

“I- Snake I can’t.”

“You can.” Words stressed. He could, he can. If Hal wanted it then he could have it. Can have it. Not some greenhorn fumbling with his first knife, a sharp wit and fast fingers made him as vicious as any soldier. So capable with a heart that had the capacity to love even after Julie hurt him. After being isolated for so long. David was still speaking into Hal’s hair, knowing that they were not doing this in private. It was okay. They had nothing to hide.

“You won’t want me anymore, you’ll want me gone before the race.”

“Never.”

“Dave…”

“I love you Hal. Come live with me.”

“Okay- Okay. After my lease is up at my apartment, at the end of the month, but remember that this was your idea. I have a list of demands that you are not going to like.” There it was, that smile that made his stomach do funny things. That tells him that everything is going to be alright.

“Whatever it takes.”

“I hate when you do that, repeat my words back at me.”

“You love it.” David’s voice a low rumble. He felt better. Safe. Happy again.

“I do.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I would like to start off by apologizing for the lack of updates on this story; and send as many well wishes as possible to those of you social distancing and/or have family or friends who have been stricken by Covid-19. Things are pretty scary right now but as long as we are doing our part, things will improve. We will not be able to bring back those who have lost their lives, but we can honor them by protecting others and ourselves.
> 
> I hope my small offering of writing can comfort you. Please, enjoy. And stay safe.)

Moving in with David had been a challenge. Hal tried his best of course, to not ask for more than the essentials, but those essentials included things that David hated. Dedicated internet for starters, setting up a private network that may or may not have been entirely legal. Allowing Hal neary unlimited, unthrottled access to the world wide web. They had argued over the phone, while playing Minecraft. David accused him of acting like a child and Hal had nothing to say in return. Well, other than taking his modded in dog sled in the game and leaving David to his own project. Hanging up the phone and setting it to silent, turning it upside down just so he could wallow in his own misery.

It wasn’t childish. Everything that Hal did to support himself, to support David moving forward, was done at his computer and over the internet. He didn’t want to be mad at him but his fears… He had proved months ago that if someone was looking for him, they would have found him already. Besides, now he had Hal, who was good, really good at hiding his location. If David did not want to be found then Hal could make that happen. So maybe…

Hal called back after a few hours, catching David as he was finishing up a cigarette. He could hear it in his voice, the roughness that settled in his bones. He tried to apologize but David beat him to it. Explaining that he was wrong, that he had lived like this for so long, forgetting that most of the world had moved on, moved forward. Admitting with a quiet voice that he forgot that Hal worked with computers. Just like that their emotional spat was over, they were back to light hearted barbs and the more serious discussions of their cohabitation. Reuniting in the game with all their tamed and named dogs.

Eventually the day came and they made the long drive from his place in Washington to Alaska. It took three days. Three days of sharing an old truck with a man who didn’t think it necessary to book a single hotel room on the way. Not that curling up together on the bench seat wasn’t nice, it certainly satisfied some instinctive desire for physical intimacy. There were no nightmares like this, Hal laying across David with their chests touching. His cold nose buried in a warm shoulder that smelled like dog fur and cigarettes. But it had been three days! By the time they made their way into town he was ready to wander off into the wilderness to get away from the smell coming off his boyfriend. Not that he would actually escape it. It had seemingly sunk into his pores completely, with every breath he could practically taste David’s skin.

Domestic. Intimate in a way that Hal was honestly terrified of. David had never really put on a mask for Hal but this, sharing body odors and both sipping on cheap, burnt coffee just outside Anchorage? This was raw and exposed. David did not guard his expressions as much as he had before, blue eyes narrowed against the rising sun, a hand raised to shade his face. He was annoyed and snippy, a finger tapping impatiently against the steering wheel. Lips turned down in a scowl, rough stubble giving him a more wild look.

“Snake, are you really okay with me living with you?” David sighed at the question, weary from having to answer for the hundredth or so time.

“I haven’t changed my mind since the last time you asked me.” That was that and Hal fell silent, fumbling with his phone until they pulled up into David’s garage. Around back there was a new addition to his, their, home. An addition that extended the living room, moving the only door farther into the yard. While his doctorate had been in mechanical engineering it was not lost on him how square the corners were or the perfect angle of the roof that blended seamlessly with the existing structure. David’s hand came down heavily on his shoulder, jostling him from slack jaw staring. The dog pack sang, whining impatiently, and jumping against the kennel fence.

“Did you-?”

“Started it after you said ‘yes’, finished it two weeks ago. Needed the extra room for all your equipment and things. Finally moved some of things out of my room that probably shouldn’t have been in there.” David had made room for Hal, bent to his demands as asked.

“You made room for me. You didn’t have to do that.”

“I had to. You’d want to leave if I didn’t.” That sounded so bitter at the time, but after two months watching David disappear from the backyard on his sled to train? Hal had to admit that it was a comfort to have the space to breathe. Sweat, snow, and dog fur was not exactly a desirable smell. If the cabin hadn’t been made bigger than Hal likely would have snapped, tossing a bucket of hot water on David when he came back inside.

In those two months they bickered, as people did when they lived in such close quarters. Hal missed the city, missed being able to order some fast, fried food to his door in the middle of the night while he worked on some new project. David missed being able to go camping without his radio crackling away when there was threat of a small snowfall on the horizon. They both missed their isolation, to an extent. Hal in particular would bristle with irritation when David wandered into the room in the wee hours of the morning, fresh from the shower with a toothbrush in his mouth, and a towel around his waist. Refusing to acknowledge his boyfriend even as a gentle kiss was pressed to his hair.

It was unfair but when David finished packing for the Iditarod, Hal was happy to see him go.

“Try not to spoil them too much, last thing I need is them getting lazy.”

“I know Snake.”

“Remember my radio frequency?”

“ 141.80. I promise not to bother you too much, they said in the weather report that there might be a harsh blizzard during the first leg.”

“I know Otacon. See you in a week.” They shared a kiss, quick and chaste. Nothing special. Hal had barely turned away from his computer, pointedly keeping his toes tucked under the table, pressed against the warm metal case of his desktop. David’s hand lingered on his shoulder, just the tips of his fingers. That had Hal turning his head, catching the look in his boyfriend’s eyes. They had come to read each other like open books. A feat neither thought possible until David had woken screaming from a nightmare, gripping Hal so tightly in his arms that dark blue bands appeared the next day. That look, the pain in those eyes. Hal saw something similar now and knew his own eyes were filled with questions.

“I’ll be there when you cross the finish line.” Those were the right words because David’s eye almost sparkled with delight. The next kiss was passionate and full of thanks, Hal wanted to follow him out the door but he was left in his chair. Lips tingling with want.

Maybe that was what had been putting them on edge since Hal moved in. The lack of physical intimacy. Sure they cuddled and David was always, always touching Hal. Honestly it had been such a relief to have the time alone but it was unsettling, lonely without a warm body nearby. Not just any warm body either, the hard muscles of David’s arms and the jut of his hip. A firm jaw against his neck at night. A firm thigh that was thicker around than his own. Had he always been this wanting? Or was it just David’s… Everything? What a revelation to have when your boyfriend had just left.

Hal sighed heavily and let himself go completely boneless in his chair. He had been a bad boyfriend, complacent when he should have been trying even harder. David did everything for him, and all Hal had been was moody and judgemental. He was just the worst. David needed someone who was better. Someone that would help cook in the evenings, and could wash their own laundry in the tub instead of begging to go into town to the laundromat. Someone that didn’t immediately change their clothes after playing with the dogs in the yard, or made David smoke outside instead of on the couch.

The radio crackled softly, David’s voice almost buried under the white noise of static. Hal grabbed the headset and tuned in the frequency properly, remembering to extend the antenna to get a clearer signal.

“I can feel you worrying about something Otacon. Stop it. Over.” Damn.

“‘Feel’? That doesn’t sound like you, Snake. Over.”

“Call it ‘intuition’ then. You didn’t deny it. Talk to me. Over.”

“You could have called my phone instead of wasting your radio battery. Over.”

“Dodging the question. Over.”

“I was thinking that I haven’t exactly been the best boyfriend to you, that maybe… Over.” His voice was much too soft, completely wrapped up in his own head. So focused on his own failures that David’s laugh caught him off guard. It wasn’t funny, it was heartbreaking!

“You’re wrapped up in your own head, worrying yourself stupid. I like taking care of you. I love you, even if you can’t leave well enough alone. Over.”

“I love you too Snake. I’m sorry- Sorry for being so...”

“Nothing to be sorry for, just use your little tracker and remember to meet me at the finish line. Over and Out.” David would notice that he slipped a GPS receiver into his gear when he went off to buy more cigarettes. They spent so much time together as civilians, it was easy to forget David had special operations training. But David hadn’t ditched it, so it was fine right? That he was keeping an eye on him during the race? It must be.

A few hours later David’s signal reached Anchorage. Hesitantly he tuned the radio to the race broadcast, listening to all the singing dogs in the background. There were so many, his ears could not discern his own dogs from the rest. There must have been hundreds of dogs. It would be quite a sight. Over the broadcasters he heard it, David calling to the pack to keep them from running off. They were so well trained normally, it must be overwhelming for them. It would have been for Hal too. His hands twitched across his keyboard, wanting to grab his phone and call David. So certain that he was slowly letting Solid Snake take over, shoulders tense and face hard, eyes steely.

“Now there is a competitor I haven’t seen in years! Mr. David Forrester! May we have a word with you?” Oh! Hal, adjusted the volume, a little louder, to hear him better.

“Mr. Forrester, it has been three years since we’ve seen you and your pack. We can’t help but notice that your team leader is different.”

“Had to put him down last year, got sick. Couldn’t bear to see him suffering, his packmates aren’t here today either.”

“We’re sorry to hear that Mr. Forrester! It must have been a hard decision.”

“It was. Wouldn’t be here with a full team if it wasn’t for my therapist and my boyfriend.” Oh no! Hal buried his face in his hands, blushing furiously from the tips of his ears down to his chest. The Iditarod might be a niche sport but he knew what happened when the internet got a hold of something like this. Maybe it was pride, or fear, that welled inside his gut knowing that pictures of his very attractive boyfriend was going to end up online.

“Boyfriend? We will have to thank him for helping you get back to racing. Your fans have been missing you, every year we get questions.”

“Fans?”

“Of course! Did you forget what happened three years ago?”

“I have.”

“You sacrificed your position and an entire day of racing to locate a dog that had broken free of their harness. Even our referees couldn’t find her but you did, brought her to Nikolai on your sled.”

“Didn’t think much of it at the time…”

“They wanted to create an award in your honor! In fact they included a harness and lead check at the end of every leg to make sure no other dogs will get loose. You have left your mark on the Iditarod. Thank you for your time Mr. Forrester, best of luck during the race this year. Hoping to see you finish in the top five this year.”

“Thanks.” That was that, it seemed. Hal couldn’t stop smiling! When they had talked about it before, David had been adamant that his poor time was due to his relationship with Meryl. Who knew that David was actually a hero? Apparently everyone who had been following the Iditarod three years ago. Quickly he tuned to the correct frequency, calling out to David. Within a second he heard him reply.

“Snake here. Over.”

“You are a hero! With a fan base! Over.”

“I completely forgot about that. Really honestly thought nothing of it. Saw the tracks and heard the call over the radio, put two and two together. Thought it only took me a few hours. She fell down the mountainside, broke a leg. Over.”

“Dave! I love you so much right now! You’re a hero! Over.”

“Saving you from the moose didn’t make me a hero? Over.”

“You didn’t sacrifice anything to save me. Over.” The silence dragged on for a moment, then he could hear the click of the radio line opening, the panting of the dogs. David’s deep inhale.

“It wasn’t a sacrifice. Tactically, I wasn’t going to let a soldier die because I was selfish. She wasn’t some dog, she was a soldier who had made a mistake, might have died from it. If you can help, you do. Her owner was selfish. Kept going, accepted the loss. Reported them for animal cruelty. Wanted to adopt them, couldn’t.”

“Do you know what happened to them? Over.”

“No. Gotta get the team ready for the ceremonial start. I love you. Over and Out.”

“I love you.” He knew David wasn’t expecting him to say it back but he wanted to, because he didn’t say it just to say it. It was to put him at ease. Over the radio Hal could hear the protestors, calling them abusers and murderers for racing. They were wrong. Maybe it was just Hal projecting his own feelings onto David but he would want someone who he loved to tell him that he wasn’t any of those things.

Hours later, after the ceremonial start Hal was curled up on their bed listening to the race broadcast. His laptop sitting open on David’s side of the bed, the GPS tracker moving steadily along the trail. Even speed, only stopping at the checkpoints. Not that he had feelings about it at the moment, he was completely numb. Being alone was not a comfort. Knowing that David wasn’t going to be sitting on the couch with a novel in hand and a dog on his lap, it almost hurt. It was cold.

Hal was so tired. Just a nap, a little one. Before the storm hit.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (So... How have you been? I know it has been a long time since I posted... I hope you are all still well. I hope this chapter brings you happiness. And that you can forgive me for being gone for so long.)

At the restart, the blizzard caught up with them. Completely enveloping the world in howling wind and thick snow. There were talks over the last twenty-four hours about cancelling the race but David knew they wouldn’t. The whole point of the race was to honor the original run, which was completed in white-out conditions. So they did start, in the snow and wind where he could only hear the dogs and the radio crackling in his ear. Living in the moment. Calling out commands to the dogs, tapping the brake as he saw the marker barely a foot ahead of the lead.

Onos was doing well for her first proper race, leaning into the turns. Not as good as Dizzy would have, but Onos had the mind for it. For leading the pack. Must have been smelling the other dogs ahead of them, if there were any. In these conditions he was only aware of another racer when they passed them. He had started, twelfth back? They had passed five teams, at least. After the last checkpoint he had lost track. More concerned with tucking Blacky into the sled since he had been slowing the team down. Vet said he had stepped on a rock in the snow, hurt his paw but not too badly. Needed to heal, needed him for the last leg. He knew the path, could lead from his place as a swing dog. Not the right temperament for lead but a perfect assistant.

Hours passed. Snow and wind, no longer a comfort. Loneliness nipped at the back of his mind. Not like last time he raced. It was a comfort before, getting away from his stuffy cabin and Meryl, with her disapproving stare and comments. This time, this time Hal had rushed him out the door but eagerly listened in. Supportive. Eagerly calling him a hero… Not like Meryl did. Never like Meryl. David focused on the memory of lips against his, the smell of Hal’s neck in the morning. Sweat and their shampoo. Different soap, something nicer than the cheap bar that he buys in bulk. Long hair tickling his nose at dawn when he wakes up.

Jostling, Onos led the team to the right and David was unprepared. Hunching low to keep from getting tipped off the back. Shit. Thinking about home, miles away from where he should be. Stay with the dogs. Hal, just a radio call away. Could just…

David tightened his hands on the sled. It was so different this time. Despite loving everything about this race, about mushing. Camping. Snow and crisp air that froze to his eyelashes. Everything that kept him living in Alaska even after everything had gone to shit, when the memories kept him awake for days. When he’d rather sleep outside than even think about sleeping in a dead man’s bed. This time, this time he wanted to be home. The cabin wasn’t where Miller had lived, where Meryl had hounded him to be the soldier, not the man. It was home. Home, where Hal laid his head on David’s pillow, having snuggled closer in the night against the chill. Home, where spoiled dogs that get to spend the night inside while Hal stirs soup on the stove. Humming some silly song from an anime.

Shit. He wanted to hear Hal’s voice. Just a few words. Even in the middle of the night Hal was often awake, typing at his computer. Next checkpoint, he could radio in at the next checkpoint. Only a few hours to go until then. Just, follow the markers, listen to the dogs.

A wolf howled in the dark, far away. Blacky raised his head, turning towards the sound. “L' allure!” Look, keep pace on the trail. The wolves in this region had been driven off, just far enough that they shouldn’t cause concern. Easily undone in a few days. Everyone was armed just in case, David doubly so with a heavy pistol and his rifle. Better safe than sorry with moose nearby. No one was going to lose a dog if he could help it. If.

At the checkpoint they confirmed his position, sixth. A personal best for the first day. Plenty of buffer time for a break, just an hour. Make something warm for the dogs to eat. Listen to Hal without having to worry about staying on the trail. Camping stove warming some cereal and meat, the sled anchored. Some wrestling that he had to break up, the rigging could get tangled around their legs. Just, radio to him, it was easy. Finger shaking, he finally pressed the button down, white noise of static fading.

“Come in Otacon. Over.” Radio silence. White noise. Something heavy settling in his gut. It was anxiety, he knew it was. Coiling, tight, heavy. Hal was safe at the cabin, Hal had been happy until now. Sure they argued from time to time but nothing serious. Little things. Toothbrushes left in the sink. What to have or dinner. Whether the dogs were allowed to have leftovers because ‘dammit Snake you never flavor anything! How can you eat the same meat, day in and day out, without doing something to it?!’ Lips cracked as he smiled. That was a stupid arguement, and it ended when Daid crowded Hal against the counter, kissing the breath from his lungs.

Hal didn’t like that, took issue with David kissing him when he puffed up his chest or tried to make himself smaller. He couldn’t help himself. All puffed up he was so cute, and nothing drew his happy little hacker out like a deep kiss. Fingers curled around nothing, wanting to feel that thick hair between his fingers. Thin wrist bones as he pulled Hal to bed. Heel of his palm pressed between sharp shoulder blades to soothe stiff muscles.

Home was calling. He could bow out now, pack up with the dogs. Wasn’t going to place first.

“Hmm. Snake? Wha- What’s wrong, did something happen?” Soft, quiet, rough with sleep. The radio had been set up in the living room so Hal must have fallen asleep at his chair or on the couch. Wasn’t good for his back. The dogs were probably there too. Dizzy would have been on his lap if he was on the couch, Carmen curled under his desk if he was in the chair. He could see it so easily. It was so easy. David’s heart relaxed, feeling lighter all over.

“I missed you. Taking a break, feeding the dogs. Over.”

“I miss you too Snake. I thought that maybe, I would like being alone for a little while, like how things were before, but I don’t. It’s too big without you here, and it’s so cold when I wake up. Over.” Silence, comfortable. Sharing the moment. David could feel it, hundreds of miles away he could feel Hal breathing a sigh of relief. Raven had once spoken about the abilities he wielded as a shaman. Of the powers others could wield should they only open themselves to it. Movement of the soul, allowing the stars and moon to let it travel and heal. Words of a mad man. Until tonight, with the stars clear and moon bright as the clouds parted. Just a sliver. David felt like he was at home, holding Hal to his chest. He was there in spirit until the clouds moved, wind sneaking past his fur lined hood. A chill setting in.

“Would rather come home right now than finish the race. Over.”

“Snake, no. You were looking forward to this so much! And you’re doing so well, they said you’re in the top ten after one day! I’m so proud of you. Over.”

“I’ll finish the race, ASAP. Over and Out.” David made sure that each dog got an equal portion of dinner before shovelling the leftovers in his own mouth. Too much fat. The dogs would work it off quickly enough. The rest of the portions in his kit had less fat in them, he was sure. Lean leftovers from a deer he had brought back not a week ago. Packed and ready, he checked the rigging. Happy with the strength of the lines. With a quick command and quicker feet he pulled the anchor free, they were off. Even faster than before. Snowfall coming to a stop, the trail laid out clearly before him in the pale moon light.

A desire filled him. One he had not felt since he was a teenager running wild, feral across snowy mountain tops during survival training. His gloved hand yanked his muffler down, lungs filling with freezing air. Crisp, sharp. Clean. David let out a loud howl, turning his head skyward so it echoed through the valley. The pack joined him in song.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (So before you get excited, this is not a new chapter. I had noticed that the back and forth POV was off when I was counting chapters. Somewhere along the way in editing the story I manged to delete a chapter. So we are at 18 instead of 17 chapters! If you are re-reading the story and missed a chapter I am so sorry! If this is your first time through, thank you so much for reading through my story. And those of you that have been reading for a while, thank you again!)

Hal covered his ears from the loud cheers that rose around him, Dizzy howled low and mournfully at his side. He understood her completely, if his ears were ringing from the sudden noise then for her it must have been so much worse. First place had been claimed, and everyone was rushing over to shake his hand and greet his dogs. From his place near the back of the crowd he could hear the broadcasters congratulating him on his win, ‘another first place finish.’ Not that he cared about that. No, he cared about David, who had spent the last two days firmly in the top ten and was steadily making his way into the top five this morning.

Hal had been keeping track all this time, the radio tuned into the broadcast just so he could hear them read out David’s name. Codenames, nicknames, were the norm in their home so it was kind of thrilling to hear ‘David Forrester’. It was just the change of pace, the novelty of hearing something he rarely heard right? It might have been because he found a blog dedicated to Iditarod racers and may or may not have found a thread talking about his boyfriend. The pictures were not bad, clearly taken with phones or as David raced past them. He was ‘Solid Snake’ while racing. He could see those blue eyes narrowed with concentration, the hard set of his jaw behind fleece. The way he held himself like he was invincible.

That was pride choking his throat and putting a smile on his face. Pride and love.

Love convinced him to carpool to Anchorage to pick up the trailer, and sleep in the truck when he drove to Nome. Love kept him standing in the freezing cold, surrounded by a large crowd that screamed as another racer crossed the finish line. Love was the only thing that kept him anchored in place with four huskies pulling against him to greet the other dogs and escape the crowd. They wanted to run so much but David was right to leave them behind, they wouldn’t have made it. They would have tried, just like they are trying now dragging him across the icy road and through the crowd. Dizzy acting as leader through the crowd. Closer and closer to the finish line.

The next racer slid across the line, their dogs immediately hounding close to the other teams. Barking and growling followed as the race attendees worked to keep the teams apart. His own dogs pulled, looking to join the growing mass until Hal managed to grab a pole. It was so cold through his glove but he held tight, gathering all the strength in his body to stay in one place. Just a little longer, David was almost there.

There.

There he was.

He looked like hell. Parka unzipped so the kicked up snow was sticking to his thick sweater, face bright red where the muffler had fallen down around his neck. His hair was greasy, even from here. Driving home was going to be the worst, they would have to share the small space of the cab and sleep on top of each other, again. At least it wouldn’t matter that Hal wasn’t exactly a spring flower either, not that he didn’t try with dry shampoo and wipes.

Who cares, really? He was seeing his boyfriend after being apart for a week! David was neck and neck with another racer, vying for fourth place. Hal bit his lip, he wanted to cheer, to call out but he was nervous. There were so many people, he couldn’t be heard over them unless he was very loud, and what if the pack came to him instead of crossing the line? He couldn’t, wouldn’t ruin this for David. Not that it helped when Dizzy and Zim surged forward, his grip loosening. The finish line was cleared for the next team. Everyone was cheering, screaming. Excited to see who would cross the line first.

Onos yapped, her littermates barking back. Ace screamed.

Dizzy breathed deep and howled.

David smiled. Raising a hand, waving to Hal through the crowd. Hal waved back, and was promptly, painfully yanked through the crowd. They parted for the dogs and remained parted for him while offering pitying looks as he struggled to find his footing in order to stop the dogs. They pulled and pulled, pushing past the race attendant into the clear space just past the finish line. Someone grabbed his arm, pulling him back towards the crowd. Instructions, demands. Of course he wanted to get out of the way but Zim and Carmen were pulling this time, his wrist felt like it was going to break.

Cheering rose in volume. Someone crossed the finish line. For the span of a breath Hal heard nothing except his heartbeat, and he was turning. Feeling like he was moving through molasses. Last time he had felt like that, he had jumped into the pool to pry dead hands off his sister. Back then it was fear, this time it was anticipation. Not that it mattered where David placed at the end but Hal cared. He cared so much. The attendant pulled him along, the dogs pulling against them both. They refused to move, the rest of their pack greeting them eagerly.

David took fourth place, by barely the length of a dog’s snout. By a nose.

Then Hal was cheering, jumping for joy. His boyfriend came in fourth! His dogs ran all that far and took fourth! So this is why people liked sports, and all but worshipped jocks. Not that excused most of them being jerks. Dizzy howled again, the entire pack joined her in song. Hal even found himself howling, right up until a pair of strong arms wrapped tightly around his waist and hoisted him up into the air. There was spinning. Faces and coats a mix of colors. Then it was blue eyes, and lips pressed firmly against his own. It was gross, so gross with both of them having bad breath. Then Hal was kissing back, accepting him with sour breath and all.

Parting to breathe but refusing to allow any space between them. Wrapped arms and foreheads touching, breathing in each other. How had he lived alone for so long before meeting David? Just one week, one week alone and he had been a complete wreck. Barely eating, curled up on the couch in dirty clothes. Only leaving his blanket cocoon to feed the dogs. It wasn’t even five days, now that he was thinking about it. Since he had to find a way to Anchorage, and then pack for the trip. Then driving back to pick up the dogs and then driving to Nome… Even though he was alone he had a purpose. He had to help David get home.

“Thinking too much, haven’t said ‘hello’ yet.” David nosed Hal’s cheek before rubbing their noses together. Oh he had missed this. Before the race David had been distant, not completely but there was less cuddling and kisses. Less being together.

“Hi, by the way you stink.” Hal said through a smile, laughing as his glasses were knocked slightly askew. His boyfriend was just a puppy at heart. Speaking of dogs, the pack was collecting around with their lines and leashes tangling together. Oh no, they were going to have to spend so much time untangling it all before getting the dogs into the trailer. David realized it at the same time it seemed because he was cursing, reaching to the sled with rushed commands. The race wasn’t over yet, and they needed to make room.

They shuffled along as quickly as the dogs would allow. Which wasn’t very fast but they were out of the way before the next racer crossed the finish line. 

“Got a room at the local inn, to shower and sleep. The bed isn’t big but if we snuggle up, we’ll fit.” Was that a question? An invitation? After all this time living together David wanted to ask if they were going to share a bed? Hal smiled, wide and toothy because he couldn’t help it. He loved this ridiculous dork of a man. In the middle of leaning in for another kiss Sitha decided she was done being ignored and jumped up on Hal’s back. Being unprepared for it Hal fell right into David’s arms, taking them both to the ground.

“You are a dork and you smell bad and I love you so much.” While the smell was something that made Hal scrunch up his nose and take shallow breaths, he wouldn’t change a thing about this moment. Dogs sniffing and licking at any skin they could find, and strong arms wrapped protectively around his waist. They really needed to take care of the dogs, and the sled. So many things, but Hal couldn’t bring himself to move.

“Two outta three, not bad. Come on, gotta put the dogs in the trailer.” As much as Hal didn’t want to move he scrambled to his feet, having to push Sitha off his back before he could. She whined as always when she didn’t get her way but with a whistle she fell in line with the others. Predictably the lines were tangled to hell and back, it took nearly an hour to get each dog put away in their own cage in the trailer. Hal gave them food and pets aplenty as David packed away the equipment. All said and done, together they closed the trailer up. Through the windows popped out a few noses but with a little tap they tucked back in. They would settle soon enough. At least Hal hoped they would. To be honest he was nervous about leaving the dogs in the trailer, he lingered.

A warm hand wrapped around his. David’s palm was sweaty.

“They’ll be fine. C’mon. Wanna get out of these clothes.” Hal adjusted his glasses to stall for time, just a little longer. He wanted… Honestly he was just worried about the dogs. He had been bad and kept the ones at home inside most nights. It was just so cold! David tugged, gently, and they made their way through the crowd to a small inn. A little run down on the outside but inside it was soft and warm with a large fireplace in the lobby. An iron pot hanging above the fire, a sweet, thick smell coming from it. At the counter there was a key laid out next to an envelope with ‘Forrester’ written in neat cursive.

“Is that for you?” It was surreal, watching David ruck his bag under his arm and pick up the key and envelope in one hand.

“Yeah, know the owners. Good people. They don’t like it when I smoke, so they give me nicotine patches.” Upstairs David led them down the hall to the last room, giving the key a twist in the lock to open the door. It took a little force to get it open enough for both of them to enter the room. All dark wood and cream colored fabric, a thick blanket that looked so inviting that Hal couldn’t help running his fingers over it. This was going to be so much better than sleeping in the truck! David leaned in close, pressing his nose against Hal’s neck and breathing in.

“Quit it Snake, I stink.” He did not quit, only nuzzled in closer and rubbed their cheeks together, scruff tangling and scraping against each other.

“You do, but I missed you. I smell worse anyway.”

“Yeah, you do! Weren’t you going to take a shower?” Arms wrapped around Hal’s waist and hugged him tight. Back to chest it was easy to tell that David had slimmed down from the race. Muscles lacking their padding, jumping as Hal turned around in David’s arms. Was he hungry? Dehydrated? With the light from the window and the elation passing, the dark circles around blue eyes looked like bruises. Skin threatening to split where it was splotchy red and peeling. Hal carefully pressed his fingers against those cheeks, feeling the chill even though his own fingers were nearly numb.

“Join me?” Sparkling blue eyes looked so open, so desperate.

“Yes.” Hal whispered back. Forgetting that they had not yet seen each other naked despite living on top of each other for months. It was just something that had been silently agreed upon, David got dressed in the bathroom after his shower. Hal dressed in the bedroom after David had gone outside to start his morning chores. Now they were undressing silently on either side of the bed, piling clothes on the floor. Without the padding of winter clothes Hal gagged a bit at the smell wafting off his boyfriend’s skin. Maybe they should bathe separately? Being trapped in a tiny bathroom with that smell? He might pass out. Hal shimmied his boxers down, fiddling with his threads on his fraying t-shirt to stall for time. First time naked together and they were going to be at their grimiest, and stinkiest.

Hal swallowed hard, feeling like he had been dropped in ice cold water. It was easy to forget, when they were just spending their time more like roommates than lovers, that he wasn’t… Like David. Weak, soft muscles. Layer of fat that softened everything about him further, except for his thin face and tall cheek bones. Previous lovers had never said anything positive or negative about him but that certainly didn’t help now. David had never said anything either. He didn’t, couldn’t measure up.

Cold fingers and a warm palm settled on his shoulder, turning him gently. He wanted to resist but Hal lifted his head and met David’s eyes. Just for a moment he saw David completely nude as his eyes panned up. Gorgeous. Just, painfully, gorgeous. Except for the reddened toes and harsh lines to his muscles. Well, that was gorgeous too but Hal knew that wasn’t what he was normally like. Hal bit his lower lip, chewing it a little with nervous energy.

David was looking at him, really looking at him, with that closed off look that he gets when things were awkward between them. It was uncomfortable to maintain eye contact but breaking it? There was nowhere else safe to look. Another hand touched Hal’s hip, skin on skin. Shivering followed, down his left arm and left left. Hair standing on end. David was the first to look away; looking down to Hal’s hands where they were still wringing his shirt. A little movement, hand leaving his shoulder before holding Hal’s hands gently.

“You can say ‘no’ Otacon. If you don’t-”

“I do, I just-” Their eyes met again. They were standing closer now. Noses almost touching, Hal’s knuckles pressed against David’s warm abdomen. Muscles jumping from the feather-light touch.

“Talk to me?”

“I’m not… I’m not good enough for you Snake.” His voice strained, thick at the end with emotion. It was so much more than that, a list miles long of reasons that David would be better off without him. But Hal felt selfish, saying only that because David would smile like he always did, and then allay his worries with his gentle words. David did smile, but it was different. This one was all teeth and didn’t quite meet his eyes. Suddenly Hal was stripped of his shirt, the fabric wrapped around his hands where David still held them. Oh. That was what that smile was for.

“I think you are more than good enough. Now, get in the shower, we stink.” They did make it into the shower with some effort, and a few chuckles. Clearly, the tub was too small for two grown men to stand comfortably unless they were very close together under the spray. David was efficient, getting completely soaked and working the small bar of soap into a lather on his skin before Hal even remembered to take his glasses off. Not that it mattered, the water was hot right from the shower head and did not wane even as Hal lazily combed fingers through his mop of hair. Hal always thought it looked awful when it was wet, like a half drowned cat on his head. David said nothing, just hummed softly to himself from where he stood behind Hal.

Hal lathered his hair, scrubbing hard against his scalp because it was itchy and it felt so good to scratch. Little pleasures, like warm water, and the feeling of fingers in his hair. A nose lightly pressed to his neck. This was something they had done little of since moving in together. Trusting, intimate touches. Touches where David could be himself, not a killer, or a soldier.

It was something that David had confessed to after drinking too much one night. Hal had been deep in coding for a website for pay, completely in his own head and in a daze from too much caffeine and not enough food. He felt a touch on his neck, and was startled. He screamed, flailed, cuffing David as he did. That was the start of it, right then. David retreated into his bottle and Hal into his own head. In bed Hal had wrapped his arms around David’s middle, wishing him ‘goodnight’. His hand squeezed as David whispered into the darkness.  _ ‘I scared you. Saw the man I killed in your eyes. I won’t do it again.’ _ Meaning that he would never approach Hal from behind, and slowly stopped his touches.

Until now.

Despite the hot water Hal shivered. Okay, so, maybe he hadn’t been thinking about it much lately but they were naked and wet, and David was pressing kisses to his neck. Burying his nose in wet hair. Then there were callused hands on Hal’s hips, fingers making lazy circles over the jut of his pelvic bone. Thumbs pressing in the dimples at the small of his back. Including all the times he tumbled into bed with someone, David’s touch was the single most sensual and arousing thing he had ever experienced. David was a natural at seduction. Putting his everything into those little touches and kisses for Hal.

“I’ll wash your body if you’ll wash my hair.”

“Sure Snake.” Clean and dry, Hal found himself wrapped up in strong arms, lips locked in a passionate kiss. They were still very much naked under the covers. Hal was overwhelmed by the feeling of skin on skin, and the very obvious proof of David’s desire pressed into his hip. For a moment he was sure they were going to take the plunge. He would never admit to himself that he wasn’t ready. He wasn’t, but if David wanted to, then he wasn’t going to say ‘no’. The moment passed and they were wrapped around each other when David fell asleep.

“Welcome home Snake, I missed you.” Hal’s hand resting on the patch hastily slapped on David’s thick upper arm. Even though it wasn’t their own bed, and didn’t smell like cigarettes, he was home.


	19. Chapter 19

“Otacon, can we talk?” Maybe that was a bit dramatic. But he had something important to say, to ask.

“Sure Snake. What’s up?” David invited Hal over to the couch. Adjusting once they were both sitting, taking a hold of soft fingers with his callused hands. In the time since Hal had moved in, he had finally started putting on weight and muscle. No longer running cold, no more purple finger tips. Sleeping better at night, actually sleeping at night. Not sitting at his computer with cold coffee. Picking up practical skills like knife work and hunting. He had adapted, and David thought it was time.

“I wanted to ask you something. Something important.” It had been after the Iditarod that he thought about it for the first time. Waking up to morning light. Throat rough with dry air instead of horse from yelling. Waking up and knowing he was safe. Feeling like he had finally come home from the battlefield. The nightmares were still there, but they had slowly but surely stopped waking him up in the middle of the night. No gunshots, bombs, or blood. No ringing in his ears. No stickiness on his hands.

Just Hal. Hal smiling in the morning light with tangled hair, and eyes drooping with sleep. Skin to skin. Smelling of wool and light sweat. Wrapped around each other that night and every night since.

Home. A real home.

“Sn- Snake, what’s going on?” Too much silence, too long holding Hal’s hands, saying nothing. David’s throat was tight. He swallowed heavily. This would be so much easier with a shot, or a cigarette. Something to hold and fidget. Rubbing Hal’s knuckles wasn’t enough, but it was nice. A little red spot over the knobby bone. It’s okay. Even if Hal said ‘no’ there were memories. Even photos. A newspaper clipping of their kiss at the end of the race framed in the bedroom. Memories. Photos. New clothing in the closet that he rehangs easily. Old, painful memories in storage.

Everything was better since he met Hal. Literally, everything. He didn’t smoke as often, didn’t drink as much. Ate more, regained his physique from his early twenties. Even managed to clean that brown spot off the ceiling. Finally. Finally things were better. He didn’t want to go back. Not to how things were.

Hal looked worried, the silence still stretched on. David still rubbing his thumbs across knobby knuckles, over smooth and soft fingers.

“Hal.” Given names. This was important.

“Sn- Dave. What’s going on? You never call me ‘Hal’ unless it is important. Are- Are you breaking up with me?” Gripping tighter, David wasn’t going to let Hal pull away. No, they weren’t breaking up. As if he could. No, this was the exact opposite of that.

“Opposite of that.” Hal was smart, so very smart, he would figure it out. He really was so smart. Probably the only civilian who had figured out that David was smarter than he appeared. Wasn’t just some jar-head that only knew how to follow orders. They could share their interests, Hal taught him everything he knew and David taught him in return. Not like it was with Meryl, nor like being with his foster families over the years. Not even like living out the first years of retirement with Miller.

Hal knew that Dave was some much more than Solid Snake. Eyes met, and Hal was starting to cry. Dave felt his heart lurch. Just a moment more. Hal opened his mouth and closed it a few times, before letting out watery words.

“Dave, are you asking me to marry you?”

"Yes, I am." Hal answered his question with action, not words. Tackled easily onto the couch, arms full with his boyfriend. Fiance, now. At least, that is what he thought that meant. Do people throw themselves into your arms when they don't want to be with you? Maybe? David rubbed their cheeks together, kissing Hal's neck when he nuzzled into David's t-shirt. There were tears, hot and wet against his shoulder.

"Do you not want-" Teeth collided, Hal silencing him with a kiss. Just a little tilt of the head and they were kissing properly, without squished noses. No hard bone crushing soft flesh.

"Of course I want to marry you! Did you really think that I wouldn't? I agreed to move in with you even though it is the middle of nowhere, and there is so much snow! I mean, look outside! There is a layer of snow when it should be warm enough to wear jeans! I miss jeans.” So much for a serious moment. Not that it had to be. This was nice too. Hal flushed, looking anywhere but into David’s face. Embarrassed. Overwhelmed. Tears still wet on his cheeks.

“I love you Hal, marry me?” He reached up to carefully remove tear streaked glasses. Folded up and tucked into Hal’s collar. Easy to find later. Or they will end up on the floor. He needed a new pair anyway. Something to do in town, they were going to need more fresh vegetables.

“I already said ‘yes’!” Whatever frustration Hal’s voice held was undermined by the smile on his face.

“I wanted to hear it again.” David would bet that Hal felt just as satisfied to be asked twice. Dr. Carpenter had been coaching him about Hal, helping him to work up the courage to propose. He had planned a whole mission around it, so many things to do and remember. Until the doctor intervened. It was about the emotion, the sincerity. The less that could go wrong the better. David still bought a ring. It burned a hole in his pocket.

“You’re incorrigible!”

“You love me as I am.” David did not move with the smack to his shoulder, or when Hal tried to wiggle out of his arms. A playful wiggle, not a desperate one. Not trying to escape. Something they had to talk about before, not anymore. Once he learned the difference it was second nature. Soon enough he settled, together they lounged on the couch.

“I really do.” Another kiss, and another. Soft, sweet. Slow. Loved, wholly and without exception. It was a heady feeling. Like adrenaline in his blood. Three shots of whiskey deep while camping at the height of summer. So many fucking years he spent on the battlefield. Finally home.

Fuck.

Like a switch had been flipped there was sexual desire flowing through him. Warmth no longer like a comfortable blanket but a sweltering heat on his skin.

Fuck!

They hadn’t done anything since that day months ago when they were in bed. Not for a lack of interest. The interest was there. It was the tightness in Hal’s shoulders when David laid him down. Flinching when he put lips to his collarbone. A fearful tremble when he breathed into his ear without words. In those moments, the hate and want for painful justice, stopped them. There was little of that now. With Hal on his lap, tangling fingers in David’s short hair. Little tugs to move him about so their mouths were angled just right.

David pressed hands to the juts of Hal’s hip bone, slowing everything down. Just a little shift back, to put some space between them. Just a little slower. No need to upset their good mood by pushing for more than they were ready for. There was no rush. Even though his body was telling himself otherwise. A little space, just a little cool down. Just kissing, a little making out. Gentle tugs of his hair, little sharp pains on his scalp.

Hal had explained in more detail what had happened between him and his stepmother, nothing explicit. Always buried in innuendo and allusions. On those days David drank more, smoked a whole pack. Voice wet and rattling. Hal wouldn’t push him to talk on those days, shying away from everything because he felt guilty. Guilt palpable to David. Especially when they slept next to each other at night. Not touching. Not looking at each other. By morning Hal would curl at David’s side. It hurt. I hurt more than his scars on dry days, or his knee in the rainy season.

Like this, making out like teenagers. Eager, desperate. David couldn’t help but see his fiance as that teenager, desperate not for affection but to escape the predator running their hands along his back. Whispering horrid things in his ear.

It happened more than once. Where David let himself take control, to push Hal into the cushions and peel back his clothes like a present. Hal would be happy, stuttering in delight, then he would start to shake, his voice high. Whispering  _ ‘please’ _ . Not for more, but to stop. David would stop, every time, to watch Hal’s tears roll down his cheeks. Watching as the man he loved covered his face in shame and cried, sobbed in pain. It broke his heart every time. Bullets hurt less than having to step back, to give Hal space to recover from his trauma.

He won’t risk it now, won’t taint this moment. Not when he is the happiest he has ever been.

Lust bleeds out of them both. Relaxed kisses replace passionate ones, noses rubbing more often than not. Hands resting, not gripping. Hal’s still in David’s hair, his hands on Hal’s back. Breathing in each other.

“There is a lot that goes into getting married, Snake. Are you sure you want to…?”

“We don’t have to make it a big thing. Don’t even have to make it official really…” David narrowed his eyes, furrowed his brow. A thought catching, reeling his heart into his throat like a fish on a line. Nothing was stopping him from just…

“Snake? You have this look on your face.” A wicked grin spread across his face. All teeth. Reaching his eyes. Tightening his grip he bought Hal in close, no room for air between their chests.

“You’re my  _ husband, _ Hal.” It was just them and Hal had already said ‘yes’. Nothing stopped him from using the label as much as he wanted. Could wake up every morning and roll over to whisper  _ ‘good morning husband’ _ . Little pet names at breakfast. Telling people that he was waiting for his husband when they did laundry in town, or when they left the hotel when David had therapy. An anniversary with fine food. Sushi. Hal had gushed about getting authentic Japanese food last time they were in a major city. Gift Hal a replacement coffee mug that said something like ‘world’s nerdiest husband’. All the little things that felt like too much to give a boyfriend he could now give.

“Sna~ake!” Hal’s voice squeaked in the middle, blushing from the tips of his ears to his chest. Embarrassed. Adorable.

David whispered it again and again until Hal literally twisted off his lap and onto the floor. Legs tangled, laying on his back. Hair spread out under his head, glasses askew. Blushing furiously with a smile on his face. They laughed together over the whole thing, laughed until their sides felt like they were splitting.

Eventually they found their way back onto the couch, curled up under a blanket and making plans to have a ‘wedding’ in Minecraft. All the flowers they have to collect, graph paper spread over the coffee table as Hal sketched out all the things they needed to build. When Hal would start chewing on his pen, David would lean in and whisper, sending them both back into giggling fits.

This was good.

Breathe in.

Just to take it in.

He was on Io.


End file.
